Posted: July 31, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey Internet, and welcome to an austere, auspicious, and austerlicious day!! (Editor’s note: And we have the first made up word in the first sentence. Buckle up, folks!) Last night I had the pleasure of hopping in my car with my lovely wife and heading off towards our local movie theater to watch Lucy!!! Shortly after that I had the pleasure of turning my car around after realizing that we were in fact headed towards the wrong local movie theater. But anyway, my hilarious lack of directional aptitude aside, I did succeed in watching Lucy last night and shall proceed to review it in the convenient area located directly below this.

Micah Review’s Lucy

Lucy was a movie that (for a while) wasn’t getting a ton of publicity, and then it got WAY too much publicity and now here it is before us. So is it basically just an excuse to watch Scarlet Johannson play the Black Widow with slightly different hair? Or is there more to this movie then meets the eye?

You mean... these eyes???

You mean… these eyes???

The Plot:

So, Lucy is just an average girl, living in her average world, with her crazy cowboy hat wearing boyfriend who seems to have roughly the moral scruples of Satan’s evil terrier. Largely because of said evil terrier, Lucy is kidnapped by some evil drug lords… as opposed to ya know, the super nice drug lords… anyway, she’s kidnapped and after a super long, really weird scene, she is operated on and has some horrifying doom drugs placed in her stomach.

Unfortunately the drug lords don’t communicate super well with their underlings and some idiot somewhere decides that the best way to take care of a recently operated on person that you need to transport drugs for you is to kick her repeatedly in the stomach.  Somewhat unsurprisingly, after her stomach is used as a piñata by angry lackeys the drugs inside her start leaking and (incredibly surprisingly) Lucy develops super brain powers of destiny.

As it turns out the drugs hit her in the brain and made her brain begin slowly unlocking its full potential. This is the start to a long and very complicated journey to… somewhere… that is a place… or not a place… potentially.

The Pros:

A very good performance by Scarlet Johansson. It’s not great… and she spends an alarming amount of time just sort of staring at people in a “super brained” sort of way. But she does well at it, and carries most of the movie on her super brained shoulders. It’s certainly not a great performance but she’s very solid and handles what was definitely a tricky part very nicely. And of course Morgan Freeman is awesome but that barely even bears saying as you already knew that.

Apparently a side affect of super brainhood is that your eyes have the color consistency of a high school girl's mood ring.

Apparently a side affect of super brainhood is that your eyes have the color consistency of a high school girl’s mood ring.

Somewhere in here there’s a very interesting action movie, built on an interesting premise. In fact the first hour or so of the movie is quite entertaining. The main character is interesting, her power spread grows in an interesting way, and she interacts with and affects that world in an interesting way. Unfortunately though the movie is an hour and a half long and that last half hour… well let’s talk about that in a second.

The Cons:

That first hour (the good hour) shows the occasional flash of what I will charitably call “Philosophy 101 drop out on a sugar high”-isms. Nothing that drags the movie down to much but it’s still there. That last half hour though just disappears entirely into a large sticky bog filled puddle of terrible horrible philosophical, sparkly, nonsense. And not even particularly good philosophy. Bad, incongruous philosophy. The movie takes the idea that time is the defining measurement of humanity and makes it into this big “super-brained” person idea when I’m pretty we already had accepted that at this point. Or at least were aware of it. And then the main character starts time travelling, and there’s dinosaurs, and an ape man, and the Beatles, and a space thumb drive, and Lucy is in the sky with diamonds and the movie just sort of wonders off to its own little corner where it can play with its legos by itself.

It  really is a shame cause really the lead up to the last half hour isn’t terrible. The last half hour: is. It’s like the writer and the director decided to just run into each other at high speeds and then we’re kidnapped slapped with Plutarchs lives, murdered, re-animated, painted with radioactive duckys, and then sat down to finish the movie. There’s absolutely no explaining what happens in the last thirty minutes. It’s not that I don’t want to spoil it for you, it’s that I literally CANNOT explain it. Cannot. It is physically impossible. If you could understand it , you would be dead. Or a computer. Or a magical thumb drive. Or something.

I suppose I could talk about how the cast around Johansson and Freeman is largely weak and that there are some plot holes but frankly all of the holes and the casting and all that jazz gets sucked down the massive pit hole of doom that is the last thirty minutes.

In Conclusion:

I can’t talk too much about how sad the last thirty minutes makes me. It sucks. And it ruins what would have been a decent movie. I debated what to give this for a while as I really did like a lot of the thing that happened here but alas that an okay beginning cannot made up for a miserable ending.

I give it 2 Space Thumb Drives out of 5.

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