Internet!! Just so we’re all on notice this is a new idea and I have ZERO idea if it will actually work but we’re gonna try it out and it might just be awesome!!! So for those of you who don’t know (most people with social lives) the NBA draft is tonight. This of course means every other sports writer on earth is gonna be doing something called a “mock draft” which is when they go through and try and predict when each person will be drafted. I, naturally, have no idea WHO most of these draft people are let alone when they will be drafted. What I do know though, is super-heroes, nerdy things, and the many wonderful applications of Bagel bites, so who better then me to do a draft of Super-heroes!!!! (yay) Here then, are some ground rules.
Rule 1: This is an individual super-hero draft, no drafting “The Avengers” which would be akin to drafting “the entire Kentucky Jayhawks” team… the Kentucky Jayhawks are a thing right? This rule does not include the X-men franchise as those movies have always and will always be ensembles.
Rule 2: Drafted super-heroes are based on their current active franchises. For instance drafting Spider-man means I have to take into account the fact that the Amazing Spiderman franchise is still ongoing. To put this in sports terms I have to take the college person as is, injuries, bad habits, broken foot bones, all that jazz (I promise I’m making mostly relevant sports references guys… I think.)
Rule 3: this is a top ten draft going from the number 1 pick most valuable to the number 10 pick least so. I will be judging value based on nothing but the box office success I think said franchise could have. I will probably be drafting some lesser known super-heroes towards the bottom but a huge part of makin’ money is brand recognition so the top movies (like it or not) are gonna be ones with recognizable heroes.
Umm… that’s all the rules I got for now… I’m sure I’ll make up some more later… and with no further ado…
First Annual Super-hero Draft
(also probably the last Annual Super Hero Draft)
1. Batman – I know, I know “Micah took Batman first, big surprise.” But let’s think about this: Batman just finished a beloved trilogy, you’re committed to Ben Affleck and this next Superman/Batman crossover nightmare but once that’s done you can either stick with Affleck or re-cast and then start up a new Trilogy and do your best to ignore the atomic blast of sludgy terribleness that is the Justice League thing. RUN from the Justice League, the best sports analogy for Justice League is if your star rookie likes to hang out with a group of friends who recreationaly juggle chainsaws while lit on fire. Run.
Batman though is the perfect example of everything you want out of this draft cause he’s relatively unconnected to a current franchise and is wide open for another new trilogy (the holy grail of comic book movies.) So yes I am heinously biased to Batman, but I also think he’s the CLEAR number one choice.
2. X-men – nothing to surprising here. The X-men are just all about the consistency, years have come and gone, super-heroes have risen and fallen, but the X-men endure with all the healy powerness of Wolverine. Sure X-men: Origins and X-men: The Last Stand were HORRIBLE movies, but ya know what? It didn’t matter. At all. The X-men just keep plugging along.
3. Superman – I am widely regarded for my utter hatred of Superman but even I cannot deny the fact that Superman movies make them some money. People love Superman… for reasons. Sure you just released a movie that was the cinematic equivalent of eating a piece of cardboard covered in A1 Bland Sauce. Sure you’re tied to the director of said Bland Sauce movie AND you’re the lead anchor in the massive death anchor that is the Justice League but you’re still making Superman movies. People pay to watch superman movies. You could make a live action movie with the role of Superman being played by a deranged killer manatee and people would still pay ten dollars to see it!! In fact, people would pay 12 dollars to see it in 3D so they could better appreciate the rolls of manatee fat! People would do that because people watch Superman movies. For no reason.
4. Spiderman – the last of the “big four” here. The reason Spiderman is the last to go is fairly simple: re-boot. Batman is ready for a second trilogy in a few years, X-men it really doesn’t matter, Superman people just keep lining up to watch cause they don’t know what else to do with their money, but Spiderman is on his second reboot in just a tiny bit over a decade. All you really have coming from Spiderman is the last entry in the current trilogy and then it’s time for a LOOOONGGG Spider-nap. So you want to get Spiderman, I’d still take his franchise over any of the other ones below it but I’m thinking long LOOONNNGGG term here and losing out on the immediate money of the top 3.
All right, so thus far we’ve been fairly obvious in our choice of heroes. The Big Four are fairly firmly entrenched and the only real question was which order they were going to go in. Now though things get interesting, lesser known heroes or major heroes who have been gone for a while are great but the questions we’re asking here are “will people be interested enough to find out about this hero?” and “can I make a trilogy?” the holy grail of comic book movies as previously discussed.
5. Dr. Strange – A Dr. Strange movie is currently in the works from Marvel and I am SHOCKED that they haven’t already made one. There are a ton of great Dr. Strange characters, villains, and comics and he’s at least somewhat known and could bring people into the theater. Casting a good actor and avoiding the “creepy old person flinging magic around” look are gonna be essential but there’s a HUGE opportunity here.
I mean, what was the last good magic-centered movie? The Sorceror’s Apprentice? That movie did pretty well for itself and it starred Nic Cage and had no comic book universe to build on. It’s not a sure thing and a HUGE part of it is gonna be choosing the right person to play Dr. Strange (here’s a hint: NOT Nic Cage) but you could have some gold on your hands here!
6. Swamp Thing – A somewhat little known comic book series that had its heyday back in the 90’s, Swamp Thing is not your typical Super-hero fare in that the Hero is not a dashing Human with blue eyes and pecs like fields of Barley. He is (in fact) a huge scaly/plant covered death monster. Swamp Thing gives you a chance to organically (Read: not jammed together in a movie that makes no sense *cough* Batman Five Superman: Dawn of Justice *cough*) some of DC’s other super heroes while simultaneously exploring a hero that has a little bit more to him then “boy it’s inconvenient to have super powers AND be this good looking.” Once again here, you’re not looking at a guaranteed blockbuster, but if you build the world right this could be a long term success.
7. Wonderwoman – I’m sure I’m gonna take some flack for her falling this far down the list but honestly Wonderwoman isn’t in a great place right now. She’s committed to the Justice League movie (bleh) and has just in the last few years had a couple TV shows shot down. Plus (in my opinion) she kind of suffers from a rather “meh” bunch of powers and no really great villains or stories to build from. You could probably get a good amount of money from a Wonderwoman movie but I don’t know if there’s enough story with her for a trilogy. I know, I know there aren’t any good girl superheroes but hang on a sec okay?
8. Oracle – Yep, this is it. This is my female super-hero of awesome pick. For those of you who don’t know (most of you) Oracle is Batgirl after Batgirl gets shot in the spine and stops being a super hero to instead become a world class hacker/information person. A huge break off from the typical super-hero fare, Oracle becomes an awesome spy/espionage/heist story with a strong female character surrounded by an interesting cast of heroes and rogues. I could make a trilogy out of this and it would be AWESOME. The only reason it ranked this low was pure brand recognition, no one really knows who she is and it would take some work to get people to come out and see it.
9. Hulk – Okay, here’s the thing. I’m all about a Hulk stand alone movie but that’s all we’re getting here. There’s no big over-arching Hulk movie storyline. You could get away with one awesome Hulk movie where a big green guy just smashes a lot of other less Hulky people and probably get some cash, but that’s pretty much it. That’s the party. No seconds. No soup… for you.
10. Moon Knight – This is a tricky one, I gave strong thought to just going with Black Widow here and getting another quick “we could make a stand alone movie and that would be it” but why not go for something differenent and hope to strike it rich with a trilogy. Moon Knight (aside from the dumb name that we would have to try and do something with) is a fairly interesting character. There’s a lot of Egyptian mythology and early on the main heroes psyche splits into several different parts giving him CRAZY associative identity disorder which makes for some interesting internal struggles as well. It’s a long shot, but at number 10 I’ll take a long shot over something more established.
And there you have it friends!! The Super-hero draft no one asked for!!! What’d you think? I actually sorta liked it more then I thought I would and thusly will (perhaps) come up with some more drafts to do in the future! That done I shall simply say, farewell to you all and wish you a happy weekend.