Internet!! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Summer Questions!! A time to look at our future, ponder where the road ahead will lead us, and then for me to make some weird jokes about it before leaving it alone entirely. Ready. Set. Go.

Question Number 1: What on Earth is “Edge of Tomorrow” actually about?

Edge of Tomorrow is a Tom Cruise movie in which Tom Cruise dies a lot (promising news) and then gets brought back to life the next day and dies again (the party never stops.) It seems that humanity is at war with some sort of time-jumpy aliens or robots or… evil chickens… potentially. And some of that evil chicken time jumping juice got on Tom Cruise and now we’re here. This is the stuff that I know, and as you may have gathered it is not a lot of stuff. The thing is as much as I dislike Tom Cruise (I really do) he’s kind of on a roll right now. I mean: Oblivion, Jack Reacher, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol these were all kind of awesome. So who am I to condemn old Tiny Tom just for being in a movie with a plot that sounds like the most confusing thing since he was singing things in Rock of Ages? This movie could be good!! Chickens could be from the future!! I have no idea what’s going on.

Wait, what chickens??

Wait, what chickens??

Question Number 2: Can “How to Train Your Dragon 2” top the original?

Probably not. It’s been like… seven years since the first How to Train Your Dragon movie and at this point do we really care what’s going on with the Dragon and the little one legged Viking?… Okay well when you put it that way I care a little bit. Curse you adorable one legged viking…

Question Number 3: On a scale of one to stupid how bad will “Transformers: Age of Extinction” be?

Really stupid. I believed for a long time in Transformers cause the first one was so surprisingly good. Even when the second one was terrible and horrible and awful I still thought maybe the third one would be better… and then it was worse… So now Michael Bay has decided to solve the problems from his last movie (those problems being: THE WHOLE FILM) by adding in a whole new cast of horrible characters and Robo Dinosaurs. That’s right, the solution to Bay’s problems of having a world so hilariously unbelievable a small group of soldiers survived the collapse of building while IN THE BUILDING!!! Was to add in robo-dinosaurs.

Question Number 4: How many monkeys does it take to make “Dawn of Planet of the Apes?”

I have no idea what happened to this question. I was writing along and all the sudden everything rhymed and the question didn’t really make a lot of sense. Anyway, the answer to the question is (of course) zero. Zero monkeys. It does however take an awesome performance by Andy Serkis and a potentially awesome performance by Gary Oldman. I was very pleasantly surprised by the first Apes movie and hey I’m always up for a pleasant surprise! Like cookies at midnight, pancakes at first light, and dancing in the moonlight.

"They call me... Mr. Ape."

“They call me… Mr. Ape.”

Question Number 5: Will “Jupiter Ascending” be weird and awesome or just entirely weird?

Jupiter Ascending is the latest movies from the Wachowskis (or however you spell that name) the people behind the original Matrix (great movie) and both the other Matrix’s (mostly terrible movies) also V for Vendetta (yay) and Atlas Rising (boo) all of these movies were very strange. Some were awesome. Some were horrible. All were weird. So the fact that Jupiter Ascending is about some sort of exiled princess being protected by an interstellar space soldier with rocket boots and a light-shield shouldn’t really come as any surprise. It’s gonna be weird and it’s gonna star Channing Tatum whose gravelly brick like face should (and will) remind us all of Keanu Reeves what with its complete lack of expression and all. We’ll just have to see what happens with this one, it could be great it could be terrible. At the moment I am leaning towards it being good but it really could go either way.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Question Number 6: Can Dwayne Johnson’s “Hercules” be better than “The Legend of Hercules?”

Let’s be clear on one thing: it is practically impossible that this movie is worse than Legend of Hercules. It’s not to say that this particular Hercules will be good, It’s just to say that the last one was really really bad. Wondering if this Hercules will be better than the last one is like wondering if a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich is going to be a better lunch option than the jar of radioactive dirt you had yesterday. If we’ve learned anything about Dwayne the Rock (please don’t call me the Rock) Johnson it’s that he can be relied on to give us a moderately generic somewhat enjoyable action movie. And even by meeting those hilariously un-lofty standards he will kick the butt of all the other Herculi (which I’m pretty sure is the plural of Hercules.)

So there you go guys! More questions, more answers, and more masculine! I’ve still got enough questions for one more of these bad boys so tune on back in next week and we’ll knock those out! Thanks for reading!!

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