Ah, Valentines day week. A time of panic, distress, and (for some of us (men specifically)) the very real threat of death. Girls aren’t messing around here guys. They will kill you. It used to be that men we’re, on the whole, generally nice guys who worked in factories, wore cool hats, talked about “dames” and sang in sewer pipes about “luck being a lady”… for some reason. But guys, it’s time for us to look around at ourselves and come to the somewhat less then shocking realization… that we are complete morons. As a society of men. Scroll through your Facebook feed real fast, then come back and tell me you think guys currently have the upper hand socially. We spent the last month making “deflated ball jokes” and complaining about the Seahawks coach being brain swapped with a cow named “Malkaria” who somehow was unaware that MARSHAWN LYNCH was it’s running back. We’re not doing well.
So this year the pressure is on. The fires are lit, it’s time to get up off your lazy butt, grab your computer, then get back on your lazy butt and go to Amazon.com so you can buy your wife a thoughtful, kind-hearted, and hopefully slightly expensive gift to show how much you want her not to kill you and dissolve your body in bleach in the bathtub. I mean love her.
Five Types of Presents for Surviving Valentines Day
Cause that’s what it’s all about guys. Surviving. You’re 007 and you’re just hoping to Die Another Day (rimshot.) You’re a robot from the future just hoping to be able to actually “be back” (less enthusiastic rimshot.) You’re Superman just hoping they squeeze you into another poorly conceived, rushed, forced sequel in the hopes that you will blandly stumble into success on accident (drummer tapping the drum in a confused way and then quitting the band.)
Gift Type 1: DIY project.
Oh DiY project man. Me and the rest of my nerdy, physically inept kind, gaze at you in mixed awe, wonder, and confusion. “You made her what out of wood???” We say staring at your beautifully carved table and using the same tone we would use if you informed us that you had lassoed the hubble space telescope and presented it to your children as a jungle gym. We all envy your manly style, your mustache, your deeply calloused hands of manlyness. You are the Liam Neeson of Valentines day my friend: You’ve spent your life developing a very specific set of skills and we hear at Thoughts We Might Have Had would just like to take a second heartily applaud you, and hope vainly that one day we will be as apt as you.
Until then though… hellllo Amazon.
Gift Type 2: Jewelry
Jewelry is a minefield, guys. Women appreciate jewelry cause it shows how much you care but it also (somehow) has the ability to express how well you know them. Buying your wife a necklace that she doesn’t like is the woman equivalent of her buying you a sports jersey with your name misspelled on it. You would smile, appreciate it, maybe wear it once or twice… but never in public. And eventually you would abandon even that pretext and bury it at the bottom of your sock draw along with your hidden collection of One Tree Hill merchandise. That’s what your wife/significant other will do if you get her jewelry she doesn’t actually like. She’ll smile and thank you, and wear it once or twice when it’s just the two of you, but inside her she’ll always know that you don’t know her any better then you know the mailman’s pet ficus… or what One Tree Hill is.
Gift Type 3: Stuffed Animals.
Stuffed animals work surprisingly well guys. If you’re in a less committed relationship they’re actually pretty perfect because they’re all cute and snuggly and happy when you give them to her and on the off chance you do break up it gives her a great item to vent her rage on!! So it serves the duel purpose of being a cute way to remind her of how you feel about each other while you’re dating, and then being an on fire way to remind her of how much she hates you after you break up with her!! It really is a win-win. Though not a win-win-win cause that teddy bear knows that it’s life hinges on your ability to not be a moron and… ya know… you’re you.
Gift Type 4: Flowers
Flowers are great, but they’re not really the all encompassing present you think they are. Girls look at flowers on Valentines day like they look at breakfast every other day of the year. It’s a good way to start the day, it may even (in point of fact) be the best part of waking up, but if that’s all you eat your gonna be vaguely hungry (breakfast that is, not the flowers… though you would probably still be vaguely hungry after eating them as well.) It’s not a death sentence if all you do is flowers but it depends on your overall flower ratio. Do you get her flowers a lot? Cause if you do you’re gonna have to step up your game here. If you don’t… what’s wrong with you??? Have you seen yourself?? Get your person some flowers person. They put up with you for cripes crops.
Gift 5: The Candies
Candy falls under the flowers regime of “Thank you, and…” sort of present. Going for chocolate or some other form of candy would be like someone giving you a video game… to a video game console that you do not posses. It’s a great way to say “I appreciate you!!” But it’s not a great way to say “I love you.” Chocolates are the gift equivalent of a side-hug. It’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world but it’s also not exactly gonna knock anyones Valentines day, heart themed, socks off. View 4 and 5 as openers to one of the 1-3 list.
So there you have it guys, a nice easy premise on the five big categories of stuff you should totally be buying right now. Seriously what are you doing still reading this?? Go to Amazon. Order stuff. Survive the day my friends. I’ll see you Thursday with more helpful romance advice!