5 Things I Learned From Peter Pan

Posted: September 9, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Hey Internet, sorry about the non-post yesterday. I’m teaching on Mondays this year from roughly 8 in the morning until Forever O’clock (Pacific Standard Time) and as such I’m actually going to make the first ever Thoughts We Might Have Had official scheduling change!!! I’m gonna post Tuesdays and Thursdays. And announcement done.

So, now that that’s out of the way what shall we talk about? Who shall we become? How shall we survive a month in which ZERO good movies come out? The answer (of course) is to journey back into the dear dim past of our dear dim pants and make horrible, sarcastic jokes about movies everyone should love! So let’s dive right in then shall we?

5 Things I Learned From Peter Pan

 1. Always trust strangers who come into your room late at night wearing short skirts.

What’s that? A person you don’t know just broke into your room with some magical dust and asked you to fly away with him to a magical kingdom?? Dude, you go for that. Fly away into that magical kingdom, friend. Don’t leave a note, or get clothes, or put… ya know pants on. Just fly away to Neverland, everything will be great.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

2. Mermaids are evil.

Okay, this one is actually true. Half-fish + half-lady = ALL evil. They will drown you. Drag you. Eat you. And then use your rotting, dead, watery corpse, as an all you can eat food platter. And these mermaids weren’t even just regularly evil they were “Mean Girls” evil. They would mock your hairstyle, critique your mascara, and then MURDER you!! To death.

3. Always bring a knife to a swordfight.

Because fighting with a three inch swiss army knife verses a man with a HUGE pirate sword makes a lot of sense. It gives you the element of… um… surprise? I guess. Or maybe the element of… stupid? Look, I’m all about perfecting your art and mastering the use of whatever weapon you happen to have chosen. I mean Daredevil was a TERRIBLE movie but Jennifer Aniston and her double knives of murder death?? Those were awesome. But she was a Ninja, and on a scale of 1 to awesome her knives were dope!! And on a scale of 1-Dumb Peter’s knives were mind-numbingly stupid… I need to work on my scales…

4. Alligators are hunting you. Always.

Never close your eyes, man. They’re after you. The alligators. If you hear something ticking, run. Run to the ends of the earth, go beyond the ends of the earth, find yourself a whole other dimension, and that gator will still come for you. He has a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

5. Never underestimate the power of racism.

In a society where we can barely name our football teams it’s good to know that we’ll have a song entitled “What Makes the Red Man Red” to play for our children. I mean the song even has racist Indian dancing, racist Indian peace pipe smoking, and the insinuation of recreational drug use!! Peter Pan everyone, show it to your kids.

So there you go guys, 5 Things I have learned from the Peter and his Pan. Thanks Disney, and thank you audience. You guys are great! Check back in Thursday when I go over the great and wonderful history, of James Bond.

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