How to Destroy the World (Excerpt)

Posted: December 4, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hey Internet!! So today I’m not doing a full on post just because I’m thinking of doing a live-blog of tonights wonderfully awesome/ wonderfully terrible production of Peter Pan Live (8PM on NBC.) But just to not leave you all alone and lonely on this gloomy, loomy, boring Thursday, here’s an excerpt from my current side project!!

How to Destroy the World

Chapter 1: A Note to the Reader

Dear Reader: I am not really an author. However, after the Earth was destroyed I felt rather strongly that someone should explain exactly how it was done, and it was not long after that decision that I found the manuscript you are about to read (hidden in a small ficus.) I feel a little odd publishing it for (as you no doubt are aware) the Earth was destroyed, and so the main purpose for reading the book is something that has already been done. As if I was publishing a book on: How to Start World War 1, or How to Invent Footie Pajamas; I do feel though that the valuable lessons and insights provided in this manuscript could be tailored and altered to apply to the individual destruction of whatever planet (or planets) the reader desired and therefore hope that by reading it you may still glean some educational benefit from it.

The earth: It was fun while it lasted.

The earth: It was fun while it lasted.

Also, in the event that through some scientific time lapse, or worm hole, or bizarre soup-cooking type accident this book travels back to Earth before its destruction I feel I must remind the readers to please not take any steps to prevent the Earth’s destruction as that would be a violation of no less then 7 copyright laws and would also dramatically impact the sales of the book that you are currently reading.

I feel it would be beneficial to know a little about the history of the author and thus provide the below autobiography which I compiled using an old Earth website called “WikiPedia” that is (as far as I could tell) nearly forty percent accurate roughly ten percent of the time.

Ichabod J. Beverly was born to Mr. Edward Elms Beverly and Mrs. Patricia Pat Patterson Beverly in a state called Vermont that was a part of a country known as the United States of America. They chose to name him Ichabod because (like so many human parents) they thought life was simply not challenging enough and thought they would make it that much harder by giving him a name that (in most human languages) translates to “please make fun of me, and then steal my lunch.”

At first Ichabod tried writing in the non-fiction category but learned quickly that books such as “Why Joseph Stalin Wasn’t as Bad as You Thought” or “The Full Story: Dictators and Their Facial Hair” weren’t well received as a whole. This was an important crossroads experience for Ichabod and as such he thought it in his best interest to abandon school, ingest large amounts of hallucinogens and wait for “inspiration to come knocking.”

Shockingly (there were a LOT of hallucinogens) it did.

Ichabod received his calling in a flash of inspiration, a moment of pure clarity in a sea of certainty as he stood staring at his fridge wondering to himself (and this is an exact quote) “How To I open this fridge??” (LOTS of hallucinogens)

But regardless of his poor sentence structure and lack of hygiene, Ichabod had stumbled upon his destiny. The “How To:” book. His first how to book “How To I Open this Fridge?” Was not received well, in no small part because it was written on the back of a napkin, but after some chemical therapy and a great deal of coffee, Ichabod began working on his first best seller: “How To Use a Stapler.” And a star was born.

Over the next ten years Ichabod J. Beverly became a household name. “Well what does Ichabod say?” became a common question, and “Well I straight up Ich’d that my Homey Honey Lamb-lamb” became something that cool kids with backwards hats and baggy pants said regularly. Ichabod’s books “How To Put on a High School Play” “How to Put on Pants” and “How to Take off Pants and Get Your High School Play Cancelled for Legal Reasons” were just some of the incredible collection of Ichabod Beverly how to books. Ichabod was on top of the world!!

But as so often happens in life Ichabod rising star of fame was crashed into at high speeds by a falling comet of mediocrity and that comet came in the form of Ichabod’s last bestselling How To book. “How To Write a How to Book.” Suddenly the market was flooded by How to books as Ichabod became the unwitting victim of his own success, like a snowball that has recently learned how to operate a space heater.

Dark times befell our hero, partly because he could no longer pay his electric bill, but mostly because he was depressed. Because just as he thought he had seized the soft and supple fruits of success they soured and filthed in his juicy red lips. Ichabod was lost, hopeless, depressed, short, plain, and tall and for a while he wandered through the Earth seeking answers to lifes most difficult questions such as: why am I here? What does it all mean? And what exactly do the lyrics to the popular song “Say Something” really mean anyway? I mean, who’s saying something?

But finally after many years or days or hours of wandering a new idea struck Ichabod. Struck him like the fist of a dirty hobo, which happened several moments earlier and it was as he lay staring up at the expanse of heaven, having his pockets rummaged through by expectant hobos and the cats of expectant hobos, that Ichabod J. Beverly conceived the idea for the ultimate How To book. A how to book so staggering in size and scope that it could never ever possibly be replicated. An idea that would go down in history as the very ultimate in how to bookness. And that idea was called:

How to Destroy the World

  1. […] Hey guys, so as we continue barreling into the new year I find myself working harder, breathing stronger, and sleeping longer!!! (though not necessarily in that order.) All that to say that do to various happenings, reasons, and things I’m gonna go ahead and use today to launch another step in my upcoming epic novel: How to Destroy the World. Check back Thursday as I take a look at this years Top 5 movies and then roll right into some brand new movie reviews. For the moment though enjoy this snippet, snappet, and snack-ett. (For part 1 click here) […]

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