The Terrible Two’s

Posted: October 28, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hi Interfriends, and welcome to what is doomed to be an oddly deep look at a weird topic. Occasionally though as we sit here on Sarcasm Mountain looking deep into the Valley of Awkward Similes it falls upon us to descend our slopes and actually talk about movies. In this case (as you may have garnered from the massive bold print above us: Cutting Books to Pieces.

This is a new-ish trend that was started (at least in the poppiest of pop culture settings) by Harry Potter. Now let’s get something straight right away: I love Harry Potter. I love the Harry Potter books, I love the movies, I love the deep soothing growl of Alan Rickman telling me I’m worthless and need to do better in potions. But of all the wonderful things Harry Potter left us the “Let’s cut the last book in two parts” thing, was in-arguably the worst.

Right along that same time (a few months later) the other big Young Adult franchise did a similar thing by throwing out Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1. And all of our fates were sealed like so many oreos in a tiny blue sealed box.

In defense of Harry Potter book 7 is roughly a million pages long and contains a quest for SEVEN seperate macguffins AND a kidnapping AND the death of several very important characters (some of which were sadly glazed over in with two movies.) You can at least see why people in a board room somewhere (we will call them Bill and Dill) would say to themselves “Hey, Bill, maybe we should split this book into two” and then Dill said “Nah, that would ruin any sense of climax and the first movie would be long and pointless and lack any sort of narrative structure” but then Bill said “We would make an entire whales-worth of many though.” And then some greasy movie executive leprechaun showed up and hit poor dill in the head with a golden gopher before ordering Bill to make two movies.

Who knew that was a mascot?? Certainly not me. Sports fail.

Who knew that was a mascot?? Certainly not me. Sports fail.

In defense of Twilight we HAD to have twenty minutes of wedding, twenty minutes of a fight that (spoiler alert) DOESN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN, and make up for the hours worth of film time when Bella and Edward are pausing mid-sentence to stutter, blink, or breathe heavily!! Plus if they didn’t make two movies they might not be able to justify spending a TON of money making a creepy, horrifying, demon possessed, nightmare inducing, baby monster from the deepest pits of tartarus!!! And who doesn’t want that.

You will never be able to unsee this.

You will never be able to unsee this.

And after those two movies that was it. We were done. Evil greasy studio executive leprechauns had come to the startling realization that they could make TWO movies out of ONE book and thus make twice as much money. This would be like telling a particularly over-zealous grizzly bear that you have an all you can eat fish buffet sitting an equidistance from the stream where he usually goes to catch trout. All the sudden the idea of NOT splitting a book into two parts seemed hilariously idiotic.

Thus, we sit here in “anticipation” of the Hunger Games Book 3 part 1 and (perhaps saddest of all) The Hobbit Book: THE ONLY BOOK Part 3.

Now, Hunger Games I (in all honesty) know very little about and (in a preview of things to come) will be talking a lot more about in a few weeks. So let us instead focus on The Hobbit.

Now: let the record show that I am probably a bigger Lord of the Rings fan then you or your Mom could ever dream of. I take nerd-dom, take three steps further forward, and then jump off a huge cliff into even more nerd-dom. I love the original Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I love the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings which is like loving Ice Cream and then taking it a step further by buying a cow and starting your own ice cream factory.

When they announced they were making a Hobbit movie I was excited, when they announced they were splitting the movie in two, I was at least okay with it. I mean the Hobbit isn’t exactly action packed but I can see where you could make two movies out of it. But three??? As we have very clearly seen over the last two movies, three is too much, and I find it really hard to believe that there weren’t at least a couple people on the development team who thought to themselves: There isn’t really enough to go around here storywise.

See how small this book is?? If one person could easily hold a book in one hand, maybe don't make three movies out of it.

See how small this book is?? If one person could easily hold a book in one hand, maybe don’t make three movies out of it.

The Hobbit part 1 featured a twenty minute meeting of the Middle Earth AARP and I actually preferred that over the Hobbit Part 2’s hour long barrel sequence, pointless poisoning section, and twenty minute game of “chase the dwarf” which you KNEW wasn’t going to end in the death of anyone because (let us remember) THERE’S A THIRD MOVIE. Main characters can’t die in the second part of a three part cutting of a book. I’m at least moderately excited for the third movie because at least Jackson has left Smaug, Sauron, and some huge battles for the third movie but he did that at the cost of his first two movies.  And two bad movies don’t make a good movie… mostly.

I will say at the moment the only other franchise pulling a split-book scenario is the Divergent series, who knows, maybe after that we’ll all come back to our senses. Maybe we’ll keep going the “book to TV show” route which I actually am more of a fan of. But we’ll just have to see! So thanks for joining me for this nine-hundred and fifty word rant against some stuff. Check back in on Thursday and we’ll see you then!

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