First off and before we do anything else let’s all glory in the wonder that is this picture.
Thank you Liam Neeson. You’ve just… you’ve given us so much. And Taken so much. In Taken… and then Taken 2. And probably in Taken 3. But anyway, let’s move on to the fact that it’s STILL SEPTEMBER. And there are STILL no good movies. It’s like I’m a world class pastry chef and all the sudden no one is bringing me dough. Bad dough, good dough, I don’t care, I’ll take anything at this point!! And now I’m hungry.
The Box Office Top Ten 9/25/14
Let’s look at the box office… this is gonna be depressing guys. This’ll hurt. But I’m gonna be brave. I’m gonna be strong. I’m gonna be sponsored by Nike.
But not the last one. (Unless you’re reading this Nike in which case I am IN!! I will tattoo the letters of your company on my fingers. You will make millions. Somehow.)
10. If I Stay
A movie starring Chloe Moretz as a high girl who is dying…. Or might be dying… or could be dying, possible sort of kind of maybe. Kind of like most high school girls really. Not the death thing, just the indecisive section. “I think I would like totally die. But… maybe not… maybe I’ll live, I mean I haven’t seen the last season of Pretty Little Liars so… I just don’t know… I don’t know what I want. Ooh a Double Frappemocha Latte’licious!!!” Wow… that got sexist fast… Sorry Emma Watson.
9. The Drop
I don’t know exactly what this movie was about and my mouse is SOOO far away and I would have to click on it and… let’s face it… it’s called the Drop. And I have no idea what’s happening with it and I frankly do not care. Even a little bit.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Cause this movie is apparently still a thing. Why it is still a thing is a mystery that will span the generations. Future scientist will look back on our times and marvel at our tall buildlings, our interstate highways, how for some reason twerking was a thing we all cared about, and the fact that somehow after 7 weeks in theaters people were still watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
7. Let’s Be Cops
This is essentially just a movie about Nick Miller and Coach from New Girl, except all of the least funny and most crass parts of New Girl multiplied by all the least funny and crass moments of every other TV show ever. Please don’t watch this.
6. Guardians of the Galaxy
Still here. Still awesome. If you somehow haven’t seen this yet you should watch it. Twice. At least.
5. Dolphin Tale 2
Dolphin Tale 2 is the sequel to Dolphin Tale 1 a movie that had Morgan Freeman in it and prominently featured (get ready) a Dolphin. For some reason we felt that the first movie just wasn’t Dolphiny enough though so we’ve come back with Dolphin Tale 2: Revenge of the Dolphin. Cause you messed with the Doll, now get ready for the fin!!!
4. No Good Deed
A movie that has racked up a whopping 11 % approval rating according to Rotten Tomatoes, No Good Deed is the story of a woman who lets a man into her house and a man who terrorizes that woman and her family and her dog and her dogs family. It has Idris Elba in it but other than that is an entirely unremarkable experience and you should avoid seeing it like Heimdall avoids seeing anything that is actually useful in the Thor movies. Boom!! Nerd joke.
3. This is Where I leave You
This is where I leave you has a great cast (led by Jason Bateman and Tina Fey) but doesn’t live up to its potential thanks to a mostly bland story that has a few scant moments of brilliance and lots of moments of bleh. It’s essentially the movie version of a bag of trail mix. One or two M&M’s but mostly just a bunch of lame healthy stuff your mom makes you eat. Boom!!! Health joke.
2. A Walk Among the Tombstones
It’s Liam Neeson everyone. Why are you not watching this?? What’s that? Cause it’s rated R and you’re a twelve year old who somehow made it this far into the blog? Oh… well that’s a good reason. Seriously though it’s a good movie… and rated R. For the traditional “Liam Neeson murders everyone” reasons. Boom!!! Not actually a joke.
1. The Maze Runner
Another in the dreaded “Young Adult” movies based off of a “Young Adult” books aimed primarily at “teenagers” Maze Runner is the story of a boy who wakes up inside of a Maze and then does some running… Probably. He has some sort of amnesia thing going on and the only way to save his future is to remember his past!! Dun dun DUN!!!!!
So there you go guys… a movie rundown… of a lot of movies that you probably shouldn’t watch. September’s almost over guys. Hang in there. We’ll make it.