Retro Review: The King and I

Posted: November 6, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , ,

Hello, internet and today I want to talk about you, I want to talk about me. I want to talk about what it’s all gonna be… Yeah that’s not what we’re gonna talk about. But we are going to talk about “I” specifically: The King and I.

Micah Retro Reviews: The King and I

Digitally Remastered things. It's like putting a shiny new coat of paint... on a tiny bit less shiny coat of paint.

Digitally Remastered things. It’s like putting a shiny new coat of paint… on a tiny bit less shiny coat of paint.

The King and I actually has a lot of different interpretations. There’s “Anna and the King” a long convoluted version that involves a lot more stabbing and poisoning then you might think. Then there’s “The King and I” the animated Disney version which is one of the four or five most annoying things ever conceived by man. But today we’re talking old school: the classic one with Yule Brenner and crazy amounts of underlying and overlying racism. Because that’s the one I remember what happens in it the most… which as it turns out is not much.

The King and I antimated edition. Like taking a nice shiny new coat of paint, lighting it on fire, smashing your head against it, and then hitting it with a comet.

The King and I antimated edition. Like taking a nice shiny new coat of paint, lighting it on fire, smashing your head against it, and then hitting it with a comet.

The Plot:

So… the King of Siam wanted a teacher and chose to hire a woman despite being a complete sexist jerkwad. So we are introduced to our intrepid heroin… umm… I’m not I remember… oh right it’s Anna. Anna… Memanduffer. We may never actually learn her last name. So Mrs. Memanduffer gets set up in the kingdom of Siam after remember a few of her favorite things… wait I mean after whistling to prove to herself that she isn’t afraid… of herself. Anyway, she goes to meet the King of Siam and his band of criminally adorable children. She also meets someone named Tuptim. Which is probably the worst name ever. Tuptim. Fun to say though.

Tuptim.

Tuptim... because somebody had to do it.

Tuptim… because somebody had to do it.

Anyway, Anna sings the Kings kids a song about getting to know you and… Is it just me or is this movie basically the Sound of Music?? I mean let’s look at this: Anna sings about not being afraid, meets a very important person with lots of kids, sings an introductory song to them set to a montage, slowly begins falling in love with her employer AND there’s a sub-plot of two people from different classes falling in love… GASP. It is Sound of Music. It’s Sound of Music Racist edition. TUPTIM!!!

So, I kind of gave away the rest of the plot in the above paragraphs there but it’s worth mentioning that (spoiler alert) the King of Siam is a complete jerkwad right up until he starts slowly hemorrhaging his insides at which point he practically becomes Santa. Giving away trinkets to his children and professing his undying love for Anna right before he plants his foot firmly into a water receptacle device. Or (in layman’s terms) kicks the tuptim. I mean bucket. Tuptim.

Of which let’s just say professing love to someone on your death bed is much easier than doing it in the bloom of youth. I mean you’re dying, you can promise whatever you want and not have to worry about paying off on it cause your gonna die. It’s a smart move if you want to be remembered well. “Yes I’ve always loved you! And everyone, in fact I want to spend the rest of my life working for charity, just flying around the world giving out free hugs to everyone! Donate all my money to baby kittens and just live as a hobo of love. A love hobo. A lovbo. Tup… tim…” and out you go. Great last word by the way.

"And I promise to hug all the puppies and love all the children and then I will donate all my money to the..."

“And I promise to hug all the puppies and love all the children and then I will donate all my money to the…”

So there you have it guys! A semi sort of but not really a review at all review of the King and I, which as it turns out is pretty much the Asian version of the Sound of Music!! Except in the King and I, Captain Von Trapp dies tragically… which may have actually made Sound of Music much better.

And hey we’ve still got space to answer our first piece of fan-mail!!! You can send questions or ask for movie reviews by emailing us at thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and here is a note from someone who did!!

Tim – “Hey Micah, You talked in your last blog about being a Lord of the Rings fan. What’s your favorite Lord of the Rings movie?”

Well Tim-Timmy-Tim, that’s a good question. Good job. I give you five stars, 10 out of 10, and this half eaten candy bar of approval. That said, I’m probably gonna have to go with… Two Towers… I guess. I love the Battle of Helms deep set, and it’s closest competition (Return of the King) suffers from twenty minutes of “happy heroes returning home” at the end… which I liked but isn’t the same action packed wonderfulness that Two Towers had. Also, the first time I watched Return of the King in theaters I drank an entire lakesworth of pepsi and REALLY had to go the bathroom during all the “happy heroes returning” stuff so… I may have some emotional scarring from that. I’m a big fan of all the movies but if I had to sit down and just pick one it would be that one. And if I had to pick one to light on fire it would be the second hobbit movie… though I realize that’s not what you asked… I’m just angry. Tuptim.

So thanks Tim!! Thanks Internet, and I will catch up with you next week!!

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