5 Things I Learned from Beauty and the Beast

Posted: August 4, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey Internet, and welcome to a very special day. Recently someone asked me not to do something, and I like every great journalist throughout the history of history, am now going to band together, listen to my public (whom I love) and do exactly what they asked me not to do. I’m not going to release her name on here but I want to thank that person and (perhaps) teach them that the best way to get me to do something: is to ask me not to do it. Because I am a rebel, an America, and someone who doesn’t frankly have a lot of great ideas for what to write about most of the time. So thank you person who asked me not to do this: this one’s for you.

5 Things I Learned from Beauty and the Beast

1. Always let someone into your house. Always.

They might curse you. If you turn a stranger away from your house in the night, that person will turn you into an unspeakable horror monster and make all of your friends into utensils. Let everyone into your house. Forever. Picture this: you’re at home after a hard day’s work , it’s stormy outside, you sit down on your couch to watch a show or read a book or write me out that check you’ve been meaning to send me when all the sudden someone knocks on your door. You go to the door and standing there staring at you is a creepy horrifying terrible old woman with a flower and all she wants to do is stay in your house, sleep in your bed, murder you, and eat your entrails with lentil soup. Would you let her in???

"No really, all I want is a warm bed, and a roof over my head... and your soul."

“No really, all I want is a warm bed, and a roof over my head… and your soul.”

Or, let’s turn this around, and make it more interesting. If someone turns you away from a house and you are an old lady/fairy why do you automatically assume they’re doing it cause they’re a selfish horrible person who wants to keep diving into all their millions of dollars for themselves? Maybe their pet wolverine, Huckleberry, is loose and on a rampage, maybe their servants are on strike and burning the house down from the inside, maybe they have the flu!! You don’t know fairy lady. You don’t know.

2. Never go into the woods.

Ever. Wolves. Death. Kidnapping. Angry mobs. All of these things happen in the woods. Stay out of them.

Woods: waiting patiently to murder you since time began.

Woods: waiting patiently to murder you since time began.

3. Being a beast would actually be kind of awesome.

I mean what are the drawbacks here?? You’ve got friends, servants, servants who are friends, a huge castle, awesome beast powers, and as far as I can tell a fairly long lifespan. I mean did you see the castle when he was cursed and then the castle when Belle showed up?? That did not happen overnight my friends. That’s YEARS worth of decayse and he spent those years as a literal beast. Probably the only person who could really violate lesson #2. He could wander through the woods without a care!!

4. There’s always a slim chance that your furniture will try to murder you.

Have you really thought of the ramifications of that scene?? Doesn’t that terrify you? You go to throw out your old wardrobe and all the sudden the thing tries to MURDER you! This is like Toy Story but a million times worse. Cause at least you probably treat your toys fairly well. I treat my bureau terribly. I insult it and it’s woody exterior. Regularly slam its draws unnecessarily and make fun off its oaky varnish. If that bureau can understand me I need to rethink my life. Should I not sit on my chairs?? Do my chairs want to be sat on? How do they feel about that? Do they like it? Do they like it too much? Should I be worried that my chair likes being sat on too much? This just keeps getting worse.

Never sit down. Ever.

Never sit down. Ever.

5. Stockholm syndrome is a perfectly valid basis for a relationship.

Yup, kidnappings, they’re awesome. Fall in love. Get married to someone regardless of your potentially being a completely different  species from the person you kidnap/fall in love with. It’s all good!! Though technically… He kidnapped her father, and then traded her for her father… so is that Human Trafficking? Kidnapping followed by human trafficking leads to a love story and a solo sung by a teapot who (as far as we can tell) is 90 percent a slave?? Did this just somehow become much worse and even (unbelievably) less appropriate? Have I suddenly wandered into something really kind of horrifying and in no way funny??? Yes. Yes I have.

Well thanks for reading guys!! And thanks for suggesting I not do this loyal reader who I have probably offended, as you could probably tell from those last two points you were probably right in the end. So come on back Thursday when I will (hopefully) review Guardians of the Galaxy (spoiler) it’s gonna be awesome!!!

  1. brianafrei says:

    Note to self…. Keep my most sacred films to myself. Note to Micah… Touché, but it’s still my most favorite tale as old as time.

  2. Micah says:

    As it should be Briana, please do not allow my sarcasm to in any way harm your movie enjoyment!!

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