5 Things You See at Children’s Programs

Posted: December 9, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hey Internet! And welcome to what is bound to be a slightly offensive article to 40 percent of the people reading it. But hey, as legendary author Benjamin Franklin once said “If you’re not mildly offending 40 percent of the people reading your blog, is a penny earned.”

Started to lose it towards the end poor Ben.

So anyway, recently I had the chance to attend a great concert/play put on by some wonderful people working with some very talented kids. It was a fun, easy night filled with Christmas songs, and general adorableness. As some of you may have noticed though, this is a comedy blog where I ignorantly spew sarcasm at anything not actively being ushered into sainthood and so I thought I would ignore all of the wonderful things that a bunch of talented kids did and instead generalize a bunch of things little kids do just for the heck of it! So let’s get started by reading this artfully centered piece of bold text that I shall entitle…

5 Things You See at Every Children’s Program

Now, let the record show that I’m not talking about middle schoolers, or even most elementary students. I’m talking about REALLY little kids here. Kids who straddle that delicate line of “being too young to go on stage” and also “being almost criminally adorable on stage” because those are the funny ones, and also the ones who are probably too young to read this blog and sue me later in life!

1. The kid who misses the signal to walk on stage.

The causes for this vary. Maybe he was tying his shoe, or untying someone else’s shoe, or (in rarer cases) eating his shoe, sniffing his shoe, or setting his shoe on fire. Shoes are very distracting for young children. But whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, that child lags behind when the other kids move.

Sorry… had an out of Dr. Seuss- experience there.

Sometimes the kid picks up on the fact that he or she has missed the cue and comes trotting up on stage a few seconds after everyone else. But usually the teacher has to go back and physically drag the child onto the stage with the other children. Or at the very least loudly whisper his name four or five times until young Johnny stops scratching his initials onto the church pew and stumbles onto the stage.

Wait... are we short a daisy?

Wait… are we short a daisy?

2. The kid who waves at his parents…  through most of the program.

Most kids are going to wave to their parents when they get on stage. It’s just what happens. But this kid is committed to the idea. He will wave at his parents frantically until they wave back or until someone physically handcuffs him to the christmas tree next to him. And not just a regular shy wave either. No, no no. This kid waves with both hands as though he is trying to   guide a plane in for a landing during the middle of a Sharknado. In some cases the child will step out of line just to make sure his parents see him and can appropriately acknowledge the fact that he/she is waving at them. Assuming the actual program finishes the first thing that child will ask (regardless of what else happens in the program) will be “Did you see me wave?” If that child was in an all kid version of the Lion King using actual African animals, the child would step over the bodies of his classmates, march to his parents, and immediately say “Did you see me wave?”

3. The kid who spends the entire program running about 30 seconds late. 

We’ve all see this, and it’s really impossible to identify at what point this child fell out of sync but it is very clear that they are not in it. When the rest of her little classmates spin this child will start spinning right about the time that everyone else finishes. If the children leap into the air she will begin her ascent right as everyone else is landing, and she will ka-thunk back onto the stage right as the other children begin talking. And there’s no fixing this either, regardless of how long the program goes or if the child is required to stand for a long period of time before performing another action this child will always be just a tiny bit behind the other kids as though she were the living embodiment of YouTube lagging. The only hope for this child is that she will eventually get so far behind the other kids that they will effectively lap her and enable her to be so out of sync that she is in-sync.

"Wait we were supposed to what?"

“Wait we were supposed to what?”

4. The kid who spends the entire performance fiddling with his costume. 

There’s no stopping this kid. No matter how many times his teacher frantically waves at him to stop pulling at his costumes ears, or playing with the tail of his do outfit, or fiddling awkwardly with the buttons on his vest this child will immediately resume playing with the offending item the moment anything begins vaguely distracting him. The best plan here is just to hope no one notices, because it wouldn’t matter if you walked onto stage and super-glued the offending childs hands to the top of his head that kid would find a way to pull his fake beard out one solitary whisker at a time. I once watched a Christmas play where a wise man spent the entire production pulling on the tassels of his robe. Even as he was handing his gift of fake Franciscan frankincense to the baby Jesus his other hand was tasseling away. They can’t be stopped.

And finally…

5. That one type A kid who keeps trying to fix everything else.

This is my favorite one, because this child (for whatever reason) has appointed herself (it’s usually a her) Sheriff and Knight-Commander Queen of everything that happens on that stage. Her sworn enemies are the children listed above and she will stop at nothing to stop them. She will try and help “the lag child” by physically grabbing him and trying to get him to spin at the same time as everyone else. If someone is late coming onto stage this is the child who stops in the center of the stage, turns around, and yells that other childs name as loudly as she possibly can. This is the one child who doesn’t wave at her parents and if someone next to this girl does wave at their parents she will stop them. Physically. Without mercy. If she was aware they existed this child would walk onto stage with a taser and tase the childhood-snot out of anyone who so much as thought about fiddling with their costumes. She is become justice. She’s the hero the 1st grade production of The Loneliest Kitten deserves, but not the one it needs right now. She will dig her heels into the very carpet of that stage, stare unblinkingly into the face of chaos and quietly whisper “No.”  And she will do all of this… once she has finished her juice box.

So there you go guys!! 5 things you will see at every childrens show, and all of that said: go watch a children’s show. Cause if watching a bunch of K5 kids run disjointedly around a stage during a production of Frosty the Snowman doesn’t put you in the Christmas mood, I don’t know what will!

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