Retro Review: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Posted: December 11, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Well hello Internet, what’s the shizzle? So, as we continue barreling towards Christmas on an out of control train driven by a crazed fat-man with a beard, I thought it would be a good time to take a moment, park the train, jump off the tracks, and take a good long look at a super creepy, horrifying movie filled with horrifying characters!!

Micah Retro-Reviews: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

The Plot:

So Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, had a VERY shiny nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say “That’s probably not that big a deal you sad self-serving bigots.” Seriously, so what? He has a shiny nose. You have big ugly horns on your head. It’s not like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a rare-genetic order and could only survive by eating the flesh of other Reindeer. So he has a red nose, get over it.

Oh no!! How will we ever overcome this horrible deformity... I guess."

Oh no!! How will we ever overcome this horrible deformity… I guess.”

Anyway, very shortly into the film we meet the films villain a guy by the name of Donner. Yeah, Rudolph’s father. He’s the unforgivingest person in the world and forces his son to run away with an outcast elf by the name of “Hermey” who wants (for some reason) to be a dentist. This is after Rudolph meets a girl and she kisses him but then Santa sees Rudolph’s nose and sends him away because OBVIOUSLY Santa is a very intolerant sort of person.

So anyway, Rudolph and Hermey head off towards… somewhere, and on the way they meet a guy named Yukon Cornelius. Who is insane. Bang your head against a rock until that rock begins producing actual living Starbursts, insane. Butt they team up with him because (and follow along with me here) even a raving lunatic, insane person comes to the perfectly logical realization that having a glowing nose, and making a very poor career choice are not exile worthy offenses.

Our merry band is next confronted with the “Abominable Snowman” who is both not a snowman and really not that abominable. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s a problem. But you don’t call a bear “abominable” because it eats fish. That’s what bears are supposed to do. Sure, the Abominable Snowman eats some reindeer. That’s what he eats. Frankly, that’s pretty much all there is to eat at the North Pole. I mean the place isn’t exactly alive with wild game and BoJangles. You know what’s abominable?? Donner.

Also: he’s not a snowman. I don’t know what he is granted, but it is not a snowman.

Yeah... worst snowman ever...

Yeah… worst snowman ever…

Eventually, we all arrive at a place called “The Island of Misfit Toys” an island filled with unfortunate toys ruled over by what is arguably the coolest thing ever: A Pegasus Lion. I mean how is a pegasus lion a misfit?? A Pegalion?? That’s the best thing ever. It just goes to show you that even on the island of misfit toys the cool kids are in charge of the nerdy kids who spit jelly for some reason.

"Oh no!! How will you overcome your horrible deformity that makes you awesome and gives you the power of flight..."

“Oh no!! How will you overcome your horrible deformity that makes you awesome and gives you the power of flight…”

Then umm… for some reason, maybe… taxes?? Rudolph heads back to the North pole where he defeats the “Abominable” “Snowman” and then rather then humanely killing him he performs dental procedures on him without permission dooming him to a life of slavery and servitude to the elves who (we know from previous scenes in the movie) definitely would never exploit someone poor and defenseless for their own selfish ends.

Anyway, in the end Rudolph saves Christmas by using his nose to get Santa through a snowstorm, but then what?? Cause if we’ve learned anything from the X-men movie franchise it’s that just because people will use you in a very specific situation when they need your genetic mutation it doesn’t mean that they’re going to continue to use you after that need has passed??? Does Rudolph spend the rest of his days praying for another snowstorm as he sits next to “Hermey” at a local bar once “Hermey” realizes that the only character in his life who had any teeth was the “Abominable” “Snowman” whose teeth he removed entirely, without the permission of his client??? We never know. But it’s a distinct possibility.

In Conclusion:

Oh fine: Rudolph the Reindeer is a classic movie and everyone should watch it. It’s adorable and your kids will spend the rest of their lives glueing bicycle lights to their noses and singing “like a lightbulb” at the top of their lungs.  This is a comedy sight though and I spent the whole last blog on here talking about adorable children and things so I decided to go on a sarcasm rampage against whatever innocent movie I happened to run into, and that was it!! So thanks for reading America, and we’ll see you next week!

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