World Cup Liveblog 7-1-14

Posted: July 1, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: ,

All right guys so here I sit on my couch at home watching the game! I went into work early today just so I could come home and be a lazy butt and watch this soccer game so here’s hoping it was worth it!! (It already is)

So here’s what I’m doing since wordpress doesn’t sponsor a liveblog. I’ll just be updating this post so those subscribed to my email feed don’t get swamped with emails every time I update. So I’ll be posting every few minutes random thoughts that I (you guessed it) might have had.

:52. Well we are 52 seconds in and the US has already been saved by Tim Howard’s Legs. Also, Tim Howard’s Legs really need their own twitter account. I would totally follow Tim Howard’s Legs just for posts like: “Man I just saved the US” -Tim Howards Legs.

2:40 I really hope e-mail subscribers aren’t getting an e-mail every time I update this thing, otherwise I’m getting a lot of unsubscribes today. Well so far they’ve almost scored twice and we have passed the ball to their goalie once. That said, the way we’re going to win this game is by playing a lot of defense and getting super lucky once or twice.

4:28 What are the odds Michael Bradley has gone color blind? I mean he’s an awesome soccer player, he really is but this whole world cup he’s been doing very little but passing the ball directly to the other team. Either he’s just having TERRIBLE bad luck, is secretly spying on us for another country, or he’s gone colorblind. Granted the first one is the most likely.

6:12 I’m probably naming my first child Fabian completely regardless of gender. Little Fabian Thompson would be a rock star. Rock. Star.

8:22 We are actually doing a lot more on the offensive end of things than we did against Germany which is a good sign. I also love Fellini’s hair. It’s either an afro or a small alien, leeching off of his brain. Given that he is “good in the air” my money’s on the latter.

11:06 Seriously I wonder how much Fellini’s hair weighs? You know when you get a haircut and your whole head feels lighter? If Fellini got a buzz there are decent odds he would gain the power of levitation.

13:34 I love these commentators. They are genuinely one of the best things in this entire world cup. He just said Belgium “couldn’t stop producing young talent” as if that was genuinely something they were trying not to do. He said in the same way you would say “Man Belgium just can’t stop producing radioactive corn products.”

16:00 And there’s someone on the field… for a long time, no one really seems to be trying to catch him either… He’s just sort of wondering around… And still… man very casual security people just came on to get him off. I’m more a fan of the American style of dealing with people running on the field where we tackle the person to the ground and steal their lunch money.

19:13 Hey a corner kick. And nothing, oh well, back hangin’ out… Ooh Dempsey with a nice almost goal, Michael Bradley came through and accidentally passed the ball to him and he got a decent shot, nothing though.

21:07 Good save by Tim Howard’s Hands. And a good job of swearing at the defenders by Tim Howard’s beard.

22:35 Belgium missed a wonderful chance to score on Tim Howard’s Shiny Bald Head. He “really made a mess of the finish” and it’s VERY true. Pretty much just him and the goal and he missed the goal.

25:15 Michael Beasley just made a great save!! So close to getting scored on there as Tim Howard’s Left Elbow had gotten straight up beat by the shot.

27:39 Eeshh this is not going well. TONS of pressure by Belgium and not much action on their end by us. Good save by Tim Howards pectorals though, so that seems to have given us a bit of a breather. The fact that we have a Beasley and Beasler is very confusing to me. I feel like we could just change some names there for me.

30:33 Well our right side just got even weaker as my future child Fabian goes down and we bring in Yedlin. Yedlin played in each of the last two games but only in a “here’s some fresh legs sprint around and cause trouble” kind of way. So let’s see how that works. Well there he goes up to try and get a cross, he’s fast I’ll give him that.

33:01 Jermaine Jones missed the goal, though according to the announcer he was “looking for a firecracker” which probably explains the missing. Keep your head in the game Jermaine!

34:50 I love the fans who get all dressed up for teams that weren’t actually in the World Cup. Some guy in full Canadian garb just popped up during the wave, apparently just happy to be in Brazil and be Canadian.

36:18 I also love when we cut to coach’s on the sidelines yelling for no reason. They just cut to Klinsman yelling about something but it’s not like we have a ton of context to understand why he’s yelling? Do we just not have anything better to do with our cameras?

37:52 Yedlin almost just gave the cross of the game there. If he actually does get one of those to go he’d be the most sub for the US team in a soccer game ever.

39:30 Free kick for Belgium and we are once more faced with the dizzying prospect of trying to keep Fellini’s alien air away from the soccer ball. I am very afraid of him.

40:34 Yedlin again. I should say Bradley made a nice play there and he may potentially be recovering some of his vision.

41:51 If Vincent Kompany doesn’t start some sort of Kompany Company after he retires I will be grossly disappointed. I would totally buy something from Vincent Kompany’s Teddy Bear Company.

43:17 Good punch off a corner kick by Tim Howard’s Meaty Knuckles.

44:10 Fellini’s hair just fouled a guy. Be afraid America, the hair is coming for you.

44:40 Corner kick right at half time. here we go! And there it goes… and here comes Belgium. Good save by Tim Howards Torso.

46:00 “What a competent boy he seems” my new favorite quote of the first half. Go Yedlin.

47: Corner kick for Belgium… I fear Fellini’s hair once more. But it seems to have been satiated by fouling someone. At this point America just stalling for halftime.

And halftime! As America lives to fight another half!! Hang in there America, come back poor Fabian!!

45:00 All right so here we go for half 2. We didn’t exactly look awesome in the first half but there’s no reason to think we can’t take this, so let’s see what happens here.

47:02 Good save by the Palms of Tim Howard’s Hands. Another corner for Belgium but they obligingly kicked it straight to Clint Dempsey, no doubt out of respect for his broken nose-hood. Cause really who doesn’t respect that?

48:37 Matt Beasler has apparently had a “slow burning career” and I’m trying to decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing? I guess good? You don’t want a fast burning career? So I assume a slow burning career is awesome right? Right.

51:24 Fellini… whose name (it turns out) is spelled Fellani just took a shot from forty yards out, due in no small part to the alien on his head squeezing his brain suddenly and making him think he could get a shot past Tim Howard’s Beard.

52:39 We were just informed it was a “sultry evening” down in Brazil… I don’t even know what that means? A sultry evening? An evening to be sultry on? I guess so.

53:55 Wow!! A ball just slowly rolled across the goal box! That was a sultry ball if ever there was one. Sheesh. That just took a year off my life.

55:14 Tim Howard’s Angry Face screaming at his defenders there. In defense of said Angry Face at this point it’s just a matter of time till Belgium scores unless something changes drastically.

56:36 “Tim Howard’s Legs to the rescue” you can’t make that stuff up. Seriously though, we need to get the ball on their half for a while or this whole thing is over.

57:50 good run up by the US there, but nothing comes from it, still though good to see their goalie again. I don’t think he actually had made it onto the TV since half-time. I’m glad he’s still there and didn’t wander off into the stands to find that Canadian guy, he certainly could have.

59:30 Wow I thought they had scored there… sheesh. This half is killing me.

60:42 We really have had some good runs forward, we just can’t seem to keep the ball long enough most times.

64:03 More time more defense for the US, though we’ve at least broken through a couple times. This half has not been good for my health, I’ve been freaking out so much I keep forgetting to hit the update button and I think I missed a chance to thank one of Tim Howard’s various goalkeeping body parts. Too much stress.

67:50 What is a saxophonist??? Oh… when you spell it out like that it becomes a lot more obvious, for some reason the British accent threw me off the scent of the somewhat obvious “dude who plays the saxophone.” My b there.

69:29 the little red headed Belgian boy is very upset at being called offside despite the face that he was standing about twenty yards behind any defenders. Can you imagine being a red headed Belgian step child?

70:48 Another great save their by Tim Howard’s Legs. Holy cow. Literally the life of American soccer has been saved about 4 times today by the scientific wonder known as Tim Howard’s Legs.

72:36 I think it’s great the Belgium just took a shot on goal after the whistle had stopped play and still missed wide left thanks to Tim Howard’s Powerful Brain Magic. You can’t stop that man.

73:38 Another nice shot by Dempsey, nice to see us putting on more pressure, could swing things a bit.

75:38 Wow Tim Howard’s Legs with their best save yet. Tim Howard’s left foot to be precise but I’m convinced the soul of Tim Howard resides in his legs… and also probably the souls of his many many victims.

78:56 Another save by Tim Howard’s Battlescarred Knuckles followed by the US driving down and almost scoring followed by Belgium driving all the way back down and almost scoring, I genuinely am sweating heavily as I watch this.

81:36 As much as I love my future first born Fabian, Yedlin has gone nuts since coming in, he’s practically auditioning for the US track and field team out there.

82:39 Matt Beasler’s Legs making a cameo appearance here with a nice save, it and Tim Howard’s Legs exchanging phone numbers for a meet up after the game.

83:40 Wondalowski (probably misspelled) just made the exact same move that Sunshine did in Remember the Titans, flipped some dude over his back and then popped up looking surprised the ref blew the whistle at him. I respect the move, man, but you just did judo on the guy! They will blow the whistle there.

85:20 Fellani just headed it out of bounce, we get treated to a nice slowmo shot of him pulling his alien-hair down over his eyes to give it a stern talking to. That man and his alien seem very far apart.

86:14 US corner kick… and nothing. Can we bring Tim Howard’s Legs up with us for those? Is that an option?

89:10 Yadlin just got caught WAY to far forward and Tim Howard’s Knuckles of Death are called upon to save the day. So many corner kicks for Belgium right now.

90:24 Fellani’s Alien Hair and Fellani are now at complete odds one with another. He just headed one ten feet over the goal, those two really need to come together for Belgium here.

91:28 Once again the US just trying to stay alive at this point. Wow Wandalowski (I’m spelling that different every time just for luck) had a great chance at goal there but JUST mistimed his kick and shot it way over the goal. SO close there as we actually use some stoppage time here.

93:10 and there we go. Extra time everybody. Crazy. Crazy stuff. I feel like if this thing goes our way it’s gonna have to be in PK’s where Tim Howard’s Body Parts of Wonder can save us.

90:00 It seems SUPER racist to say Belgium is bringing on “another horse” for overtime. Not a great start for the British commentator.

91:01 US actually held the ball for a full minute there even though Jones misses his shot.

92:06 Belgium drops one in past Tim Howards Legs. Well…. that’s not good. It was by the Belgian Red Headed step child so that’s something… but not much of something… at all. Well now we’ve GOT to score which is not a good position to be in for a team that hasn’t scored much. Still though… it’s never over till the obese lady sings.

94:00 Bradley just launched a free kick into the stratosphere… probably not our best note to start on there.

95:19 Yedlin WAY to far forward there, he had a nice cross on the offensive side but we just manage to avoid getting scored on there.

96:25 Tim Howard’s Meaty Palms make another save here as Belgium keeps the pressure on, oh the gradual fade into depression.

98:07 Pundits is an awesome word… I have no further comment or joke here… I’m too sad.

99:30 Good chance for the US there, SOOO close to bouncing in front of Dempsey for a great chance for a shot. Just can’t catch the break.

100:39 Great save by Tim Howard’s Beard and he looks for all the world like he was going to just sprint out of the box with the ball and throw it into the other goal! That is an angry, angry person.

102:00 Jermaine Jones just got slammed right in his already broken face by the ball. If nothing else we led the world cup in people with broken face bones.

103:44 I don’t even know what part of Tim Howard’s Body saved that ball… he just sort of had it.

104:33 Another goal for Belgium here on a counter attack… the guy just kissed the camera… ew… and we cut to that camera… on purpose. That does seems to shut the door on this one. Ew we’re cutting to it again!! In slo-mo!!! Ew. That’s terrible.

106:02 I realize it’s not over till the fat lady sings but at this point the fat lady is standing on stage, the spotlight is on her, and her mouth is open. Not a lot of questions to be asked here.

107:06 Klinsman just subbed in some kid named Green who is the youngest player ever to play for America. This is like at the end of your little league football games when they let the six year olds on the field to run around for no reason.

105: And there’s half time of extra time, on the plus side all we have to do is score the same amount of goals that they did in the first half, on the downside that’s hilariously unlikely.

106:20 Holy cow Julian Green just scored!! This is like the six year old marching up and promptly punching some 18 year old in the face and then developing mutant superpowers and reversing time to change the score. Also that was an awesome goal. Great volley. Well the fat lady is still standing on stage but she forgot that there’s a long orchestral prelude and she’s gonna have to stand awkwardly on stage for another 12 minutes before she sings.

109:31 I should have said that goal came off of an awesome chip by Michael Bradley. Credit to him for regaining his vision and remembering which team he was on.

110:18 TIM HOWARD’S LEGS. Someone by them a steak dinner. Two steak dinners. And a waxing.

111:00 Belgium stalling for time at this point… can’t blame them to much, only play they have really.

112:18 Great free kick chance for the US here… If Bradley still remembers where he actually is this could be awesome.

113:00 WOW!! I cannot live through much more of this! In the goal box bouncing around in there like a game of pinball!!! This is insane.

114:30 I don’t know what the commentator means when he says that if we’re losing we’re “doing it on our shield” but I agree with him 100 percent.

117:15 Belgium pretty much just sitting back and hoping we don’t score at this point and we are getting SO close, if a soccer game has ever resembled the last scene of Rocky this is it.

119:00 coming down to it here… mad stuff but starting to look like it was for nothing but awesomeness…

121:00 Well that’ll do it. What a game though… crazy stuff… SOOOO incredibly close… so close. Well thanks for suffering through all this with me guys, great game, horrible ending and of course the last crucial header was won by Fellani’s Alien Hair.

I’ll see you Thursday guys… I’m gonna go be sad for a little while.

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