Top 5 Bottom 5: The X-men

Posted: June 2, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hey guys, so, I’m sorry about last week. I was moving and there was general chaos and confusary and my post about packing (readable here)  is still one hundred percent applicable. Regardless of my own apologies for my hilarious lack of professionalism, let’s get to my ridiculous lack of journalistic integrity and how I’ll pretty much write about anything. A couple people chimed in on e-mail about a definitive ranking of the best x-men and I (in response to this) have decided to write about the best and WORST x-men become it’s much more fun to be negative (as we all know.) So here you go internet: what you asked for, more then what you asked for, and yet (probably) significantly less then you hoped for!!

(My usual disclaimer applies here: I’m just talking movies, as this is a movie site and all…)

Let’s start with some positivity though shall we? Some sweet awesomeness from the sweet awesome world of X-men films.

5. Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler is a great option here and would have been much higher on the list if you watched the first ten minutes of X2 and then turned off your TV. For the rest of the movie he mostly just sits around and talks about how sorry he is for being awesome in the first ten minutes. So 10 points for being awesome, minus four points for apologizing about how awesome you are just because you murdered some people. Come on Nightcrawler.

Nightcrawler because the only thing that can get in the way of awesome teleporty sweetness... is a sensitive conscience.

Nightcrawler because the only thing that can get in the way of awesome teleporty sweetness… is a sensitive conscience.

4. Professor X

I can practically hear the fans of X-men freaking out and throwing commemorative plates at the screen here due to Professor X dropping to four, but the whole thing with Professor X is he’s just telepathic. That’s it. I mean it’s not that he’s not powerful, it’s just that he’s not super impressive when using his powers. He just thinks at people and then those people think back at him the same thoughts he was thinking. It’s cool and unquestionably powerful but you’re not (for instance) stabbing someone to death with long pointy death claws.

3. Lady Deathstrike

And speaking of stabbing to death with long pointy things, ladies and gentleman, it’s Lady Deathstrike!! Or (as we could call her) Hot Wolverine. But ya know what? I’m okay with Hot Wolverine. I’m glad to live in a world where Hot Wolverine is a thing. So thank you, World. Thank you.

Hot Wolverine. Thank you X-men.

Hot Wolverine. Thank you X-men.

2. Magneto

And taking a strong turn from Hot Wolverine to old Magneto we have: Magneto. Magneto is awesome pretty much in every way imaginable…  ya know except for the whole “raging murderer, speciest” thing. Power wise though he’s awesome and played by fairly awesome people. His power is cool and different from your standard telepath, super-strength, etc. listing, he does awesome stuff with a clearly drawn limit to his powers and that is the sweetness.

1. Wolverine

But the sweet sweetness (of course) goes to Wolverine. As it always must. Great powers, awesome claws, and a generally cranky disposition all add up to making Wolverine pretty much as good as it gets. You’re welcome world.

And now the down side. The horrible ying to the wonderful yang. The chich to the chong, the bada-bing to the bada-bong… or something. The worst five.

5. Jean Grey

I realize that Jean is all awesome and stuff in the comic books and I’m sure four people just stopped coming to this website forever but let’s be honest: She ranged from superbly incredibly annoying to superbly incredibly annoyingly evil. Jean Grey is a prime example of what happens when you try too hard. At first they tried too hard to make her mysteriously sexy and then they tried too hard to make her evil and it never for a moment even kind of worked. I’m as much a fan of telekinesis as anyone but the horribleness of Jean Grey’s character (and her apparent lack of ability to actually use her power in the first two movies) earn her the dubious honor of spot number 5.

4. Angel

One of several random characters from X-men 3 that could make this list Angel makes the cut not only for being a terrible poorly fleshed out character thrown into the movie for reasons that were never clear (there were about twenty of those in the movie.) No what pushed Angel over the top was his largely unimpressive list of superpowers. Here follows the list: wings. That’s the list.  Pardon me while I remain underwhelmed.

Yup. Someone looked at this and though: No we could put that in an x-men movie.

Yup. Someone looked at this and though: No we could put that in an x-men movie.

3. The Dragonfly

Another winged person but while this one is decidedly more attractive than the last one she also brings to the table a little thing called: the ability to spit mucus. Yup. X-men power: the spitting of mucus. And this at one point was thought to be a good idea…

2. Agent Zero

The sad thing about Agent Zero (a largely pointless character from Wolverine: Origins… ironically a lot like the movie itself) the sad thing is that his powers make for an interesting comic book character. But in the movie (which once again is what we’re talking about) he just came off as “that guy who’s super accurate.” That’s barely even a super-power so much as it is a skill. You put “super accurate” on a resume but not on your list of mutant powers.

1. Cyclops

Yup. You knew it was coming. Here’s the thing: eye laser beams is a great idea for comic book art. But it’s not really a great idea as far as “interesting things are going to happen with these powers.” Interesting powers provide you with multiple solutions or inherent drawbacks laser vision just involves… lasery vision. Plus (as is the case with Jean Grey) Cyclops’ inherent horrible jerkiness and general penchant for whining erase any chance he ever had at any goodness.

Well there you go guys! A definitive list that no one will agree with!! You’re welcome. See you thursday!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s