The Wizard of Oz

Posted: January 30, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Well hey America and welcome to another fun filled week of… fun. I guess. Today we’re gonna all hop into our magical throwback Thursday time machines and we are going to do some throwing, some backing, and some… well Thursdaying, but you were probably planning on doing that anyway. Man, this whole first paragraph just kind of got away from me didn’t it? I mean I’m up to 68 words here and so far I’ve made two jokes that rely on comedic timing (virtually impossible to ensure with the written word, and made some lame wordplay on Throwback Thursday. And now we’re nearing 100 words and I haven’t done anything other then talk about that other not funny stuff I did a second ago! Ahhh!! I’m stuck in a inter-paragraph loop of unfunny… must… break… the cycle.

Phew. That was close.

Micah Retro Reviews: The Wizard of Oz 

So. I’m taking my wife to Wicked tonight and now seemed like a good time to go back and make fun of… I mean review the original.

 The Plot: So there’s this girl named Dorothy see and she looks like she’s about forty but is in fact still just a little girl we totally promise. She lives with her aunt and her uncle and then… some other guys. Are they also who uncles? Or are they just sort of… around. Anyway some stuff happens and some things occur but you won’t remember any of them because it’s all in black and white and not funny and no one sings anything. In fact as soon as you leave the parts of this movie that happen in Kansas you will forget about them entirely. Kind of like what happens to people who leave Kansas in real life. I think the whole state of Kansas is actually still in black and white.

Modern day Kansas completely unfiltered. This is what you get.

Modern day Kansas, completely unfiltered. This is what you get.

Anyway Dorothy gets whisked up by a tornado and is thrown through some magical tornado portal to a magical mystical mushroom trip of a land called Oz. Now some people will tell you that the whole adventure is really just Dorothy’s imagination when she got hit in the head and I am here to tell you that if that’s true then Dorothy is MESSED UP. Who hallucinates a magical land where they drop a house on someone and subsequently MELT a person?? I think it’s much safer for the children to make up a magical country then to make them believe that if they slam their heads really hard against a wall they’ll suddenly find themselves in a magical kingdom filled with giant lollipops.

So Dorothy lands in Oz and wouldn’t you know it she just happens to land smack on top of a Starbucks!! I mean a woman. Who was a witch, and also the ruler of what might be the single most horrifying race of people in the history of anything: the munchkins. Let’s be clear on something: I don’t care who that witch was or what she believed in someone needed to be keeping a firm grasp on the munchkins. Those things were horrifying. Dorothy shows up and destabilizes their entire economic system and I’m sure the whole country nose dived into a whirlwind of petty munchkin dictators holding violent candy themed political rallies as they tried to fill the power vacuum left by the Wicked Witch of Northwest.

Anyway, some woman floats in on a bubble and then some other woman shows up in a ball of fire and Dorothy (murderer) trusts the white person and not the green person so that Dorothy (murderer and racist) can where some shoes she got from the dead woman and go to find the Wizard of Oz in the hopes of returning (for some reason) to Kansas.

As Dorothy (murderer, racist, and shoe thief) heads off to meet the wizard she finds a scarecrow who she releases and a tin man who she oils and a lion who she… umm… isn’t eaten by. And the three of them join Dorothy because she assures them (despite never having seen, heard of, or had any interaction with him) that the Wizard of Oz can solve all of their deep seated emotional trauma. But the Wicked Witch of the West is still after Dorothy (probably because Dorothy murdered her sister and stole the only remaining memento of said sister’s life) and she shows up at one point and says some vaguely threatening things before disappearing for reasons I do not remember.

"I've got to go, I left some green eggs and ham in the oven."

“I’ve got to go, I left some green eggs and ham in the oven.”

Once Dorothy, Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail arrive in Oz they meet the Wizard who sends them out on an assassination mission because… I don’t know apparently the Geneva convention isn’t a thing in Oz… which does make sense it being in a separate dimension and what not. So now Dorothy (murderer, corpse robber, racist, and assassin for hire) heads towards the Witch’s castle but before she arrives she is kidnapped by some flying monkeys who deliver her to the witch who tells Dorothy that she will murder her using sand in an hourglass for various unknown villain reasons. But apparently the hourglass has a super short radius of effect because once Dorothy steps outside of the room the hourglass is in it all the sudden doesn’t matter AT ALL.

Dorothy is rescued by Sleepy, Dock, and Dopey and the three of them run around the castle for a few minutes before eventually being cornered by the Witch who Dorothy throws water on and melts. Because having an allergy to water so disastrously severe as to make one MELT ENTIRELY doesn’t seem like a good enough excuse not to have standing buckets of water laying around your castle. I mean if I was allergic to something to the point where touching it would melt me away into nothing I would probably keep it out of my house entirely let alone sitting around in large pales where any person (or un-trained monkey) could chuck the thing at me. This is Dorothy’s second murder in the last two days or so but I do feel like at least some of the blame here should fall on the witch for poor house decor.

Dorothy returns to Oz so the Wizard can take her home but it turns out the Wizard’s chosen means to do this is via hot air balloon which (aside from being hilariously unlikely to work as a means of transportation between worlds) he doesn’t know how to steer. So he ‘accidentally’ leaves Dorothy behind and wanders off to sail the skies of Oz (now filled with ownerless flying monkeys) in the hopes of somehow blundering onto a magical portal to Kansas. Dorothy meanwhile is visited once again by the white bubble lady who tells her that she had the secret to going home with her all along her shoes.

This gets poked fun at a lot but… SERIOUSLY???? You send her on this crazy homicidal journey through apple-throwing trees, insane witches, and who knows how many other crazy dangers of danger hood and she “the whole time” had the means of escape?? People make fun of Lord of the Rings for the whole “eagles flying them to Mordor” plot hole but this is a whole new level. This would be like if as Frodo stood on the edge of Mount Doom about to drop in the ring Gandalf told him that the whole time if he had just dipped the one ring in a cup of water the whole thing would have just dissolved. This would be like if at the end of Star Wars Obi-Wans ghost told Luke that there was a secret force technique whereby if he wished really hard and dropped a penny in a pile of sand all of the bad people would die. Is Gallinda the Good (aforementioned bubble lady) just a complete psychopath?? Or is she omniscient to the point where she knew 100 percent the entire time that Dorothy would be okay? Cause is one is not true the other is.

"Oh yeah you could totally have gone home the whole time, but I was bored and there was nothing on Netflix so... I thought I'd just let you wander across Oz for a bit."

“Oh yeah you could totally have gone home the whole time, but I was bored and there was nothing on Netflix so… I thought I’d just let you wander across Oz for a bit.”

But anyway, Dorothy goes back to Kansas and then… wasn’t there something with her dog being taken away by someone? Did we ever find out what happened with that? Cause as far as I know that weird lady went and got the Sheriff like she said she would and they stood a decent chance of taking Toto from Dorothy right? Or am I missing something? It’s Kansas so… ya know…

In Conclusion: Wizard of Oz is a classic… but it’s a SUPER weird classic. I mean between the munchkins, the monkey, and the fact that I’m legitimately not sure whether Galinda or the Wicked Witch of the West acted more cruelly towards Dorothy it’s hard to give this my standard “everyone should watch this” message where classic movies are concerned. I mean listen to Somewhere Over the Rainbow definitely but… beyond that it’s hard to say “sit your kids down and watch this” when there are so many better, less confusing movies for them to watch.

So there you go guys a throwback Thursday in which we threw-back a weird movie filled with horrifying creepiness and blatant “child” endangerment. You’re welcome.

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