To Carve a Pumpkin

Posted: October 7, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Internet!! Happy Tuesday and welcome to this very special “Micah hasn’t slept in like… a week” edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. An episode that promises so much complete and utter randomness that it will probably starfish cactus melon.

Recently I carved my first ever pumpkin!! And so based off of that experience I (like so many other grossly inexperienced people in the internet) will now spend the rest of a blog post telling you a bunch of things that I have probably made up. Starting with:

A Treatise on How To Carve a Pumpkin
(as told by someone who has done it once)

The first thing you want to do is (of course) by a pumpkin.  There are many ways to choose a pumpkin but I prefer to take my time. I really get to know a pumpkin before I start callously hacking away at it. I like to take it to dinner, let it tell me about its life and hopes and dreams, figure out if we work for eachother, if we have the tender emotional bond required for a man and his pumpkin to find true happiness together. Or, (alternatively) just grab the pumpkin that looks the least likely to have been piddled on by a forest creature and get the heck out of dodge. Really whatever works for you.

A pumpkin is like a living canvas... except dead. Cause you killed it.

A pumpkin is like a living canvas… except dead. Cause you killed it.

Now that you and your pumpkin have become one… sort of… you need to decide what you want to carve on its freshly murdered face-corpse. I’ll talk more about some specific suggestions later but the important thing to remember here is that whatever you choose to put on your pumpkin is going to be leering out at you for the better part of a month. You wanna pick something you have strong positive emotions towards because after watching whatever you carve  on your pumpkin slowly rot and decay for several weeks you will probably have a VERY different view of that thing.

Now that you’ve selected your pumpkin/best friend and know what your going to carve into your pumpkin/best friends dead body, it’s time to get on with the murder. I mean carving. The first thing you want to do is grab the nearest and sharpest thing you can find (we bought an actual pumpkin carving tool set but one is not required) and stab your pumpkin either on the top of its head or on the butt of its butt. This is up to you depending on what works best for your artistic vision or (alternatively) what seems like the most fun. You’re gonna want to cut around the top/bottom of your pumpkin in a circle and then pull that circle out of your pumpkin to reveal its pumpkin guts.

After you’ve beheaded/bebutted your pumpkin and can see its guts your gonna need to get those guts out. Don’t think of it like ripping the fleshy insides from a vanquished foe, think of it like your pumpkin has been entered into a SUPER extreme version of The Biggest Loser.

Once you’ve got all the guts out you can actually start the corpse-drawing. There are many different ways to put your design on a pumpkin, you can use a stencil, or a print out, or (if you’re an artsy person) you can just draw on your pumpkin which, for me, is right up there with advanced trigonometry on my list of “things I will never accomplish.”

So now that you’ve got your design on your pumpkin, whether you did a normal human thing and used a cutout or did some magical-hoodoo-sacrificed-my-firstborn-to-Petunia-the-fluffy-godess-of-art drawing thing. Go ahead and pull out your sharp object of choice and stab your pumpkin in the shape of that pattern, once your done with that just pop out the sections that pop, stick a candle inside of the corpse, and you’re set!!

So now that we’ve covered HOW to carve let’s talk about WHAT to carve.  I chose something super simple (cause I have no talent) but  it’s worth noting that my wife made some awesome 3D thing of a cat but my wife’s talents are many and varied and a virtual all you can eat salad bar of freshness but let us move on from that and instead focus on these random shapes I created when I attacked my poor, innocent pumpkin with a knife.

It's Doctor Who!!!... Sort of.

It’s Doctor Who!!!… Sort of.

I mean there wasn’t even a face on that bad boy, just some vague shapes that formed the Doctors top and bottom face-halves. But let’s say that I was both talented and far more brave then I actually am. What would I carve in a pumpkin? What would I draw on that great blank pumpkin canvas? Who would I be? And how often would I actually wear pants? And so without further ado let us take a look at a list I like to call.

Ten Things You Should Hack Into A Pumpkin Carcass

Well… that got dark quickly. It’s worth mentioning that this list is in no particular order of favoritism just whatever random things come to mind as I go (because planning is for people with a thought process and success!!)

1. Anything Comic Book related

Just because I want to challenge myself I’m lumping all of these things together. If you want to go simple carve the Batman symbol or the Avengers logo. If you want to go more complex you could carve Ironman, or the Hulk, or Christian Bale slowly ruining his vocal chords. If you want to go even further outside the box you could carve a Joker face or Groot and if you want to get beat up and lose all of your friends you could carve the Fantastic Four logo!!! Comic books are awesome starting points for your pumpkin, but also a little obvious and you don’t want to be obvious do you Julie Julerson? I thought not.

2. Anything Doctor Who related.

Once again awesome, but fairly obvious. Carve a Tardis or (do what I did) and just make some random shapes in a pumpkin and say they’re the Doctor, people will agree with you because most of them won’t know what you’re talking about. I could have stabbed my pumpkin with a knife completely random and told people it was a Doctor Who thing and 80% of people would just nod their heads and give me that classic “Wait, how did you trick your wife into marrying you?” look that I get ninety percent of the time. What was I talking about?? Oh yeah— pumpkins.

That'll do Pumpkin. That'll do.

That’ll do Pumpkin. That’ll do.

3. The Death Star

Because it’s already king of shaped like the Death Star anyway!! It’s practically begging you so sit down for a few HOURS and hack minute details into it! How have you not done this talented art person that I know? Come on, get your pumpkin head in the game.

You my friend, you have succeeded.

You my friend, you have succeeded.

4. Mike Wazowski

Feel like I’m pointing out the obvious here guys. Round shaped, one eye, weird smile. You’re done. Pack up that pumpkin and head on home. Then carve another pumpkin into a slightly less entertaining and entirely unnecessary prequel version to cash in on the success of your first pumpkin!

5. Van Gogh’s Starry Night

Yeah, you go for that Internet. I’ll be over here vicariously having a headache for you.

This is super impressive my friend but... you may have to much time on your hands...

This is super impressive my friend but… you may have to much time on your hands…

6. Anything Homestar Runner related.

We miss you Homestar.

7-10. Liam Neeson

Because it would be the best pumpkin ever. Liam Neeson pumpkin would mess you up. He’s spent a pumkin-time developing a very specific set of pumpkin skills and he will pumpkin kill you.

And there you have it, I feel like Liam Neeson pumpkin obliterates any of the other pumpkin ideas I might have had. So thanks for reading America, happy October, and we’ll see you Thursday!

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