So Internet, how’s the happenings? Good weekend? Fun times? Unanswerable questions? Good. Glad to hear it. Anyway, let’s get down to it huh? I talked for like a million minutes about Thor and Lady Thor and vague comic book questions about the future of things people don’t actually care about. So instead of talking about that, I’m gonna talk about Walt Disney movies!! Get excited.
5. Eating fish is super evil.
Fish are ALIVE my friends. They have hearts and souls and speech patterns and adorable Caribbean accents. Never eat fish. Ever. Stop it. That’s a person. Sort of. At least Finding Nemo had some fish that seemed fairly evil, you could just hope as you were filleting that fish that it had done something to deserve it. The Little Mermaid the fish were all these magical creatures who just wanted to stay under then sea and not be eaten by a fat human fat fatty fatterson like you!!
4. Collect everything you possibly can forever.
Ariel: the original hoarder. You want thingamabobs??? She’s got twenty!! But who cares, no big deal, she’ll get more!!! She wants to have no personal space, she wants to keep, wants to keep collecting, taken some stuff and putting it into some bins!!!! …
Okay… Sorry about that… Seriously though, Ariel had an entire cave filled with things she had no practical use for or understanding of. This would be like if I got a second mortgage and filled a house with Young Adult Romance Novels. Not only would it serve no purpose, but even if I did want to use them I wouldn’t be able to because I am not the demographic for which they were intended!!
3. Everything will work out fine, so just sing your name to stuff.
I guarantee you every car salesman has at one point or another thanked the makers of this movie. “Here, this is a contract from someone who obviously has some ulterior motive and just happens to look like the evil spawn of Lucifer and a marine animal, don’t worry about reading it though, just take this pen and slap your name on there. Don’t be a pansy and read the contract or suggest possible amendments such as “No fair using my voice against me to seduce the man I love” or even “No fair murder killing Eric which is what you actually should have done the second I signed this thing.” Don’t worry, just close your eyes sign on the line, everything will be great.
2. Don’t marry random people who you heard sing one time.
What? I heard you sign once and it sounded good?? Well OBVIOUSLY I will marry you!! Wait was there mind control??? I don’t think there was mind control. I think Eric was just a moron. Which is really its own kind of mind control! I mean if you’re an idiot ANYONE can mind control you. “What’s that?? I love you because I heard you sing at a great distance one time??? Yes I do.” “What? Low monthly payments and rent control on a condo in Atlantis?? Sign me up!!” Eric may have been all hot and manly and sea captainy but of the lights in the harbor, he was not the brightest… or even lit. Or shining out the harbor. He was probably turned around illuminating the wall of the local grain shop. Well done, Eric.
1. Actually no… go ahead and eat fish.
Brace yourselves for this next sentence fragment: I went and watched Under the Sea again. Yup, I did research. You know what I realized?? Fish are super mean to clams in that video. They beat them like drums repeatedly and then at one point Sebastian jams a whole string of fish hooks into the mouth of one of them!! Holy cow. Abuse much? Also, Flounder is super annoying, the eels try and murder someone, and Flounder is SUPER annoying. Aside from one whimsical musical number all we know about the fish in the ocean is that they allow themselves to be ruled by any idiot holding a trident, they have very little actual function aside from chorus animals, and that Flounder is annoying. Kill ‘em all!!
Wow… that got dark… Anyway, enjoy your week, hang in there until Thursday when I dispense more wisdom, and make more poignant death threats to various innocents.