Box Office Top Ten 10-21-2014

Posted: October 21, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
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Well hey Internet and welcome to what I like to call the good happytimes awesome blog!!!… Yeah we’re never calling it that again. But anyway here we are with another thrilling episode of: Box Office Top Ten.

10. The Maze Runner

A movie about some dudes in a maze for reasons that are never entirely clear.  It’s a decent (if not extraordinary) sci-fi thriller that involves some running and some mazing and a bunch of little kids mostly pretending they’re in the Hunger Games. So if you ever wished the Hunger Games starred more men, and less children-cide then I guess this is for you. All three of you.

"It's okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us."

“It’s okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us.”

9. The Equalizer

Denzel Washington shows up and shoots some people, a largely blah affair but decently interesting if you’re in the mood for a Liam Neeson movie but can’t find your Liam Neeson accoutrements. There’s some bang, and some boom, and some murder and Denzel Washington probably yells at somebody to take a lap or something.

8. Annabelle

A movie about a creepy murder doll Annabelle manages to basically spend an hour and a half of your life, not showing you anything you haven’t seen before. This is my real problem with the horror genre, there are only so many ways to show something horrible happening to someone. This guy murders that thing, this doll is possessed by a demon and wants to kill people, this thing of play-dough has been possessed by the actual Plato and is forcing children to lean philosophy. It’s all been done before.

7. The Judge

The Judge is a sad story, of a super talented actor who turns in a great performance in a mediocre movie about a judge. What? Oh no that’s not the plot of the movie, that’s just the story of Robert Downey Jr. Great performance by him, mediocre performance for the movie. Robert is a thoroughbred horse running in a race against a daddy long legs… Thoroughbred horses are a thing right? They make those?

6. Dracula Untold

Hi! I made a video review of this on the awesome new Thoughts We Might Have Had video blog!! Click here!! Watch it! Love it! Like it! Subscribe to it! Dance for it!!… I’m gonna stop this now.

 5. The Best of Me

Cause nothin' says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Cause nothin’ says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Hey look it’s another horribly cliché movie based on a Nicolas Sparks book!! If the horror movie genre is at this point a tired piece of gum that you’ve been chewing on for a while but at least at one time or another was at least okay, then the Nicolas Sparks book/movie genre is an insane acupuncturist who has tied you down to her table and is assaulting you with more needles then you could possibly find in all the haystacks of the world. Sure, at first it was nice in sort of a relieving sort of way but at this point you’ve just had the absolute snot stabbed out of you and all you want is for some higher power to come down and make Nicholas Sparks STOP!!!

4. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

I’m annoyed that this movie has gotten good reviews. I refuse to watch it and I can’t describe to you what a horrible time I have with a six page book being turned into an hour and a half movie and then that movie somehow being not terrible. I’m bothered. It goes against every snooty film instinct I can possibly imagine. That said it has a lower review score then another kids movie you should be watching this week so that’s something anyway.

 3. The Book of Life

The Book of Life has gotten awesome reviews and while it lacks originality from a story standpoint it makes up for it with an astonishing visual pallet. Think Avatar for kids… but ya know… more clothes. Also I wrote “Astonishing visual pallet” so I officially have my snooty film pants back on.

2. Gone Girl

It’s a good movie… in a terrible way. It’s rated R… for very clear reasons… but beyond that it’s a movie with a good plot and some really good acting performances. It’s a win, just ya know… make sure you’re ready for this sort of win. This is the kidnapping equivalent of The Grey… it’ll mess you up.

1. Fury

Brad Pitt drives a tank and murders people. A lot. It’s a hardcore war movie in the oldest tradition of hardcore war movies. It’s awesome in its own super realistic war movie sort of way.  I mean come on, it’s Brad Pitt, with a tank. It’s Shia LaBeouf with maybe some tiny part of his egg-brittle sanity still intact. And who doesn’t want to see the kid from transformers working with a tank and scant tiny little pieces of his scattered sanity?

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It's furious.

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It’s furious.

And there you have it guys, the movie ten. Thanks for reading, be sure to check out the video blog! We’ll be back here saeme as always, come Thursday afternoon.

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