So Internet… the time has come. The time to look back and the year behind us… and remember all the terrible things that happened to us. Specifically all the bad things that happened to us in the theater. And oh my friends… there were some bad things that happened in the theater this year. Now, as usual I’m gonna review the 5 worst movies I actually saw and then the 5 worst movies according to critics. The reason for this is that I (being a man of sound mind and small wallet) try to avoid spending money on movies that I know are going to be bad. As such, the bottom 5 movies I saw this year are (for the most part) much less bad then the usual bad movies. Just so that’s been said.

The Worst 5 Movies I Saw in 2014 

Number 5: I, Frankenstein  I actually didn’t hate I, Frankenstein. I mean, it wasn’t a good movie, but it wasn’t terrible. Frankenstein murdered stuff, Miranda Otto made some incredibly unfortunate decisions, and transformed into  a rock for… some reason, but it wasn’t terrible. That said the storyline was terrible, the dialogue made very little sense, and the fact that for some reason the villain died in a massive fireball that practically destroyed the world AND then leaves a massive hole in some country somewhere that leads directly to actual hell. Ya know… when you put it that way… it was a pretty bad movie.

Number 4: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit  Jack Ryan wasn’t actually that bad it was just… SUPER boring. Nothing actually happened through the entire movie it was just a lot of… stuff… that sort of happened to be happening. Plus Kiera Knightely had an American accent in it which I’m pretty sure is actually unconstitutional. I mean… why? Why would you do that? Aside from your boring plot, lack of action, vague threat, and waste of Kenneth Branagh did you HAVE to ruin Keira Knightley????

I really don't think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

I really don’t think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

Number 3: Maleficent  I was genuinely excited about Maleficent. Disney re-do of a little understood villain starring Angelina Jolie!! That made sense to me, I was in. But then that movie made very little sense. Maleficent wasn’t a good person who became a villain through a tragic course of events. Maleficent was a rogue giant faerie in a world of tiny people and giant trees, who was alternately allergic to metal and completely unaffected by it, and then (also alternatively) a complete tower of unstoppable magic power and utterly helpless. Also, she was SUPER indecisive. And weird. And wings somehow attached themselves to her back and played a significant role in killing a man who has what was easily the worst and most unnecessary Scottish accent in the history of cinema.

Number 2: 47 Ronnin  This movie was bad. Really bad. But ya know what else it was? Hilarious!! Super. Super funny. And not on purpose either, it was super funny and it didn’t realize it. Keanu Reeves was making all of his most serious faces. We were desperately sprinting all over feaudal japan ignoring gaping plot holes the size of volcanoes. It was (very seriously) the funniest movie I watched this year. So thank you 47 Ronnin, for all of the wonderfully horrible gifts that you gave us.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Number 1: Lucy  I was super confused by how many people didn’t hate this movie. I mean I was down with it for about the first hour or so, but let’s remember that at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) the main character actually becomes a thumb drive. No. Seriously. That’s what happens. And even then the movies “grand philosophical answer to life” was really not that grand… and sort of basic… and changes nothing about the way any normal person thinks about their lives. The whole movie got so distracted spiraling off into it’s own “deeper meaning” that it abandoned the whole reason people came to see it in the first place. It was just dumb. And it was, without a doubt, the worst movie I watched in 2014. And now that that’s over with let’s jump into the really bad stuff. The stuff so bad that I didn’t even want to see it, and (in a very real sense) went to a great deal of trouble not to see. Starting with:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  Yup, a movie starring Megan Fox and involving those most feared of cinema words “Michael Bay” somehow landed in a worst movies list. It’s shocking. Sooo very shocking. A lot of people have been throwing around the “The 90’s movies weren’t good either” defense to which my response is… “Well yeah… and???” Just because something wasn’t good before doesn’t excuse it not being good now. Also (and here’s a really novel idea so strap yourselves down to your desk chairs America) why not just (brace yourselves) NOT MAKE THE MOVIE!!! Why not look at a source material and go “Hey that works as a 30 minute, over the top kids-cartoon but maybe converting it into a two hour long movie that tries to be ‘taken seriously’ would work about as well as taking a dog who can bark something that vaguely sounds like ‘hello’ and expecting it to sing Figaro’s Aria.'”

4. The Legend of Hercules The definitive loser of this years battle of the Herculi, the legend of Hercules was terrible but it was terrible in a boring sort of horrendously terrible sort of way. But it wasn’t a funny sort of terrible, it was just terrible. The script was bad, the acting was bad, the action was forgettable… see? There’s just nothing funny here. It was too bland to even be funny about it. Which is just sad.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West A movie in which Seth McFarlane desperately tries to ruin the western genre. Literally, John Wayne appeared to me in a vision late at night and told me that he had arisen from the very dirt to appear to me and tell me to “Keep riding Pilgrim,” and ask if I was “Feeling lucky, punk” and if I was “talking to him” and “Why so serious.” Death has not been kind to Mr. Wayne.

2. Left Behind Okay so the last two here were difficult and Left Behind managed to avoid the top spot only because everyone knew it would be bad. I don’t think anyone looked at “Left Behind: Starring Nicolas Cage” and thought to themselves “Oh wow, that’ll be good.” I mean it was a Left Behind movie (which historically have been terrible) and Nic Cage (who has historically been in terrible movies) in the same place… it wasn’t exactly rocket science. This would be like going to a house and having them serve you a dinner comprised of gasoline and actively burning turtles, there’s no way that’s going to end well at all.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage's career.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage’s career.

1. Transformers 4: Something Something Explosions Yeah… there really wasn’t much competition here. At this point the stench of this franchise is just starting to stack on top of itself. I mean has there been a series like this before??? Something so completely universally maligned that just kept cranking out the awful through FOUR movies?? Granted the first one wasn’t that bad but still this is three movies in a row now that have been terrible!! And there’s no sign of this thing ending. Ever. Ten years from now we’ll still be watching bad, brainless Transformer movies somehow still being made by Michael Bay. Thirty years from now when we’re building colonies on the moon they’ll be some sort of Transformers 20 in which robots from the future yell angrily at each other and having super confusing fights with indistinguishable characters who will probably kill each other in various ways before those robots (whoever they be) who are killed, eventually (through various means) will come back to life and appear in subsequent Transformers movies… yay. And there you go guys! Another year, another huge batch of terrible movies!! Check back next week when I finally get back to doing that thing I’m supposed to be doing where I review actual movies!

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