Well hey internet, today I am happy… mostly, to present you with a cautionary tale. Words of wisdom from one who has walked this earth for lo these many years. Many and many years… too many some would say… though not many. But probably some…. I’m confused now.
5 Things Not to Give Away on Halloween
I’m not a terribly social person. By which I mean I am rabidly anti-social and hate pretty much every person ever. So strangers knocking on my door and demanding things of me is a one hundred percent terrible nightmare situation, that said here are some things that even I (the great master of hatred and sarcasm) would not thrust upon a child.
5. Fun Sized Things
This is number 5 because it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world. That said, there is nothing fun about fun sized. Fun sized is less, and unless you’re talking about Twilight books less is never ever more. Ever. Especially when candy is concerned, where candy is concerned more is more. Everytime. More is more.
Gum is not candy. Let me retype that: gum is NOT candy. Gum is a mint that lasts too long and hurts your teeth. If you want fresh breath: have a mint. If your want candy: eat candy. If you want something that will lose its flavor in ten minutes, give you a jaw ache, hurt your digestive tract, and be a pain in the butt to dispose of. Have gum. No one wants that, don’t give kids gum, just punch them in the face. Same basic message.
3. Granola Bars
Granola bars aren’t bad. I like granola bars, I eat them a lot. But they aren’t candy, they are what you eat when you think to yourself “Man, I’ve been super unhealthy lately… I should have a granola bar.” The point of Halloween is to cheat on the sort of thinking that leads to granola bars. It’s a holiday, like thanksgiving but with dorkier costumes and less unnecessary football. Giving someone a granola bar on Halloween is like serving a huge salad for Thanksgiving dinner. And then lighting the table on fire.
2. Fruit based products
And now the cardinal sins. Fruit things. Apples, oranges, fruit bars. Giving one of these out on Halloween is like showing up to someones house on Christmas day and lighting it on fire. Like having someone drop down your chimney on Christmas day wearing a Santa suit and discovering that it is an angry grizzly bear with a special recipe involving your colon. Like celebrating Easter by exchanging festively painted hand grenades.
And now the worst of the worst, the single most terrible horrible thing that has ever happened to anyone’s Halloween gift collecting pumpkin.
1. Carmel Apples
I understand how this happened. I understand what you thought: you thought to yourself “I like caramel, and I like apples, I like dipping caramel into apples. It’s delicious. So why not bake it around it into a delicious but still slightly healthy snack.” But you thought wrong friend. You thought so wrong. Caramel and apples are delicious. But caramel apples are horrible dentist summoning nightmares. And they aren’t even as good as just getting some caramel slicing up an apple and dipping thing one into thing two. An entire apple wrapped in caramel is MUCH harder to eat, far less easily transported, and even if you manage against all odds to eat the caramel apple exterior you get left with a bunch of apple interior that has no caramel. It is the greatest injustice. The greatest crime Halloween candy giving can fathom.
Avoid it America, avoid it Internet, this year take a stand, give candy!!
(or do what I do and pretend you’re not home and eat all the candy yourself… either of those will work.)