All right Internet, it’s time to get serious. It’s time to cast off our end of the year Fun Blogs, and our “let’s talk about random TV shows that are awesome and wonderful and that everyone should watch” blogs and get down to the BUSINESS!!! Namely the business of reviewing movies. Movies that I watched forever ago and are no longer at all relevant, but it’s the principle of the thing. And here I am, standing on a principle, staring out into the distance sarcasm in hand, ready to crush some dreams, and murder some movies.
Micah Review’s: Into the Woods
My only prediction about 2014 that didn’t come at least somewhat true was that musical theater people would hate Into the Woods. They didn’t hate it… they also didn’t love it (cause musical theater people don’t love anything except the original vinyl copy of Beauty and the Beast sung by the original cast and the original composers standing in the original sound-studio originally built by Captain Original.) Anyway though, they don’t love it, so I will now review it, talk about it, and use my magical typy typing fingers to tell you all about it.
So umm… this is gonna take a while.
There’s a baker and his wife and they want a baby but they can’t have a baby because when the Baker was just a little Baby Baker his dad stole some stuff from the witch next door and she cursed the family to forever have super attractive wives for no discernible reason.
There’s also a SUPER ANNOYING little boy who should fall into a well filled with piranhas.
And then there’s a little girl in a red hood who… yeah I blacked out for her portions. Literally anything involving her my whole brain just shut-off and started going through re-runs of old M*A*S*H episodes. Dang. That show was awesome.
There’s also, also, Cinderella who wants to “go to the festival” I know she wants to go to the festival because she and her family members and various other passing strangers and lizards will tell you she wants to “go to the festival” FOUR MILLION TIMES!!!
So anyway a lot of stuff happens, just… so many things. I don’t… there’s a wolf. For like… a second. And then there’s a Prince (who’s awesome (in a terrible way)) and the Baker and his wife do some stuff with some things and the Witch becomes young and blue haired and then… a swamp?? Maybe.
It’s not this confusing when you’re watching it I promise. Though it is still fairly confusing. And then everyone get’s what they want and then an incredibly stealthy giant comes down and alternately makes a TON of noise and then practically magically appears next to people at convenient times. And then (spoiler alert) dies when it steps in some mud (formerly a witch… I think) and then trips. And that’s how the giant dies. By tripping. In witch mud.
On the whole, it’s a good movie. But the movie gets by (surprisingly) not on the strength of its music, but on the strength of its cast. Meryl Streep, Chris Evans (who sings the song “Agony” which is easily the best part of the movie), James Cordon, Emily Blunt, and Anna Kendrick all deliver incredibly great performances and commit to the music and the story 100 percent. It works out really well for them.
The first two-thirds of it are actually really good. There’s a quest, and some stuff and the Baker and his wife are the central focus of a charming out of the box fairy-tale.
There is a last third to the movie.
The two little kids in this movie are criminally annoying. The “up in the sky” song is terrifying. Any time little Red Riding Hood is on screen I actually put my coat over my head and beat myself to death with Thor’s hammer.
Super stealthy giant. That thing just appears places. Right out of the dark. Or the light. Or wherever it wanted to. When it got here there was an earthquake but it somehow sneaks up on several different people (including one who is so surprised she falls off a cliff.) The thing was like a time-lord.
Honestly (and there are a thousand angry musical theater people already typing angry emails to me) I didn’t find the music that great (I can think of at least six people who are unfriending me on Facebook right now.) It wasn’t all bad, agony was great, Cordon and Blunt had some great songs, but honestly I just found the whole thing REALLY repetitive. Starting with the “into the woods” medley that savaged your brain with the words “Into the woods” and carrying on to the whole “I want to go to the festival thing.” And that happened a lot. A lot of people just yelled the same phrase several thousand times in a vaguely melodic fashion. I wasn’t impressed.
And then there’s the super weird ending. Here’s the thing (spoiler alert) the ending song is this whole number about how “you are not alone.” And “no one is alone.” And “everyone has their side” and “everyone has friends.” And stuff. And THEN we murder a giant. (granted a giant who is SUPER easy to kill but still.) I was expecting people to try and understand the giant or something but nope… we killed it. We didn’t care that it wasn’t alone, and that it had friends and everyone was on it’s side. We just wanted to murder it’s stupid ugly teleporty giant face!!
I thought Into the Woods was good. It suffered from an incredibly unbalanced story, a weirdly repetitive soundtrack and some incredibly annoying children but it was rescued by some stellar performances from its great cast.
I give it 3 stealthy space traveling giants, out of 5.