Bioshock: Infinite

Posted: August 28, 2014 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
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All right so last week Steam (a wonderful, horrible place that saves you money and costs you money simultaneously) ran a huge sale on a game called Bioshock: Infinite. Now, I’m not a huge gamer in that I have ZERO free time and the free time I do have is time I should definitely be using to do something profitable but everyone seems to mutually agree that this game is AWESOME. I posted on Facebook asking for people’s opinion and was drowned under a deluge of people saying I should buy it. I mean, I’m not a super popular person but I’m pretty sure people friended purely to tell me to buy this game… and potentially to steal my credit card info… I should really take that off my homepage huh?

Anyway, I bought Bioshock: Infinite from Steam which is to guys what a 50% off sign is to women in a shoe store. No you don’t technically need those diamond studded 20 inch heels but they’re just so dang cheap!!! So I bought it and here is what happened…

 Bioshock: Infinite

For real though: it looks like that.

For real though: it looks like that.

Okay so I woke up to find myself in a boat traveling towards a lighthouse which looked vaguely familiar to me (it’s been a LONG time since I played the first two games) and shortly after arriving at the tower one thing became incredibly clear to me: I was insane. Off the chain. Released from the mortal tether of brainhood. A few cabbages short of an adorable baby doll, if you know what I mean.

Wait... there's a video game??? Also, where IS my pony?

Wait… there’s a video game??? Also, where IS my pony?

Bioshock has a fairly long history of completely insane people being the main character and this game was not any exception.

So anyway for this game I was transported to the highest of high heavens wherein a bunch of other crazy people were living idyllic lives in a floating city called Columbia. A city filled with calm, tranquility, and horrible racism. The racism (as it turns out) is just one of this cities many problems and now that I’ve shown up the entire thing falls completely apart and streets formerly filled with the laughter of children and 1920’s barber shop quartets were doomed to be filled with gunfire, horrible screams, and my hilarious inability to aim.

Now, when I first arrived my goal was to capture a girl and bring her back down to the surface world, which sounds harsh but as it turns out she was already captured by someone else which I’m pretty makes it okay. Like stealing something that somebody else had already stolen!!… Except, ya know, a human… which still sounds pretty bad. Anyway, I found this girl person after raining horrible death and destruction all over the walls around Columbia’s soldiers (cause I can’t aim) but for some reason she didn’t want to be brought to the surface to someone who had paid to have her kidnapped. Women.

She (for some lady reason) wanted to go to Paris and live a free happy life away from conflict and the very real possibility that I would accidentally shower her with a hail of bullets. I don’t want to give away much more of the story but to say that it had a roller coaster storyline would be like saying the pacific ocean had “some water” in it. And in typical Bioware fashion right as I thought I had all the insanity figured out, the insanity got more insane, the figures got unfigured and it was quickly revealed that I had no idea what was going on.

The Gameplay:

Bioshock: Infinite plays from a first person perspective (meaning you’re “in the head” of your character) and is 93% a shooter game (meaning you shoot stuff.) I say 93% cause the other 7% is made up of a “magic” system that the game calls “Vigors” which are essentially the only reason I lived through the game.

As I may have mentioned I have all the precise aiming ability of a Ferret with double vision… who’s drunk. So the only way I beat the game was through the cunning use of Vigors, which I would basically use like land mines. So I’d set up an obstacle course of explosive lava mountains using precision and mathematical algorithms, then carefully  lured someone in and watch as he magically dodged all my traps and punched me in the face with a shotgun. At which point I would freak out and randomly lob grenades until everyone was dead, burning, and melted (this usually included me.)

Also: huge metal birds of death.

Also: huge metal birds of death.

The controls are smooth though and it plays very nicely. Some of the key assignments are a bit less than ideal but you can re-assign them if you really feel the need to. I did not feel the need to because as anyone who reads this blog could tell you, I prefer to complain hilariously about things. Heck, I’ve made an entire made up career out of complaining about things I could easily avoid.

Visually the game looks great and is both beautifully wonderful and wonderfully horrifiying. It has a very distinct and awesome visual style that is undeniably its own and you won’t forget it.

In Conclusion:

Bioshock: Infinite is a wonderful game. The story is gripping and never lets up, the gameplay is smooth and easy to pick up, and all the whole it’s a wonderful experience. I liked the original Bioshock a lot, the second Bioshock was basically the first Bioshock except… okay so it was pretty much the first Bioshock, but Bioshock: Infinite strikes a perfect balance between creating its own exciting new world and having a familiar feel and look to it. It is (unequivocally) wonderful. Even if you (unequivocally) cannot aim.

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