On having babies

Posted: March 17, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

So I have some friends who are having babies. Most of them just singular. Singular babies that is. Multiple friends, single babies. Which isn’t so say that babies are single… though they are. Unless those babies sitting in their little baby room are all getting their games on. Which seems unlikely. This isn’t going super well thus far huh?  (Editor’s note: this is Micah we’re talking about guys. Just so you’re all aware it’ only goes downhill from here.)

Cause nothing says "welcome to the world" like a pig hat and mittens.

Cause nothing says “welcome to the world” like a pig ear hat and mittens.

Having babies is an integral part of humanity for, what I consider to be, fairly obvious reasons. How babies are made is a wonderful question that many children have asked many adults for many years and it is something that I (using years of blogging experience) will completely ignore.

The birthing process is a beautiful miracle of nature. Wherein a mother, through hours of terrible bodily pain and unimaginable physical agony, gives birth to something that will spend the rest of his/her life probably causing her terrible psychic pain and unimaginable emotional agony. As I said though, the birthing process is an incredible miracle and it is a miracle that today, in this article: I will also completely ignore.

What I’m actually going to talk about today is the role of the father. A role that is vital, important, and far FAR less painful/scarring/awkward than any other part of the process.

Micah’s Six Tips for Fathers

Men, this is the scariest place you will ever go.

Men, this is the scariest place you will ever go.

It may surprise you to know that I have no sort of film degree at all, it may not surprise you to know that I have no writing degree at all (given that I have all the grammatical savvy of a dead panda.) As such me writing about something that I am in no way qualified for is nothing new for this blog, but just so you all know: I am in no way qualified to write this blog.

And here we go.

Tip 1: You are VITAL to this process… sort of.

Every father knows that he is an important part of the birthing process. We watch movies and mothers yell at their husbands that they “Weren’t even there for the birth of our child!!!” usually before flinging something heavy at them. The thing is, this process is going to happen whether or not the father is there. Saying a father is “vital” to the birthing process is like saying a baseball hat is vital to the game of baseball (13 days to opening day!!!) It’s nice to have a hat, it makes things VERY slightly easier but a hat is not at all vital to the game of baseball. A lot of people compare men to cheerleaders, but I feel like that’s giving men a lot of credit. Cheerleaders are at least distracting and (when there’s nothing going on in the football game) you can cut to a cheerleader doing some sort of airborn spinny thing. Men aren’t good for that. When your contraction stops and gives you a half a minute to not be in terrible pain the man doesn’t break into some elaborate song and dance routine. Nope. He just stands there being mildly reassuring and keeping the sweat from dripping down your face… like a hat.

Tip 2: You have nothing important to say.

The reason people make the whole cheerleaders/father comparison is that both stand around and say things that everyone in the room/field is already doing. Cheerleaders yell things like: “Go team” “D-fence” and “this smile is purely for the cameras, I’ve never felt so miserable and I’m actually just doing this to put myself through medical school.” The players on the field (aside from the last one) are already doing those things. They don’t stand on the field waiting for the cheerleaders to say go or to tell them to play defense. They would be doing those things regardless. Similarly, men in hospitals say things like “breathe” and “push” which are both things that the woman is already doing. You being there is important, but I’m pretty sure medical professionals invented the whole “breathe” thing just so men wouldn’t feel the need to freestyle it. As obnoxious as “breathe” is it’s not as bad as the things men usually say in such situations like: “it’s not that bad” or “it’s okay honey this is just like that time I sprained my ankle” or “anyone feel like splitting the cost of a pizza?” Speaking of that second one…

Tip 3: At no point in the pregnancy should you EVER relate anything you have done to being pregnant.

I don’t care if a bull gorilla broke both of your femurs, loaded you into a cannon, and shot you into a beached whale. It was not as bad as pregnancy. Nope. It wasn’t. Just stop. You’re trying to argue with me here, guys. You’re saying to yourself: “yeah but when I got hit by that commercial airliner it was pretty painful.” That does not matter. If you want to live, if you hope to at any point be looked on with love by your wife do NOT compare anything that you have ever done to anything your wife is going through. Step off the landmine. Right now.

Tip 4: It’s very important to have a support structure.

You need someone you can call and talk to guys. Cause if there’s anything not understanding needs it’s someone else who probably doesn’t understand. Men are fully aware that we have no chance at grasping a woman’s mind at any point in our lives, but the mind of a women with another tiny (potentially also a woman) mind slowly forming inside of her??? That’s like taking the three blind mice, dropping them in a maze, and then launching that maze into space. So at least this way you’ll have someone to agree with you that they have no idea what’s going on. As many philosophers have said “in the absence of any helpful advice, shared confusion is at least something.”

Tip 5: This is the most food you will ever get to eat without feeling guilty.

Your wife is now doing something called: eating for two.  This will give you the chance to do something called: keeping her company. The rest of your life your wife will encourage you to do things like, watch what you eat, don’t have seconds, or not eat that much ice cream. But when she is pregnant she will want to eat anything that’s not actively nailed down to something and so will not care at all what you eat. Then, post pregnancy, you can continue to support your wife as she does something called “shedding her pregnancy weight” and you do something called “not being such a fatty fat fatterson.”

Tip 6: The best thing you can do is be there.

You’re gonna be tempted guys to try and make this a big thing. To make some big speech about endurance, and true beauty and how there may come a day when the world of men crumbles but it is NOT THIS DAY!!!!… or something. Honestly though, the most important thing you can do is just be there with your wife and be the guy in the room who loves her. That sounds stupid and somewhat useless but (if we’re being honest) you are both of those things, so why not do both of those things AND love your wife as much as you can? Thus it is, that I present the one thing I can say with authority: if you just love your wife and encourage her as best you can, you will probably not be killed by her in a fit of pregnant rage… probably.

And there you have it guys, come back in on Thursday for more movie related bloggery and less pregnancy talk!!

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