Micah’s History of Everything: The Founding of America

Posted: May 19, 2014 by Micah in A History of Everything
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Oh America, as I stand here this night and look out upon the vast rolling fields of my darkened bedroom; as my eyes fall upon the rolling mountains and deep valleys of my pajama pants, I am moved to compose heretofore and ne’er to wit, a blog post for you. Specifically a blog post about how we came to be here, what we came to do, and how we started various made up holidays so we could lounge about on you for mostly no reason.

The Founding of America

As many people know America was discovered many many years ago by a Viking who was probably named Leif Ericson… which is not a very viking sounding name is it? We need some history revision here… and we shall now call him… Punch- Face the Hornhatted. That’s much more authentic. So, Punchface the Hornhatted the Second discovered America!!! Well… technically he discovered Canada… so really who cares. No one. Not even other Vikings really, Punch-face returned to his Viking cohorts filled with stories of Canada’s natural beauty, and beavers, and how they pronounced things all funny and the Vikings cared not a feather nor a fig for any of it. And they didn’t even know what figs were!!

Vikings were mostly disappointed in Canada's lack of British houses to light on fire.

Vikings were mostly disappointed in Canada’s lack of British housing to light on fire.

Years later, Christopher Columbus discovered America!!! Well… he actually discovered the Virgin islands… and thought he was in India… for reasons. So basically Columbus was just a super confused Portugesan person who happened to crash into some islands and name them something inaccurate.

All of that aside though: somebody discovered America, and when they discovered America they also discovered some other people who were already living there and had (in fact) discovered it before they did… by a few thousand years. But we call it discovered anyway and once we had discovered it we sent some people over there to live on it! Those people bravely spent months in ships, traveling over rough seas, with no dinner options, and nothing on TV but Gilmore Girls re-runs and when they arrived in America they were so very grateful to find a new land, a new home, and a new opportunity that they promptly threw up all over it. But America didn’t mind, America understood that ships of that era were about as smooth and relaxing as the mental state of Miley Cyrus and thus allowed the colonists to live upon it anyway, and (in a great show of forgiveness) only froze most of them to death in the winter.

Once they were done freezing to death the surviving colonists (both of them) discovered the local and previously misnamed inhabitants, the Indians. The Indians were a large and diverse group who alternatively helped the colonists grow valuable crops that ensured their survival (kind of) or murdered them and lit them on fire. The colonists meanwhile fluctuated between thanking the Indians profusely for their help, and taking their land in small increments until finally just trading in the whole thing for some land in Utah and a few professional mascots.

“No really,” the colonists would say as they signed lavish land deals. “Everyone will love the Cleveland Indians, you can’t miss out on this opportunity!! If you don’t go for it teams will have just pick random colors to name themselves after, like (for instance) brown or something.”

The Pilgrims also tried to sell the Indians something called a "Johnny Manziel" but the Indians thought he was probably over-hyped.

The Pilgrims also tried to sell the Indians something called a “Johnny Manziel” but the Indians thought he was probably over-hyped.

But life in the colonies wasn’t all fun, games and making fun of Cleveland sports franchises. No no no, life was hard for colonists. They had to contend with harsh winters, meager food rations, and utterly ridiculous headwear for many years before finally being able to settle down, put their feet up in front of a roaring fire, and realize their house was being burnt by disgruntles Indians fans… or Indians, depending on where they lived. But eventually they founded this great country and then (in a daring middle of the night heist) stole it from the British who were not paying attention at the time due to a lengthy nil-nil soccer match (quite possibly still going on to this day), but that is another chapter in history for another day in history… that is not today in history.

The only really notable thing that happened today in history is that Henry the 8th beheaded his wife but really that happened pretty much all the time. The most notable days in history are days when Henry the 8th DIDN’T behead his wife (or various lightweight wife substitutes.) I hold an annual party every year called “Henry the 8th didn’t callously behead someone today” parties and everyone dresses up as people with heads and it’s just a grand old time at the grand old opery.

But we seem to have been sidetracked. Somehow.

And I shall now just hop off the track and carry on home. Hail America, and farewell.

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