Box Office Top Ten 7/28/2014

Posted: July 28, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Hi Internet, first off let me say that I’m sorry about leaving you all alone last Thursday. It wasn’t me… it was you. Wait wait no… I mean it wasn’t you, it was me. And some health emergencies that I won’t get into right now. But anyway, that’s all sorted out and I’m here now with the open arms, warm hugs, and cold cold sarcasm that you need to make you world go round. As many of you may know last week was comic-con a time for nerds to get together, dress like their favorite super heroes, and ignore the gnawing sense of spiritual emptiness that drives them slowly insane. And like so many times before I, on this day, will completely ignore that.

Seriously though. I’m ignoring it. Starting now.

Box Office Top Ten 7/28/14

Let’s get the obvious part out of the way first: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY COMES OUT IN 4 DAYS!! Okay… I’m good.

10. A Most Wanted Man

The last movie (except for the “Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 The Boring Half We’re Gonna Make You Watch for Your Moneys”) starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman a most wanted man is a thoughtful engaging spy thriller. Unfortunately you’d pretty much have to be capable of actual spying to find a movie theater where this thing is playing so… yay for positive reviews from snooty people who live near theaters that happen to be playing this, boo for not letting me watch it.

9. Tammy

A Melissa McArthy movie that is (in a word) HORRIBLE. And, in another word, terrible. Don’t watch this. I don’t care if Melissa McArthy comes to your house, pays you money, and watches it with you. Don’t watch this. Watch Gilmore Girls or… something else with her in it that wasn’t horrible… like umm… Gilmore Girls? Again?

8. And So It Goes

A movie starring Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton “And So It Goes” has been universally praised by critics as being “something  that is probably preferable to getting your eyes gouged out by a toaster pastry.” Yeah, don’t watch this either. It’s bad.

"Now, both of you just keep smiling as you slowly watch your career circle the drain."

“Now, both of you just keep smiling as you slowly watch your career circle the drain.”

7. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Speaking of things not to watch. Don’t watch this. Ever. In your life. Never. Stop it. Stop thinking about watching this. Stop.

6. Sex Tape

It’s a movie and Cameron Diaz is in it. Don’t watch it. Wow… this is… four movies in a row now that no one should watch. Ever.

5. Planes: Fire and Rescue

"Planes: Fire and Rescue" because someone somewhere is apparently watching these.

“Planes: Fire and Rescue” because someone somewhere is apparently watching these.

A mediocre sequel to a mediocre movie which is a spin-off of the mostly mediocre Cars franchise… Yay. On the plus side at least mediocrity is better than the steaming pile of pickle carcasses that were the last couple movies. If Planes is a bowl of oatmeal (reliably bland) then Sex Tape, Transformers, And So It Goes, and Tammy are a bowl of oatmeal made from your grandma’s ninety year old lawn furniture.

4. Purge: The Anarchy

The Purge: The Anarcy is the sequel to last year’s movie The Purge: Not Any Anarchy At All. The Purge 1 got mostly horrible reviews but everyone watched it, the Purge 2 has gotten significantly less horrible reviews (though still pretty bad ones) and much fewer people are watching it. I don’t know what any of that says about our society what I’m saying is mostly: probably don’t watch this. But then again unless your living next to one of the Theaters run by Unicorn and showing “A Most Wanted Man” you really haven’t had anything to watch at all this week have you. Well hang in there, it’ll get better.

3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Here you go people. Go watch this. Gary Oldman and Andy Serkis are awesome, it’s got a surprisingly thoughtful storyline, great action, and giant monster monkeys of death. What’s not to like?

2. Hercules

Hercules is pretty much exactly what you thought Hercules would be. The Rock punches things and asks people to stop calling him The Rock. There are some cool looking monsters, some big battle scenes, and for some reason Hercules wears a lion for a hat. It’s good. Not great. Not deep and thoughtful. But it’s really not going for that, it’s trying to be a fun summer movie that you take your kids to and let them watch a big man punch stuff… because that’s what you want your kid to learn to do… I guess. Wow you’re kind of a crappy parent aren’t you???

1. Lucy

So Lucy is a movie that stars Scarlet Johanssen and involves her gaining mental super powers and  murdering a lot of people. It’s gotten mixed reviews but at the very least everyone agrees it’s an interesting premise and that Johanssen carries things pretty well. Personally I’m hoping to get out and see this soon as I love a good “mental superpowers” film and Morgan Freemen is awesome. End of story.

After weeks of World Cup halftime commercials this movie is finally in theaters!! And the world cup is over... sigh...

After weeks of World Cup halftime commercials this movie is finally in theaters!! And the world cup is over… sigh…

So there you go guys, ten movies most of which I strongly recommend you staying very very far away from! Thanks for reading and I shall be back on Thursday to (hopefully) review Lucy!!

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