Well hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. The day before Friday and the first in a long spiral of weekends that will inevitably land us with Halloween and (blessings to us all) some decent movies. But before we get to those let’s get to a little I like to put in bold font and center called:
Weekly Headlines 10/2/14
In our lead story Adam Sandler just signed a contract with Netflix to make 4 movies exclusively for the online movie giant. I think this is great because it skips the parts where the horrible movies Adam Sandler has been making lately go into theaters and skips straight to the part where Netflix recommends them to me and I ignore them.
Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released this month (for Xbox One and PS4 anyway) to some fairly awesome reviews. Shadow of Mordor has gotten some really good reviews as it’s a game that gives you the chance to do some other stuff and then MURDER A BUNCH OF ORCS. And then probably still do some other stuff. I may be sketchy on the non-essential details.
A full trailer for “Exodus: Gods and Kings” came out this week and it looks pretty solid! For those of you who don’t know Exodus tells the story of Moses in a real historical, biblical setting, as told by two super white guys pretending to be Egyptian/Israelite. Unlike this years earlier Cinematic Biblical Blockbuster “Noah and the Rock Monsters of Angeldom” there’s at least a small chance that someone involved with this movie read the Bible story it’s based on. I’m at least moderately excited for this mess because “Egyptian Batman” totally works for me.
Speaking of trailers the first trailer for Taken 3 is out and folks… I’m in. I thought Taken 2 looked unnecessary and contrived and just a weird idea in general but it was at least a good action movie that followed Liam Neeson around and watched him punch people. My problem with Taken 2 really was that it just looked too much like the original Taken. This movie though seems to be taking (ha ha) the series in a new direction while still featuring its strongest asset: the concrete blocks of mystical wonder that are the fists of Liam Neeson. Plus Famke Jensson gets murdered! And who doesn’t want to watch that? (in a movie… don’t make it weird internet.)
This weekend’s box office features three new movies! The wife kidnapped thriller suspense thingy: Gone Girl. The horror movie that looks exactly like every other horror movie ever: Annabelle. And (of course) the really bad looking movie starring Nicolas Cage: Left Behind. All that to say if you’re looking for a movie to watch this weekend, watch Gone Girl. The other two come with FDA warnings involving the contents of the movie doing permanent damage to your brain cells. And they will children. They will.
For those of you who are about to hate on me for judging Left Behind before I’ve seen it, I just want you to know that I saw the last Left Behind and so far most people who have seen it agree that this Left Behind is somehow WORSE than that one. And let’s not underestimate the hard work the last Left Behind movie put in to make sure that couldn’t happen. But never underestimate the ability of Nic Cage and a bunch of genuinely earnest but unfortunately misled people who thought that this was a good idea.
Oh I should probably mention that the number one movie at the Box Office this week was “The Equalizer.” The Equalizer is nothing you haven’t seen before, Denzel Washington is a deadly man out for revenge against some people not as deadly as he is. That said the Liam Neeson Principle applies here and there’s enough face punching and Denzelhood to make up for a fairly “meh” plot and a lack of supporting talent.
In other Netflix news, Netflix recently greenlighted their first major motion picture Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2: Electric Boogaloo. Yeah Netflix, you go! You get that sequel to a movie with a plot so loosely put together you could literally say that pretty much ANY martial arts movie that came out since then was its sequel. Don’t get me wrong: I think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is awesome and responsible for a great sub-genre of martial arts awesomeness but why couldn’t you just make a movie about literally ANY bunch of people doing Martial Arts? Did you really NEED to attach your tiny Netflix flag to a major motion picture just to make yourselves feel like a real boy?
And finally in a VERY timely piece of news, last night Pixar (Disney’s little film company that could) released a trailer for their next full Computer animated movie: Inside Out. And that trailer told us NOTHING about the movie. It has something to do with the emotions inside of our heads (Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear) all being represented by different characters and theirs a little girl who all of this is happening inside of? Maybe. And that’s it. “But Micah” you’re no doubt saying, “how could a trailer that lasts one minute and 41 seconds tell you nothing about the actual movie?” The answer to that question is because the first minute or so of the trailer is a bunch of flashbacks to other Pixar movies. For some reason. So yes, Pixar is not only advertising their new movie (which we now know for sure is about something) but it’s also (simultaneously) advertising for ALL of its old movie. Well played Disney. Well played.