Well hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. It’s been four days since the Super Bowl and my pulse has finally returned to the average rhythm of a normal, healthy, african bumble bee. Regardless of my lack of heart health though, let’s spend some time doing what I do best: ignorantly forming opinions based on tiny pieces of information, or (to put it more colloquially and in bolder font)
Judging Covers: The Super Bowl Edition
So as you were sitting surrounded by friends, watching the big game, or watching the commercials, or out living some sort of actual life not based around such things… ya weirdo. You probably caught a glimpse of some movie trailers, here are those trailers and the caffeine fueled crazy thoughts I had while I watched them and tried to cope with the super bowl stress.
(I’m ignoring some of these cause there were like… 50 of them, and I spent most of the fourth quarter in a football induced coma.)
Sure George Clooney has an awesome narration voice and looks great in a gruff rough beard… which he may have stolen from the awkwardly clean shaven Hugh Laurie. I mean, after watching House I just assumed Hugh Laurie always had a five o’clock shadow, regardless of how recently he had shaved. Anyway though, does this not look like the technology version of Harry Potter? Potnology as I fear we must now call it. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, just that it is definitely a thing. It’s hard to form an opinion on this one cause frankly I know about as much about this after watching the trailer as I did when I read the title of the movie and saw the cast list, but it’s a Disney property and has George Clooney in it so… I’m not gonna be dumb enough to bet against it.
The Hypo-meter says: 3 Hairless Hughes out of 5.
Ha ha… oh… this is gonna be terrible. If we’re really REALLY lucky we might get some good fight scenes. But my money in on some super CGI spinny camera stuff where it’s super hard to tell what’s going on until someone kills something and then that someone strikes a samurai pose and breathes heavily. Did someone hit Jeff Bridgers really hard in the head with something?? Why is he in this movie?? Why was he in RIPD?? What is happening??
The Hypo-meter says: 1 spinny camera fights out of 5.
Pitch Perfect 2
The first Pitch Perfect movies was probably the most unfortunately unappreciated thing to happen to Cinemas since they started selling tickets online which allowed me to achieve my life’s two great goals. 1) feel like I’m breaking the law without all the possible repercussions of actually breaking the law and 2) talk to as few people as possible. It (Pitch Perfect) was awesome. Anna Kendrick was awesome. Rebel Wilson was awesome. And the trailer (and hopefully the movie) will focus on said awesomeness. I have nothing but excitement about this movie and the fact that the Green Bay Packers are apparently somehow involved (while unsettling for more reasons then I could possibly list) is at least sort of intriguing.
The Hypo-meter says: 5 Packers with Packer Pony-tails out of 5.
Facepalm. Who gave Seth McFarlin the money to make this movie?? You didn’t want to use that for something else? Heck just set the money on fire and give it to a hobo at least then it will contribute something to society. Ya know what? I’m not putting a trailer clip up for this one. Here, watch this video of the MST3K people making fun of Twilight. You’ll feel better.
The Hypo-meter says: No.
Fast Furios 7… or Fast 7… or Whatever We’re Calling This Series
This franchise has just gotten weirder… not less entertaining mind you, but it’s just… strange. At this point it’s openly marketing the raw unbelievability that’s going on in literally every other frame of the movie and yet I will totally watch this. I mean it’s got Jason Statham AND Vin Diesel in it. The growly voice potential alone makes it very likely that it will melt every movie theater audio system it’s played on. The series will certainly miss Paul Walker, whose death was tragic and far too soon but I expect it to just keep on plugging away, somehow, eventually finding a way to have it’s cars race around the moon in the hopes of winning a billion dollars and finally being able to claim the title of “most ridonkulous.”
The Hypo-meter says: 3 growly lines growled growlily out of 5.
Terminator Genisys: The War on Spelling
So… people in the future designed a robot that looked like a grandpa (albeit a SUPER in shape crazy road rage Grandpa) to go into the past and kill the younger, much more believably robotic version of itself so it could save Daenerys Targaryen from an asian looking robot??? I’m very confused. I mean if you’re gonna re-boot your franchise Terminator people just go ahead a re-boot it. Though granted the last time you tried to do that we were all rewarded with a Christian Bale performance in which he could not utter a single line without shouting some part of it. Honestly, this movie doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would but I’ve been burned by the Terminator franchise before and I feel like at some point we’re gonna have to move on past Arnold. Unless the people from the future decide to send back a Terminator whose wheel chair bound and saves the world by being super good at bingo.
The Hypo-meter says: 2 Roid Rage Grandpas out of 5.
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Yeah… when does this come out again??? Cause I’m in. I’m wearing my swim trunks, and clinging to my water wings as I wade around in the warm waters of Avengers: Age of Ultron because friend I am in those waters. I am the captain of those waters!! I am legally allowed to perform marriages recognized by all 48 continental United States in those waters! That is how much I am in them!!… this is getting weird isn’t it?
The Hypo-meter broke trying to calculate the hypo-ness.
Well there you go guys, that’s mostly all I remember from the super bowl. All I have to show for it is a vague feeling of elation and some DEEP emotional scars. This is why I stick to movies.