Jupiter Ascending

Posted: February 24, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,

Oh internet… what a week it was. There was sickness, health, shoulder problems, 10 hours stuck in a strange city with a dying phone just… a lot. So much. But as a direct/indirect result of said week curmudgeonlyness I ended up seeing a couple movies this weekend… alone. In a crowd. It was very poetic. Extremely popcornic. And just a little bit poppycockic. But whatever, what do you (oh unfeeling internet) care about my loneliness. All you care about is centered bold font that says…

Micah Reviews: Jupiter Ascending  

There. I hope you’re happy.

I don't want to give away my feelings on this movie, but let's just say the planet Jupiter is suing for defamation of character.

I don’t want to give away my feelings on this movie, but let’s just say the planet Jupiter is suing for defamation of character.

The Plot: Umm…


So, there’s this girl whose name is Jupiter cause her dad got shot while her mom was pregnant with what was easily the most disturbing fake pregnancy stomach ever in cinema. She grows up living an average life as a working maid, except she’s Russian and poor and owns a phone way WAY nicer then mine. Except she (unlike literally every other member or distant relative in her family) is not a white person. And she is also something called a “recurrence” which is like re-incarnation except different because of some reasons that some person said when I wasn’t listening because I was SO BORED!!!!

Anyway, somewhere the heck out in space some stuff is happening. There are these three siblings named Floppsy, Mopsy, and Overactingsy and they are trying to… yeah I have no desire to try and explain this system to you.  So Stupid, Ditsy, and Big Lips all make some vague threats to each other about something and then all go away.

After which we jump back to Jupiter (the person not the planet) and follow her as she is tracked by some aliens and then rescued by this thing.

This one goes out to the ladies.

This one goes out to the ladies.

That thing is something called a “splice” when you take a human and something else and genetically splice them together. That particular splice is what you get when you combine a human and a wolf, cause we all know man+wolf=Legolas with facial hair struggles. Anyway, she gets saved and then whisked off to the stars where a bunch of people try and bore her to death by spouting unending BUCKETS of the least sensical plot through line EVER!!!!! And in the end she saves the earth and wears some space boots and continues cleaning toilets because somehow in her tiny, pea sized brain that makes some sort of vague sense.

The Pros: 

I don’t believe I’m actually typing this but it is literally the only vaguely positive things I could think of: Channing Tatum is not bad in this movie. His scenes with Sean Bean were the least I wanted to bang my head repeatedly against molten lava in the whole movie.

And we’re done.

The Cons: 

Weirdly, I don’t think Mila Kunis (Jupiter person) is a terrible actress… like she’s not Meryl Streep or anything but she’s not the worst actress out there. That said she is HORRIBLE in this movie. Just mind numbingly uninteresting. She’s not helped by a script that gives her all the character and definition of a limp marshmellow, but it is literally physically painful how boring her character is, especially since the action in the movie is built around you caring whether or not Jupiter gets incinerated by the latest poorly thought out threat to her person and I literally could not have cared less about whether or not she survived. I didn’t actively hate her (like I did the three idiot siblings) but I just registered a complete blank on anything regarding her character. If Mila Kunis had been replaced by a rock with face painted on it I would have had roughly the same emotional investment in her character.

Your heroine everyone.

Your heroine everyone.

Speaking of hatred though let’s talk about the siblings: Dopey, Mopey, and Flirtey. Mopey (the girl character) only has about ten minutes of actual screen time but she literally is just sort of droning on about just NOTHING for all of those ten minutes. Full on Charlie Brown’s teacher, and literally NONE of what she said had any bearing AT ALL on the plot. Then there was Flirtey a character so hilarious, stereotypically evil that he might as well have been twirling his mustache throughout every scene of the movie. But these two are nothing compared to the raw, rancid pile of raw suckitude that was Dopey. Dopey was (in fact) so bad he deserves his own paragraph.

Okay so this guys name was actually (flipping to IMDB) Balum Abrasex and he was played by the incredibly talented Eddie Redmayne. Let the record show there was no sarcasm in that “incredibly talented.” This guy won an Oscar Sunday night and he legitimately deserved it 100 percent. That said I have never seen a worse portrayed villain EVER. I preferred the giant headed guy in Green Lantern. No. Seriously. Balum was set to growly whisper the ENTIRE MOVIE as if somewhere in his villainous plans someone cursed him to never be able to find a throat lozenge. Everything he said was whispered except for when he decided to shout single words for no reason. At one point he whispered for someone to go do something, gave that person roughly .2 seconds and then shouted “GO!!!!!!” As is if the person had put up some huge fight about going when there leg muscles had literally not had significant time to propel themselves in the direction of “GO!!!!!”ing. The whole thing was just this bizarre train wreck of a performance from someone who I really think is talented. This would be like a chef at a five star restaurant not just burning your meal to a lump of carbon, but taking that carbon and shoving it into your nostrils until he hit grey matter. It makes no sense.

Part of me still thinks this is Eddie Redmayne's evil twin, Reddie Edmayne. I refuse to rule it out as a possibility.

Part of me still thinks this is Eddie Redmayne’s evil twin, Reddie Edmayne. I refuse to rule it out as a possibility.

The whole plot is just a mess. Somehow managing to be completely non-sensical, incredibly confusing, and mind numbingly predictable all at once. I’m pretty sure Sean Bean’s character switches teams about four times in this movie and while I was never sure why he switched sides or even (for several scenes) which team he was fighting for at the time, none of the allegiance switching surprised me at all. The action is all very paint-by-numbers space action wherein people zip around shooting at each other looking impressive but not actually doing much concretely cool. It’s all just “pew” “pew” laser tag stuff but not any of the big over-the-top awesome action you expect from the Wachowski’s.

The list goes on: gravity boots look really stupid and the main character is constantly getting hurled from high places so Channing Tatum can catch her using his gravity boots. Most of the aliens just look stupid including robots who have guns at bicep level and then no other means of doing anything because what on earth could a security guard possibly want with hands???? I could literally keep going forever but I’m over 1000 words and my fingers are starting to openly protest having to describe this much terrible all at once.

In conclusion: 

This is a terrible movie. The action is blah, the story is blech, the writing is meh, and the acting is bland. It is a movie that is exactly the sum total of its parts and all of its parts are pure 100% terrible. It’s not even entreatingly bad like 47 Ronnin where you can just kind of sit back and enjoy the weirdness. It’s just bad.

I give it 1 stupid sibling out of 5.

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