Retro-review: Oklahoma

Posted: June 23, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

Well friends, as I lay here slowly recovering from a punch to the stomach (metaphorically because of the World Cup game, and literally because of something I said to my wife) I begin to ponder what I should write about. I haven’t really gotten to the theater to see any new movies and have now talked about literally ALL of the games I’m interested in for the next 6 months or so (both of them)… so yeah… no idea. At times like this I must cast my eyes to the  heavens and wait for fate to open the gate, one can’t be late for fates gate after all.

And so now I hear the first faint whispers of that cruel mistress and in those whispers I hear: “Well Micah what classic musical have you not ripped apart using sarcasm and ignorant bile, you cold hearted self-talking person you?”

And the answer to that somewhat unnecessarily cruelly worded question floats up to me out of the darknes:

Pictured: an entirely accurate ratio of the man to corn ration in Oklahoma.

Pictured: an entirely accurate ratio of the man to livestock ration in Oklahoma.

Micah Retro Reviews: Oklahoma

Ah Oklahoma, where the wind comes rushing down the plain (ha ha seriously though I won’t make any more song jokes I promise (Editor’s note: he totally will)) but is it all or nothing with this movie (okay, that’s the last one (Editor’s note: nope)) or is this just one of those films you just can’t say no to? (editor’s note: facepalm)

The Plot: Based on the paragraph above (in which I stuffed three separate song references) you may think I have actually researched this movie, but if you think that, you have obviously not been coming to this site very long. In fact, those are literally the only lines I remember from this entire movie! I do not (in further news) remember any of the characters names… and so I will have to do some actual work and find that out… Ha ha ha ha… oh man… No, I kid. I will (of course) make them up.

So, the story (as best I can recall) opens with a woman who we will call… Dixie  wanting to go to a ball or a barn raising, or a corn shucking?? Some sort of Oklahoma party. And she doesn’t like (or pretends she doesn’t like) handsome cowboy man who I will call… Tex…lahoma. So Dixie and Texlahoma have some conversations about some things and Dixie says that she’s going to the ball/barn raising/community grass chewing contest with her local handyman who is called Jud Fry (yes that is his actualy name, I know it, cause there is a song.) And then a bunch of women hang out in their underwear (not the sort of underwear your thinking guys, this underwear basically equates to the average outfit of an Alaskan inuit in the dead of winter) and singing about how much they don’t need men at all, before basically spending the entire rest of the movie DESPERATELY trying to get a date. So anyway, Dixie and Texlahoma decide to go the dance/spitting contest together and he drives her off in a surrey (think wagon) with a fringe (basically leftover bits from your grandmas knitting) on top.

That fringe is a wonderful early example of a pinterest project gone horribly awry.

That fringe is a wonderful early example of a pinterest project gone horribly awry.

I seem to recall that at some point Dixie takes some drugs? And then takes a nap and has an IMMENSELY creepy dream featuring women in RIDICULOUS hats and some kind of saloon in the sky and a tornado and possibly the Wicked Witch of the West… though, admittanly, that last one seems unlikely.

When describing the plot of Oklahoma people struggle to explain the "drug induced fever saloon" section.

When describing the plot of Oklahoma people struggle to explain the “drug induced fever saloon” section.

Then at the actual party/paint drying spectations, there is some sort of basket raffle… thing… and then Texlahoma and Dixie get married (which somehow relates to the basket?? maybe)?? and then someone lights something on fire and Jed dies. Though it is (in typical musical fashion) not Texlahoma’s fault despite his (completely coincidentally) being in a fight with Jed at the time of his death. It’s also worth noting that he sang an entire song earlier in the film about how wonderful it would be if Jud happened to die but I’m sure we can chalk that up to a crazy coincidence.

There’s also some weird side story about a girl who “can’t say no” and a guy who “is an idiot” but I forget everything about that except for that I hated her.

And that’s pretty much the plot of Oklahoma… I think.

In Conclusion:

As usual I’m not subjecting this classic musical to my scoring system (made up and completely arbitrary as it is.) Oklahoma is a classic and you should watch it. That said it is certainly one of the weirder classic musicals and features a lot of people attempting to do southern accents who (quite potentially) do not know where the South is. But hey, if we can’t get behind two people arguing a lot, buying a basket, and then getting married for entirely unclear reasons what can we get behind??

Thanks for reading guys, check back Thursday for… something… that I do not yet know.

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