Hello friend Internet, Fienternet as I will hopefully never call you again. Well… it’s still September… and September (in almost every meaning of the word) sucks. A lot. To death. No movies, rainy weather, not quite far enough into fall to have beautiful leaves or good coffee. It’s a terrible thing. Nobody is happy in September. So since I have no movies to review, have talked about video games, and even resorted to tearing apart Gone with the Wind out of sheer blog boredom. So now I will impart to you further wisdom, not just to make fun of old movies, or to talk about video games, but rather to help you, to guide you, to show you a better way to live. The redox way.
What’s in Redbox
The following is a list of stuff and things and stuff that are in Redbox. Some are good, some are bad, but pretty much all of them are better than spending ten dollars in a theater to watch something horrible.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier:
Right up there with Iron Man 1 as one of the best stand-alone Marvel hero movies out there. The plot is great, there’s a genuine sense of humor to it, and some of the best fight scenes around, a genuine pleasure to watch. Just don’t stare directly at Robert Redford’s old man ears. Those things will eat your brain.
Think Like a Man Too:
A bunch of people get together and make a bad sequel to a funny movie. On the plus side it’s got… Nope there’s not a plus side. Sorry, I tried.
Kevin Costner and some people who don’t understand how the NFL draft works, make a movie about the NFL draft. Overall it’s a “meh” sort of movie but it is hilarious if you know how the actual NFL draft works.
Barbie and the Secret Door:
Here’s the plot summary of this movie: A shy princess, Alexa, discovers a secret door in her kingdom and enters a whimsical land filled with magical creatures and surprises. Inside, Alexa meets Romy and Nori, a mermaid and a fairy, who explain that a spoiled ruler named Malucia is trying to take all the magic in the land. To her surprise, Alexa has magical powers in this world, and her new friends are certain that only she can restore their magic. Ha ha ha… oh man. That’s hilarious.
Divergent is a movie that’s a lot like the Hunger Games, except everyone is kind of a jerk and instead of being divided into 13 districts going from super rich to hilariously poor, things are divided into 5 houses going from smiley happy give you everything, all the way to murder-death everyone IN THE FACE!
An above average horror movie starring Amy Pond… I mean Karen Gillan.
A Disney movie starring a girl with hair that is practically its own country, brave is the story of Merida a girl whose mother is (for various and sundry reasons) a bear. And really what could be better than a Bear mom and a Scottish girl running around a magical fairy version of Scotland looking for something… that I do not remember.
A movie so loosely based on Biblical events that it may or may not have ever actually read the Bible. Or even like…the Wikipedia version of the Bible.
Transformers (the Trilogy):
That’s right folks, the entire Transformers trilogy. For just 3 dollars you can entirely melt away your brain, soul, and (some studies have shown) portions of your kidneys. We do NOT under any circumstance recommend you watching these movies back to back. It will physically kill you. Your brain will smash out of your skull in a desperate attempt to escape the works of Michael Bay.
I have no idea what this movie is about… but it looks hilarious, and I’m just assuming here that there is a basketball player and that he has a girlfriend.
Cause if there was anything our society needed it was a movie about high school vampires who love each other and go to school.
The Legend of Hercules:
Did you watch the Rock’s version of Hercules and think “Huh, well this is sort of a mediocre movie, but you know what I really want to see? A much much worse version of this!!” Well, you very weird person, this is the movie for you. Enjoy it!! Or don’t. Whichever of those you were hoping for.
Yup. Keanu Reeves horrifying brick-face. On the plus side for Keanu I recommend this movie over Transformers!! Any of the Transformers.
The Art of the Steal:
This movie is on this list for one reason: Crunch Calhoun. Yup, the main character in this movie is Crunch Calhoun. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.