5 Things to Know About Owning Cats

Posted: July 3, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

So for the last couple weeks or so I’ve done a lot of guy/nerdy things on the site. I live blogged the World Cup  in which I may or may not have cried like a little girl, I drafted a ton of super heroes, talked about video games, and used the words “cried like a little girl” less than a sentence ago. I feel like I may be alienating my female fan base (both of you) in favor of my male fan base (Bill from accounting) and thusly, I feel the need to re-connect with my lady-base in a totally non pandering un-sexist way, by talking a lot about cats.

I have a lot of cats. Too many cats some would say (particularly the apartment complex I live in) but you can never have too many cats… probably…  So here are some things you should know about cats.

1. Contrary to popular belief cats fully understand everything you say to them.

People assume dogs understand humans because dogs respond to humans. When you call a dog a dog comes to you. When you tell a dog to roll over the dog rolls over. Therefore, you know the dog understands you. Unlike dogs, cats completely understand you, they just don’t care. At all.

Yeah, she can totally here you.

Yeah, she can totally here you.

All of my trillions of cats know their names, they just choose not to respond to them because they have better things to do with their time; then worry about my needs and wants when they could be staring forlornly out the window desperately wishing they could be outside while at the same time being horribly afraid of ever actually going outside.

2. Once you have cats no food will ever be yours again.

Let’s get one thing very clear: as soon as you get a cat everything you own becomes the sole property of that cat. Your cat VERY generously allows you to use its  things but everything you have belongs to your cat and can (at any point) be reclaimed by your cat for cat purposes. A prime example of that is your food… or more approprietely its food. Your cat doesn’t want your food, it would just like some of its food back from you. You eating your food in your own house has become a downright rude thing to attempt to do.

3. All cats are insane.

But as Barney would say they are each insane in their own special way. For instance amongst my catery I have: insane personal space invasion cat. Insane constantly making noise for no discernable reason cat. And insane wakes you up at 4 in the morning cause its bored cat. And these are just three very specific examples of the multifaceted insaneness of my cats.  I would be entirely unsurprised if I got home to find out one of my cats had a sudden proclivity for playing the cello and mixing sweet tea. Cats are insane. All of them. Without exception.

4. Cats sleep all the time. Even when they are awake.

Cats sleep about 22 hours a day in the normal way. Eyes closed heads buried in their own fur, all that stuff. The other hours of the day (both of them) they sort of wander around staring into space or trying to steal your food. All of these things they do with the vaguely prance of things that are pretty much definitely a sleep. They are (to boil it down) either asleep, going to sleep, or almost asleep completely regardless of that else they might be doing at the time.

A cat at its most vivacious.

A cat at its most vivacious.

5.   Cats are generally cool to have around.

I have done EXTENSIVE research on this. Extensive. And that is my conclusion. Sure your cats will make noise for no reason, steal your food more likely than not, and will probably wake you up for no reason at all at 4 in the morning. But ya know what? You’re the person they’re waking up, you’re the person whose stuff they probably think they actually own, and you are the person whose food they will desperately try to steal. And that ain’t nothing.

Okay folks so that’s enough of that sentimental weirdness. Just needed to get that out of my system after my soul was crushed Tuesday. I’ll be back to my usual hateful self Monday I promise!

  1. Reni says:

    Most insightful. Question: Have you ever made a post comparing-contrasting the dogs and cats?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s