How to Get A Christmas Tree

Posted: December 16, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

Well hey internet, and welcome to our continued efforts to drown our sorrows in eggnog, figgy pudding, and whatever in the world Wassail is. Today, we’re gonna work through the wonderful, majestic, and sticky process that millions of tree-fearing Americans go through every year. An ancient tradition where otherwise completely sane people drag a dead tree carcass into their house, and throw various baubles and babbles at it, until it shines like the prettiest corpse at the ball!!

But before you can start in on your decoration of the tree you have to actually acquire one, drag it to your house, and stick it in a stand. This all starts with (as you may have guessed) step 1.

"I don't know what's wrong with it Earl... it just doesn't look right."

“I don’t know what’s wrong with it Earl… it just doesn’t look right.”

Step 1: Getting a Tree.

There are two distinct schools of thought where getting a tree is concerned. If you’re a pansy rabbit man who spends your days scribbling in your journal about your emotions and listening to Sarah Mclachlan songs you can get a fake tree. Getting a fake tree is almost exactly like getting a real tree, except that it resembles getting a real tree in no actual way. Now, if you’re allergic to pine or something that’s a separate story entirely, I mean you have every right to listen to Sarah Mclachlan, you’re allergic to Christmas!! You will never know the joy of having a real tree slowly die in your living room as it sheds its pine needles all over your house. Pine needles that will go on a great migration all through your house somehow travelling from your living room, to your basement, to your bedroom, to your car, to your neighbors house, to your office. To everywhere. There will be no aspect of your life that is not suddenly filled with tiny dead pine needles and that’s the way Christmas SHOULD be!!!

The other primary school of thought, is of course the group of aspiring lumber jacks who get a real tree. A group of men so manly, so dashing, so brawny, that they regularly go and stand out in the cold for upwards of five minutes before having someone else tie a tree to their car. Their a lubmberjack, and that’s okay, they sleep all night and they work all day (Monty Python reference.)

Step 2: Getting the tree inside your house.

If you’re a fake Christmas tree person getting the Christmas tree inside your house basically just involves bringing the box in and then building the tree like a set of LEGO’s. Once you’re done with that why don’t you just go make some instant coffee, and hire someone to level up your World of Warcraft character YA JERK!!!!

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“What do you mean it doesn’t look like a real tree?”

If you’re a real Christmas tree person, getting the tree from the car to the house is where the rubber meets the road, or (more literally) where the tree meets the road because you DROPPED IT!!! Once you drop it (cause ya will) just go ahead and drag that bad boy into the house, it’s already dead anyway and by the time that you stab it into the stand and fill the stand with water you will have more pine needles on you then the actual tree does anyway.

Step 3: Getting the tree decorated.

Now we get to  main part, the part that involves whole family and invariably leads to large parts of the family resigning from the entire process and storming off angrily to their rooms as they quote lines from “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.” Meanwhile, you will spend roughly two years of your life untangling the Christmas lights which have somehow become bonded one to another at a molecular level. You will also begin hanging extremely delicate and beautifully made baubles and bangles on various branches of the tree in the hopes that they will, through an incredible miracle of the Christmas season, actually stay the heck on the tree!!!

But in the end you’ll get that tree put together, and it will stand forever like a shining beacon of Christmas spirit in your house!! Until a two weeks later when you take it out into the backyard and light it on fire for New Years!!

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An actual image of Micah deciding what to write about today.

And there you have it citizens, so go out there, get a tree, kill that tree, and hang it in your house for fun!!

Comments
  1. lbkirsop says:

    But . . . the real trees aren’t dead, Micah. That’s why you generally water them after you put it up. But all in all, I’m a fake tree person–no water needed.

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