Well hey America and welcome to my liveblog of Peter Pan Live!! Or as it really should have been called “Christopher Walken Live: Literally Anything Could Happen.” It’s worth noting that when I was a tiny baby child I watched the old version of this play on VHS about four thousand times. So the nostalgia factor here will either be working strongly in favor of NBC or strongly against them. Let’s see what happens.

Peter Pan cause it HAS to be better then Sound of Music.

Peter Pan cause it HAS to be better then Sound of Music.

First off it creeps me out that George calls the kids Mom, “mother” it’s just weird. It’s strange. And confusing. I hate it. It’s unnecessarily confusing for the children. Think of the children.

Secondly, I can’t understand anything Michael says. Is he speaking English?? I think he just told his mom to get his dog back from his father by “dry factory” what??

Also, how many drugs did they give that dog?? Cause that thing is well behaved.

Michael just asked his mother If anything could harm them “shafter the shiffle faff.” What????

Oh now we’re singing the “Tender Shepherd song” my childhood just punched me in the face.

These kids sleep with more nightlights then are used for most major sporting events. Sheesh. No wonder Peter Pan comes to this house, the amount of light it gives off can literally be seen from space.

Nice Tinkerbell effect. When I watched this as a kid Tinkerbell was basically a Mag flashlight.

And hey it’s Peter Pan!! And he/she is weirdly attractive.

In what universe does soap stick things to other things?? Like… soap is slippery. I feel like Peter Pan should should know that.

Peter just said his name was “Peter Pan” and Wendy replied “is that all.” How many names exactly does she want she/him to have?

Wow… that maid is dead. They just opened a door and there was a maid “sleeping” in it. Yeah somebody done murdered that maid and stuffed her in the closet. I blame George, him and his mustache seemed fairly homicidal.

This whole “are you crying” thing isn’t working for me. He/she totally was not crying. Like at all.

Wendy looks about forty.

Allison Williams can sing, no doubt about that.

John and Michael are somehow still asleep. They’re mom must drug them out of their minds before she puts them to bed.

Peter Pan heard his parents talking about plans for his future and ran away. Those plans probably included hosting NBC nightly news and being, ya know, a man.

Apparently there is no winter in Neverland. It’s basically, the anti-Narnia.

No offense to Allison Williams but she will probably never be asked to play a 10 year old boy again. Sorry kid, thems the breaks.

Tinkerbell continues to be highly underrated on the “Complete psycho” rankings. Super possessive, death threats, hating people for no logical reason. That’s fairly high on the chart there, lady friend.

“We have no female companionship” Allison Williams says looking more like a woman then Wendy currently does.

Not to spoil the “I’m flying” song that’s about to happen but there’s a mysterious wire suddenly attached to Peter Pan.

Allison Williams actually does pretty well with the flying thing. Singing while being dragged around on harness should be an Olympic sport… though now that I think about it that would be sort of a terrible sport.

Singing in a harness is a lot like trying to chew gum and walk... in space.

Singing while in a harness is a lot like trying to chew gum while walking… in space.

So Faerie dust… that’s cocaine right?

If you thought Michael was hard to understand before, try decoding what he’s saying while being pulled around on a harness. It’s like trying to decode the speech of a drowning bear, in space.  I think he just said that flying was “oar gum.”

Very nice set for Wonderland… or Neverland. One of those lands.

These are some of the nicest looking pirates ever. The chief danger with them seems like that they would alphabetize your DVD collection without asking you.

And Christopher Walken everyone!! Doing Christopher Walken things, which is to say looking like a mix between extremely bored, hilariously drunk, and completely psychotic. I’m very excited about this.

Ah, Christopher Walken fake playing the piano. This is why I’m watching this.

Man, Christopher is actually dancing way more than I thought he would. He’s not even a little bit mailing it in.

Oh wait… I think he’s starting to get tired. There it is. That’s the level of effort I was hoping for Mr. Walken, about 80%. That was perfect.

The lost boys everyone. The ugly stepchildren of college jocks and some ballerinas hopped up on sugar. It’s the marriage you didn’t know you hated.

Christopher Walken has a very tenuous grasp on that hook. I’m putting the odds of him dropping that at about…. Six to one. Whatever that means.

Christopher Walken just said “Odds bodkins.” I’m so happy.

Christopher Walken doing the Tango song as he comes up with a plan. This may be the best thing I’ve ever seen. Especially since we are now at about 40 percent mail-in on the dancing. And about 60 percent on the singing. This just keeps getting better.

Wow… the Croc looks like the runt child of Puff the Magic Dragon. That’s unfortunate.

This croc may have some sort of calcium deficiency or something.

This croc may have some sort of calcium deficiency or something.

Everytime the lost boys come on screen I want to kill myself a little bit.

And hey it’s Tinkerbell once again trying to murder an innocent!! Good thing she doesn’t go on to get her own video series and be the hero to hundreds of thousands of young children everywhere… oh wait.

And when Peter says “It’s not a bird, it’s a lady.” He means it. Wendy is a lady who I’m pretty sure is close to retirement.

Oh the flashbacks I’m having anytime Peter breaks into song. I seriously still remember most of these lyrics. Also, I’m getting weirdly hungry… Is that a normal flashback thing??

And now the Lost Boys are dancing around like sugar crazed sprites and “cleaning”… I’m not hungry anymore.

Why do the Lost Boys want pockets so badly?? What do they have to put in pockets?? I mean Peters got some sort of satchel thing, which seems to be a step up right???

Christopher Walken may have just forgotten his line. And covered by doing Christopher Walken things. He can look confused with the best of them old Christopher.

Wait Christopher Walken rapping to the Tarantella!!! Yeah. That was best thing ever. And now he’s playing a cymbal. And dancing.

And we have attained 50 percent mail in on the dancing. How has no one thought of putting Christopher Walken in a musical before????

Ah the I Won’t Grow Up Song. This song may be responsible for me quitting my job tomorrow.

Allison Wililams “I will never grow a mustache.” Hopefully not Allison. Did they consciously choose to just give up on making her look like a boy? I mean surely no one looked at her at any point and thought “Yup, that’s a boy.” Cause I just think it’s weird that I’m attracted to Peter Pan…

Also, Wendy is coming off as kind of a terrible person. In addition to being old enough to actually be the mother of most of these children she’s making the movie 40 percent more boring anytime she’s on screen.

So the decision is between listening to Wenday (aged mother) or Tiger Lily (Indian without pants on) Peter chooses Wendy??? Yup. He’s a woman.

Wendy “I only see beauty.” Yup.

Wendy pronounces “pretend” in her song like this “preteaeaaeaaaand.”

Peter Pan and the Technicolor mermaids from space!!!

Why is Peter Pan seductively rowing a boat?? I swear someone working on this script had a crush on her.

Pirates suck at tying people up. If Tiger Lily stopped pulling on the rope I think it would fall off.

Smee – “What brings you to the rock Captain?”

Hook – “Yo ho.”

Micah – Tee-hee.

Did Hook just hit Peter Pan in the butt??? He did.

Wendy exit on Kite stage left.

Should we be airing Viagra commercials during this?????? All of my childhood happy emotions just threw up all over my brain and disappeared back under my layers of sarcasm and repressed memories.

I love that Michael hasn’t spoken since the nursery scene.

Ah yes, the Peter Pan Indian Song, because racism!!

Though I appreciate the Native Americans being an obviously multi-cultural group. Cause that makes it better somehow I think.

When you say “I will come Willy Nilly” is that a short time period?? How long is a willy nilly in minutes?? I feel like that needs to be clearly determined before this alliance can be settled.

Wendy: being everything terrible about mothers since 1776.

Wait we keep Peters medicine in a conch shell?? Who made that decision.

When did Wendy learn to speak to tinker bell?? Did we miss a scene where Wendy ordered Rosetta Stone: Faerie Addition.

“Once Upon a Time and Long Ago” is being sung. I LOVE this song but… it’s being sung by Wendy. Isn’t that Peters song?? Doesn’t it make more sense if Peter sings it?? Since the whole idea is he doesn’t remember who sang the song? If Wendy doesn’t remember who sang her this song she has apparently forgotten things that happened two days ago!! Did we really steal a song from Allison Williams??? Poor form, NBC. Poor form.

I forgot the lost boys abandoned Peter Pan in favor of going with Wendy. Worst. Decision. Ever. This is like Dorothy choosing to leave Oz in favor of Kansas. No one would do that. Magical kingdom vs. Kansas??? Magical kingdom where you don’t age vs. returning to London with one of the worst mother figures ever where she’s “Sure father will adopt you.” Not a thing.

Relying on drums for communication, because using our eyes is WAY over rated.

Wendy saying “Part of me will always be here.” Is one of the worst threats ever in the world. “It’s okay Wendy, you take all of you with you.”

Michael on the pirates being gone. “Good riddance shoe blubbish.”

Yay Christopher Walken is back. He was gone for way too long.

And he just said “Feisty vixen.” This just keeps getting better.

Oh and here comes the believe in faeries bit. “Children all over the world here’s a PSA announcement on faeries from Hot Peter Pan.”

We now return to Captain Hook and his wonderfully lazy evil laugh. He’s too evil to even spend time actually laughing in an evil fashion.

Captain Hook don't care.

Captain Hook don’t care.

And now he’s barking. If you told me that wasn’t in the script and Christopher Walken just felt like barking for a second I would totally believe you.

Did he just say “By carbonite soda, no?” I’m pretty sure.

We have now achieved 100% Christopher Walken mailing it in during a dance. And then saying “Just little old me.” This whole event was just validated.

I think Michael just said a whole sentence that I understood.

Christopher Walken: “I’ve place the plank on the poop.”

Peter Pan the Avenger??? I don’t think you’re in those movies man.

Okay Smee just totally slashed one of the lost boys with his knife with no actual effect. He apparently didn’t know the Lost Boys had cheat codes on.

Christopher Walken “Flishl clawdled impudent youth.” Was he drinking during that scene wwith Wendy and Smee??? Would you honestly be surprised if he was?

Hook bump.

And hey it’s the Glitter Gator!!! Here to eat Captain Hook.

Allison Williams everyone! The chick can sing.

Nothing of note has happened in the last five minutes. We’re back in London now. No, Peter Pan. No, Christopher Walken. What is the point of it all?

“Grown Up” Wendy looks about two years younger than “Young” Wendy.

Hey Peter Pan is back!! Something interesting is happening. Wendy named her daughter Jane. Because boring names are hereditary apparently.

“Boy why are you crying?” He still isn’t. Maybe Allison Williams is a really ugly crier or something.

The “Peter takes Wendys daughter” ending of this thing has always been one of the most hilariously depressing things in the world. Still though, well done for Peter. Way to hold out for the less annoying version.

Final thoughts:

Honestly?? It was great. It wasn’t perfect, Michaels mouth was filled with cotton the whole time, the Pirates and Lost Boys were hilariously annoying. But the production was fun, Christopher Walken was the drunk, pirate, grandfather we always wanted and Allison Williams (while distressingly attractive) did great as Pan. It was all childhood whimsy and wonderfulness and that is awesome.

Plus this whole idea is still just great. Live theatre should be appreciated and available so people can stand around making fun of NBC for not doing something perfectly or we can just appreciate the fact that NBC is trying something new and different and they’re getting better at! And sure I made fun of some things but this is a comedy website and if I spent two hours of my time watching something and NOT making fun of it, what would the point of that be? But on the whole I am still a huge fan of what NBC is doing, and hopefully they keep it up! So thanks NBC, see you next year!!

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