Internet!! I’m back!!! Like the plague, like baby, and like black. I am back. And sick. Sick sick sick. As such, I’m going to cut the fat, trim the crap, and flip the flop as I march into the box office top ten and layeth down some smack.
Box Office Top Ten 8/8/14
So Boyhood is about um… something. It was filmed over the course of 12 years which is impressive… but it also stars Ethan Hawke which is distinctly less impressive. It’s gotten really good reviews but this seems like snobby filmery at its finest so… I don’t know… Also it’s playing in about three theaters so, yeah. If this sounds interesting to you go for it I guess but as for me and my house… We will not, for lo I am snob, but that much snob.
9. Step Up: All In
Ha ha. Oh… it cracks me up that this series is a thing. Here’s a summary of every movie in this series: good dancing, bad story, worse acting. So if you like dancing I guess this is for you… though you do know about youtube right? Cause you can watch some awesome dancing on youtube and not have to worry about the pesky “not dancing, brick faced acting” parts.
Oh Lucy… you were so close to being a decent action movie… and then you sucked. Lucy is like a child on the beach who starts building a really nice castle… and then wrecks it. And pees on it. And lights it on fire. And destroys the world.
7. The Hundred Foot Journey
If you’re looking for a new release movie to see this week, this is it. Helen Mirren is wonderful. End of story. It’s not a great action movie, and it’s by no means a perfect film but it’s Helen Mirren. Shut-up.
6. Into the Storm
It’s like Twister except… okay so it’s pretty much Twister. The affects are better, the story is worse, welcome to modern cinema everyone. We have run out of ideas, but isn’t it pretty?
5. The Giver
Here’s the thing: I like the book The Giver fine, but it’s not great source material for a movie. It’s all “in peoples brains” and “let’s hold hands and think about the past” and other things. It was a weird decision to make it into a movie. And it did not go well. Good cast… unsuitable source material.
4. The Expendables 3
Oh Expendables. If you want to see this movie, you probably already have. I’m not necessarily opposed to the Expendables series, sure it’s not great cinema, it won’t change your life, but it also doesn’t try to. If Lucy was a sandcastle that was destroyed midway through, Expendables is a sand castle that was finished… though granted it was made with a bucket with a hole in it… by a three year old… koala. I will probably see this at some point when I’m in the mood for some murder and my wife is nowhere nearby… but I will not pay 10 dollars. At all.
3. Let’s Be Cops
This is a horrible movie. Don’t watch it. I like New Girl as much as anyone: don’t watch this. Ever.
2. Guardians of the Galaxy
Go watch this. Read my full review here. And go watch this. Now. Are you gone?? Go.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
This title is SOOO long. And this movie is bad. I mean it’s not horrible. If you like Ninja Turtles it’ll probably be worth your time but… beyond that this probably isn’t for you. It’s dumb. Stupid. Not funny. It’s like Transformers… but worse. If such a thing is possible.
So there you go guys! Check back in Thursday when I will hopefully be more alive, more funny, and more able to make fun of Michael Bay.