Hi Internet, so it is STILL September. And there are still no good movies. Literally movies aren’t winning the box office for the week anymore there’s just the “movie that lost the least.” I mean, Guardians of the Galaxy was the top movie last week and that came out more than a month ago. It’s not even trying to be the “movie that lost the least” anymore, Guardians of the Galaxy has already made roughly the gross domestic income of Europe and people are still throwing money at it cause it’s better than watching anything else in theaters. So what is a movie blogger supposed to do exactly? When faced with long odds, slow movies, and a movie theater as empty and barren as the creative mind of Adam Sandler?
If you answered spend quality time with friends and family and establish meaningful human relationships you obviously do not know me very well. If you answered murder things, then pull up a chair, grab a drink and NEVER talk to me… ya weirdo. I played Destiny this weekend and Destiny is (undeniably) wonderful. A sweet buttery pastry dish of wonderfulness and murder. I’m not a fan of first person shooters (generally speaking) but when a first person shooter has an interesting story, awesome gameplay, a cool looking aesthetic, and some of the most awesome wonderful landscapes ever… I’m in. I’m in there like hair care… I do not myself understand that joke. Sorry. But anyway, I’m not gonna review Destiny today cause I only rented it and only played it for a couple hours so I don’t really have a huge base of experience to work off of there. What I do have though is a whole ton of ignorance and sarcasm waiting to be unleashed on an innocent movie that probably doesn’t deserve it.
Micah Retro-Review’s: Gone with the Wind
So Gone with the Wind is a classic movie… for some reason. It’s about a million years long, makes no sense, and features what is conceivably the least sympathetic protagonist in the history of Cinema and yet for some reason people keep talking about it. So here I am, with little research, no qualifications, and very little idea of what actually happens in the movie, to talk about it.
Okay so Gone with the Wind opens on the majestical plantation of Terror… or Tara… or something. Terror is a great place if (that is) you’re a rich white person. Currently there’s a big party of rich snotty white people going on at Terror and the richest snottiest person of them all is a girl named Scarlet Johanssen. I mean O’hara. Anyway, when we first meet Scarlet she’s jamming food into her face and talking to a bunch of men and they all think she’s beautiful and attractive and that she would make a wonderful mother for their children.
After that, Scarlet meets a man named Rhett Buttler who is (in every way imaginable) a complete jerk. Then the Civil War happens and all of the people who love her wander off to various places and then… something else happens… that I am admittedly SUPER sketchy on. I think maybe Scarlet is in love with someone with a really stupid name… like Ashley, or Gena or something that is 98 Percent a girls name. So she’s in love with Gertrude or whatever his name is but she ends up marrying some other guy who then goes off to war and dies of the measles or the mumps or… a mocha. Or something. So Scarlet’s mother sends her off to Atlanta to recover her sanity by helping a bunch of wounded soldiers who are slowly dying of mumps, malaria, and bullets!!
But Scarlet (because she is a TERRIBLE person) can’t handle taking care of soldiers and runs away from all of them. Here she meets Rhett again but Rhett (because he is conceivably a WORSE person) abandons her for reasons that are never entirely clear (though she is SUPER annoying and INCREDIBLY whiny so… I get it) and then he goes off to do some things while Scarlet goes back home to Terror, with some people and conceivably a baby… for some reason. When she gets to Terror though the place is a rundown wreck and she eats some… carrots… or something? And then she gets super mad at the carrots and yells something about how hungry she is… and she doesn’t want to be hungry anymore, but like she’s holding carrots. Eat the carrots lady. Don’t yell at the sky.
Anyway so that’s the end. Of Part 1. Yeah… there’s a whole other part to this story of two jerky unappealing people who want to alternatively marry and definitely not marry each other.
So along comes part 2. Scarlet is settling down at Terror and so far has avoided both carrots and yelling at the sky. Unfortunately, she gets married again to some dude named a mans actual name (Frank… or Fred… or something.) But he gets murdered by someone that has something to do with Scarlet because it’s her fault and she is (let us remember) a terrible horrible person.
So now that she’s murdered two husbands with her smarmy, stupid face, Rhett proposes marriage to her and THEY get married officially claiming the Worst Couple Ever award for YEARS. But wait, it gets better, because these two unlikable, moronic, unattractive, soot piles, decide to make a baby and they name that baby (wait for it) Bonnie Blue. No, I’m not making that up. If I tried to make up a name stupider than that… I would fail. Scarlet decides that she doesn’t like having babies though (which in her defense does make sense) and that she won’t have any more.
Shortly after this decision though Blue Bonnet falls off of a tiny pony and dies. Rhett wants Scarlet to have another baby but Scarlet has come to the (very logical) conclusion that Rhett should NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PROCREATE. Ever. And she won’t do it. Plus, she runs into Jeana, or Billy Sue, or whatever that dudes name was that she was in love with earlier, and they hug… or something happens between them. And then the mother of the baby that belongs to Jeana also dies and then Rhett decides to leave Scarlet (because he’s a jerk and insensitive but she is also (in his defense) a jerk and insensitive AND in love with someone named after a girl) and Scarlet in a shocking moment that really proves her hilarious inability to make any sort of decision about anything, begs Rhett to stay.
Rhett, in a moment of true, earth shattering, mind numbing, dumb, insensitive, jerkishness, leaves anyway. And Scarlet, in a true, earth shattering, stupid, dumb, face melting, brain draining display of true moronicness vows to win him back. And that, friends, is (mercifully) the end of this movie. Thank, the Lord.
Usually I tear apart these old classic movies and then at the end I laugh and say “but totally still watch this movie cause it’s a classic and a good time” but in this case? Don’t actually watch this. I mean it’s not like… the worst movie ever. But it is actually about four hours long. And it actually features two of the most hilariously unlikeable and moronically stupid characters ever in the world of anything. So yeah… don’t watch it.
Thanks for reading guys, you all are awesome, and check back in on Thursday as I continue to try and come up with something to write about as the month of September rolls on.