How to Destroy the World (Excerpt 2)

Posted: January 6, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

Hey guys, so as we continue barreling into the new year I find myself working harder, breathing stronger, and sleeping longer!!! (though not necessarily in that order.) All that to say that do to various happenings, reasons, and things I’m gonna go ahead and use today to launch another step in my upcoming epic novel: How to Destroy the World. Check back Thursday as I take a look at this years worst 5 movies and then roll right into some brand new movie reviews. For the moment though enjoy this snippet, snappet, and snack-ett. (For part 1 click here)

Step 1:

The Attaining of An Evil Pet

As stated in the first chapter this is a collection of the contents of the book. As you will no doubt learn in the later chapters of the book, the actual publication (or indeed second draft) of this book were rendered completely impossible and mostly unnecessary (due to the Earth’s destruction.) It falls to me therefore to fill in the gaps left by our intrepid Mr. Ichabod, but here is the first verbatim entry written by Mr. Ichabod J Beverly.

February the 4th – 

The first thing any good world ending plotter needs is companionship. You are in for a long and lonely road, there will be set backs, there will be days where you’ll wonder if it’s really worth it to destroy the world. If anyone will remember how hard it was for you to end the world or if they’ll just think that if you could do it, anyone could do it and that it really couldn’t be that hard. As such you will need companionship, and the best sort of companions are ones that won’t be talking back or asking questions or trying to remind you of the value of human existence or anything weird like that. 

For the truest form of research into pet ownership I decided to consult with a professional, and so I journeyed down my street to my local “Toy-Pets-R-Us-Movers-Inc” and had the following conversation with a worker at the establishment, named (if her label could be believed) Autumn. 

Autumn: Hello, and welcome to Toy-Pets-R-Us-Movers-Inc-Co! Are you looking for anything specific today? 

Me: Yes, what would you say is your most evil pet? 

Autumn: You mean our meanest pet? 

Me: Well not per se, I mean… if I were robbing a bank say, which of these pets could you most easily see sitting with me as I wired the explosives? 

Autumn: Well umm… I’m not… I mean we have gerbils? 

Gerbils as it turns out, we’re far too adorable for world destroying purposes. Gerbils are the sorts of animals that would make you think the world was a decent place and that maybe there was hope for the place after all if we could all just learn to appreciate the little things we have and that simply would NOT do. 

Turtles seemed to encourage a sort of unhealthy appetite towards apathy. Birds, in general, seemed to have evolved a keen sense of exactly when the wrong time to make noise is at which point they emit a loud shrieking cry akin to someone desperately strangling a fire engine. Fish seemed to serve no tangible purpose at all except to force you to dedicate large portions of your life towards figuring out exactly how much is too much fish food less your fish eat themselves to death and explode like tiny, violent balloons. 

Fish: basically tiny explosions waiting to happen.

Fish: basically tiny explosions waiting to happen.

Even dogs seemed to be less then ideal. The trouble with dogs is that they are very friendly (see gerbils) and also extremely energetic. Initially, I thought dogs would be the ideal animal simply because of the offered the most tangible sense of companionship but as it turns out there IS such a thing as too much companionship. Plus they require an unfortunately “hands-on” experience where droppings are concerned and I found myself wondering if shoveling dog-drops up in a plastic bag and perfectly aligning a potentially world destroying laser could be done with the same set of hands.  

This left me with a surprisingly simple, yet elegantly perfect solution: the cat. -end of entry

Now, as with any discovery, it’s worth noting that the discovery of the cat as the ultimate evil pet was not always a smooth road. Especially during the early stages or “kitten” phase of the cats life. Below is an excerpt from Ichabods journal the day after he acquired the Cat.

“Who’s a sweet little kitty catty wampon ratty??? Are you?? Are you Mr. Binkles? Are you? Yes you are. Yes you are!!!” 

Even angry, kittens are rough on ones plans to destroy the world.

Even angry, kittens are rough on ones plans to destroy the world.

For obvious reasons that sort of attitude is somewhat less then ideal where destroying the world, and (for similarly obvious reasons) there is a significant period where Ichabod lost his “edge” so to speak. He did however, get back on track eventually and explained his choice of animal further.

The cat was the ideal choice for “evil pet” for several reasons. First off they do provide the needed companionship so one can avoid any inconvenient human attachments. Cats, however, are extremely selective about their companionship and won’t become any sort of emotional crutch because they could not possibly care less about how you feel or what you want to be doing. They are just as likely to pee on your face as they are to let you nuzzle their fur when you need emotional encouragement after yet another failed death-laser experiment. It’s this sort of off again, on again relationship that will give you just the right balance of comfort when your struggling to end the world, and will also (on occasion) remind you exactly why you wanted to end the world in the first place. 

Another positive thing about cats is that they don’t mess around, and aren’t overly distracting. Sure when a cat is a kitten it romps and plays and seems to have an unending supply of energy but once a kitten becomes a cat it has roughly the same interest in daily exercise as it has in the works of Tennyson. Sure it still may occasionally bounce around after a mouse, or a laser, or (on occasion) absolutely nothing, but these outbursts of energy are followed by months of careful recuperation and hibernation. A cats ratio of activity to rest is roughly 1 to 27189273109248710384.

This is how cats spend 25 hours of the day... somehow.

This is how cats spend 25 hours of the day… somehow.

Finally, the cat makes the ideal evil pet because they are literally impossible to train. Telling a cat to “roll over” or “play dead” is roughly as likely to work as telling a rock to sing the hallelujah chorus. Animals who can be trained might make you think it’s possible to restore order to a broken world owned by men in suites without souls. Cats will stare at you like the aforementioned soulless men in suits until you feed them, and once you have fed them, you are pretty much dead to them. Cats are users, not givers, and just when you think you’ve connected with your cat and that maybe everything is okay it decides to eat your plans for World Ending Cyber Elephants just because they can. Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats you know, and the cats never really stopped believing that they (in large part) totally deserved it.


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