Posted: June 12, 2014 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

Well hey Internet, how’s dancing??… Yeah that’s not gonna be a thing… Anyway, brace yourself Internet because today will feature a feat so fantastic that all featured feats featured before will feel feeble! I, on this day, will write about exactly what I said I would write about! That’s right ladies and gentleman, it’s time for:

Micah Reviews: Godzilla

Godzilla: King of Monsters and all around decent fellow enjoys long walks on the beach, short walks over buildings, and tearing heads off of giant death monsters. Godzilla’s been around for a VERY long time and after an absence of more than ten years (from the movie theater anyway) Godzilla has taken a firm kick with the re-boot and now is blitzing movie theaters everywhere once more. But is this a monster we should have brought back? Or should we have left this particular lizzard in the bottom of the sea?

The plot: Godzilla opens in 1999… the movie does, not the monster… wow that’s gonna get confusing… if only there was some rule of grammar or something to help out here.

Anyway, “Godzilla” opens in 1999 when a bunch of scientist discovering a sciency thing in a hole. We then jump to another place in 1999 where, for COMPLETELY unrelated science reasons, a nuclear plant explodes.

Fast forward ten years or so we meet our hero John Soldierperson. That is, of course, not his actual name but as with every human character in this movie: that does not matter at all. John Soldierperson and Dad Crazyperson meet up with Scientist ThoroughlyJapaneseperson and as they do a huge deathmonster pops into existence. A deathmonster who promptly flys away looking for its wife Ladydeathmonster and a nice place to settle down and raise a family. Unfortunately for Mr. and Mrs. Deathmonster, Godzilla (the deathliest of death monsters) pops up out of the ocean and starts chasing them down. In the meantime, people are doing some things that do not work.

I'm fairly certain both of these people were, for various reasons, in the movie. Beyond that... I got nothing.

I’m fairly certain both of these people were, for various reasons, in the movie. Beyond that… I got nothing.

I’m not going to lie to you, Internet: as I was watching this movie something short circuited in the theater and I missed about ten minutes of it. Fortunately (as far as I could tell) nothing of ANY importance happened in those ten minutes. Nothing.

The Pros:

Godzilla.  He breaks stuff.

The supporting cast here is (for the most part) pretty solid. They don’t necessarily have a ton to do other than “be afraid of that monster” but they do it well enough I suppose.

Another point here for raw Godzilla awesome. He breaks stuff.

The Negatrons: 

Some criminal lack of observancy in this movie: soldiers hang out with two giant monster eggs for a while without thinking “man I wonder where that huge path through the jungle came from” and (in my favorite example) a giant 300 foot monster blows out the side of a mountain, and gets halfway across the desert to Las Vegas before anyone INSIDE THE FACILITY, notices.

In keeping with the intelligence of the other movies characters, no one on this bridge actually saw Godzilla.

In keeping with the intelligence of the other movies characters, no one on this bridge actually saw Godzilla.

The script isn’t bad necessarily it just doesn’t actually… do anything. The humans try multiple times to stop the various Deathmonsters but they all (for various reasons that boil down to: humans suck) fail miserably. So in the end the script, just boils down to a couple failed attampts to stop things that we can’t stop.

Another thing that should be mentioned here (and this is slightly spoilery so if you’re REALLY concerned about not knowing about various EXTREMELY obvious plot twists stop here) is that all throughout the movie we’re told that Godzilla is hunting the other monsters and not humans but it’s never really explained why that happens. Godzilla is “the alpha predator” “restoring balance” but no one tells us why… or how he got that job. How does know what the Balance is? Is there a chart? What kind of pay does an Alpha Predator get? Is there health coverage?

In conclusion:

It may not seem like it but I actually enjoyed Godzilla… I mean, “Godzilla.” It wasn’t some big epic story of love and survival and stuff but it’s not necessarily a bad story. And the Godzilla portions are genuinely awesome. It’s a good movie for what it is, and it doesn’t try to be more then what it is and I can appreciate that.

I honestly had a lot of trouble coming up with a rating for this one… My wife asked me how I thought it compared with Man of Steel and honestly I felt pretty much the exact same way about both. They’re both decent movies when compared with movies in general, but actually a pretty good movie when compared with other movies in its own genre. Man of Steel was good for a Superman movie, and “Godzilla” is good for a monster movie.

And thus in similar fashion I hereby give “Godzilla” three quotation marks out of 5.

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