Hello Internet, and welcome to a very special episode of Thoughts We Might Have Had, an episode that will be much shaken but never stirred. An episode which (it must be said) should be entirely credited to my mother with whom I have watched many James Bond movie marathons. That rights Ladies, Bond… James Bond. Over the years (25 or more) many people have worn the James Bond combover, but who wore it best? Who was the smoothest of the smooth? The suavest of the suave? Only one way to find out, a bold fonted, center oriented, text block.

Rank’em: James Bond

There have been six total Bond’s over the storied story, of James Bond, but we must now ask ourselves who was the best? And (by virtue of finding out who the best was) discover who was the worst. Because for every mountain top, there is a valley. For every  magical city of Atlantis there are the extremely less magical sewers of Atlantis. And for every delicious steak dinner you probably can’t afford to eat the next three days (if you’re me.) So let’s start at the bottom. The basement. The sucks. A man named…

Number 6: Pierce Brosnan

Bronsan was Bond for  four movies though the only not awful one was GoldenEye which inspired what is easily the best James Bond video game ever. Other than that, Brosnan’s movies were terrible. Brosnan’s Bond wasn’t the suave, smooth spy we know and love, his Bond seemed like all of the worst things one could say about really anyone. He was smug, superior, snotty, smarmy, a jerk, entitled, and probably one of least appealing people in any of his films. Goldeneye featured him and Sean Bean and it was like the film makers were admitting to themselves “Yeah… Sean Bean would have been way better at this, huh?”  It was just an awkward time for James Bond, the movies in the 80’s and prior had been charming and fun and not horrendously dark (for the most part,) The world was changing though and James Bond hadn’t changed with them. Also, Pierce Brosnan was the worst.

 Number 5: George Lazenby

Tough call here for me, honestly. I had no particular problem with Lazenby’s one James Bond movie (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) it wasn’t exactly awesome. And there was just one of them. But more on this in a second.

Number 4: Roger Moore

So here’s the thing: I certainly prefer Lazenby to Moore in terms of playing James Bond. Especially late career Roger Moore when James Bond was all the sudden a chunky, balding, guy who looked more like someone’s wealthy father-in-law then a secret agent. But somehow women mysteriously still fell in love with. Like when Captain Kirk got fat and all of space and time still wanted to kiss him for reasons unknown to man or spacekind. That said Moore was just in SO MANY Bond movies it’s hard to snub him in favor of a guy who was only in one (and not necessarily a classic)  so you can have this victory Roger Moore but it doesn’t mean I like you any better.

"And after this we're marching straight down to the principles office young lady."

“And after this we’re marching straight down to the principles office young lady.”

Number 3: Timothy Dalton

Yes Timothy Dalton was only Bond for two movies, but they were awesome movies. The Living Daylights and License to Kill are classics and really the only two movies between Connery and Craig that I actually really like. Dalton took Bond in a darker direction before Brosnan came along and oddly took him in the exact opposite direction. The 80’s weren’t really ready for a Bond as dark as Dalton and natural over reaction for that seemed to be making Bond into a woosy, horrifyingly snide, pansy man… for reasons.

Okay so that’s the easy part. Mostly people I don’t like and Timothy Dalton and some dude who was in one Bond movie one time that most people don’t even remember. Now we get to the hard part. The two two: Daniel Craig vs. James Bond. Rather than just callously throw out the name like some baby with some bathwater or some beatle with some dung let’s take a look at the contestants shall we? Starting at the very beginning with Sean Connery.

Hello, ladies...

Hello, ladies…

Oh Mr. Connery, the very first of the James Bonds and (most would say) nothing has ever beaten the original. Honestly, it’s hard to disagree with them, sure the movies were a little over the top and not necessarily overburdened with their attatchment to reality but hey, they were awesome for what they were. It was a whole new hero, a suave, smooth hero who wasn’t afraid to crack a one liner, seduce some random woman, and then shoot everyone. Sean Connery made 5.5 Bond movies (I say half because if you don’t think The Rock was a James Bond film you obviously missed out on the entire point of The Rock) and all 5.5 of them were great. Some more great, some less great, but Connery just had a natural charm to him that made you want to go along on what was (admittedly) a crazy crazy ride.

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum you have Daniel Craig. The current Bond, Craig took over after the horrible mutton faced creature called Brosnan was done ruining EVERYTHING… wow… I have been writing this post too long. Anyway, Craig took over at what was quite likely James Bond’s lowest point in the public’s eye. When Casino Royale came out no one really knew what to expect of it, and then it was awesome. Bond was back and ready for the twenty first century, he was the James Bond we deserved, but not the one we needed right now… no wait… That’s—that’s something else. But in a weird way it does work. Bond was darker, he still had that Bond flair to him, that one-liner dropping, dashing smile, sort of charm but he also punched people, made mistakes, had problems. This was a far more realistic Bond, and we loved it. And then Quantum of Solace happened… and that sucked. But THEN Skyfall happened and that was AWESOME. Really awesome.

But that’s all for nothing, cause in the end (like so many Highlanders) before us we must remember that THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!

And that one is…

Number 1. Sean Connery – Sorry Daniel, you know I love you, but sometimes you just can’t beat the original. So thanks Sean, for 5.5 great movies (go watch the Rock again… haters.)

"I'm alwaysh James Bond... alwaysh."

“I’m alwaysh James Bond… alwaysh.”

So thanks for reading guys, you folks are awesome and I appreciate your awesomeness. Also, I would be horribly remiss if I didn’t take just a minute to remember those who died 13 years ago today in one of the greatest tragedies America has ever seen. 13 years seems like a long time but let us never forget the events of that day, the lives that were lost, the innocence that was taken from our children, or the many years since that our war against terrorism has raged on. A thanks to our brave troops, our many wonderful patriots that have served this country in big and small ways, and may God bless America.

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