Well hey there interfriends and welcome to another interday here on the internet… yeah I’m never typing that again. It sounded like a good idea in my head though and I feel like if I’ve learned anything from the past two years running this site it’s that if something sounds good in my head I should probably write it down and then be too lazy to erase it. Regardless of that though, here we stand on the sunny plateau of another weekend and I feel like now is the perfect time to go ahead and take a look back at this last week’s box office and see what we can glean from its mean green numbers machine!
10. Winter’s Tale
Slipping in at number 10 like the last oozy drop out of a used fry pan we have: Winter’s Tale. A movie that actually looked mildly interesting in its trailers “Winter’s Tale” is nothing if not a script that was hilariously inadequate to the book it is based on. The visuals are nice and the overall story is sweeping but like a piñata filled with empty candy wrappers and prescription anti-depressents there’s just not much going on inside the characters here.
9. Endless Love
Speaking of movies with not a lot going on here’s a mindless love story that chose to advertise itself by making the main character say “I know I’m not good enough for you, but I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that I am.” In all the trailers. You realize that in one way or another you’re saying that your main character is an idiot right? I mean if I said to you “I know I can’t get an “A” in Miss Haberdashers “Baking with Bare Bear Beards” class but I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying.” Either A: I’m going to waste the rest of my life trying to do something I can’t do and thus probably end hating my existence, myself, and that class. Or B: I will get an A in the class and thus be wrong about my supposed “unable to get an A” status. Now, I’m not saying the line is the worst line ever, I’m just saying I feel like that’s not exactly the line I would try and convince people to come and see my movie with. I mean if the best line from your movie is one that makes your lead character sound like an idiot, what are the rest of your lines like? Why should I come watch your movie if the TRAILER for your movie is poorly written, non-sensical, brain-dribble? The answer: I should not.
Yup, 14 weeks from its release and Frozen is still in the top ten!! Ya know what the next longest release time in the top ten is? That would be 6 weeks. Not only is Frozen still doing well in theaters but it just came out on DVD. If a movie stays in the top ten five weeks the makers of it throw a huge party and ride around on their desk chairs wearing football helmets and drinking Yoohoo from the bottle. At 14 weeks I’m fairly sure the makers of Frozen are locked in their offices, laying under their desks in a fetal position, and humming happily to themselves. I’d say something witty about Disney taking over the world here but the time for joking about that is past. The time for cozying up to them in the hopes of being allowed to live in Disney’s Magical New World Order? That time is now.
7. Ride Along
A comedy about a guy and another guy in a police car, this is the movie that’s been around 6 weeks and while it hasn’t gotten super good reviews it’s still around so I’m assuming there’s something redeemable here. It’s also the only straight comedy on this list so if you’re in the mood for that this is pretty much your only hope…. Obi-Wan Kenobi (sorry, it couldn’t be helped.)
6. About Last Night
I have no idea what this movie is about, other then (I assume) last night… hang on. “A modern reimagining of the classic romantic comedy, this contemporary version closely follows new love for two couples as they journey from the bar to the bedroom and are eventually put to the test in the real world.” There. Summery=done. That said nothing gets me as excited as the phrase “re-imagining of the classic romantic comedy” so I will (with all due respect) stop caring at all about this movie… now.
5. The Monuments Men
George Clooney’s latest venture into ensemble movies, Monuments Men seemed to have a lot going for it. Great cast, interesting storyline, and who doesn’t like a chance to root against Nazi’s? That said the story and overall pretentiousness of Monuments Men bogs down it’s stellar cast and while it’s by no means a terrible movie it certainly doesn’t live up to the lofty expectations set by George Clooney’s mustache.
Hey look everyone, it’s a remake no one asked for or wanted!! Yay… RoboCop has met with almost universal indifference from reviewers and as such I haven’t bothered to go watch it yet. I’ll probably watch it in a few months when it comes out on DVD and I’m driving by a Redbox thinking “Meh… I’ve got a couple hours to drone away and could stand to watch a Robot-man shoot things” but with all due respect to the makers of this film (the amount of due respect being roughly equivalent to the amount of respect I have for… a dandelion) I am not paying you ten dollars to watch a movie I have already seen with slightly better visuals and a less dorky looking suit.
Like Titanic but with more loin clothes, Pompeii dares to tell you a story about a bunch of people who are going to die horribly! There’s some sort of Gladiator and Princess love story that goes down in here but frankly there’s not much to this movie other than a chance to watch stuff get hit by lava. And that, fair friends, is what the discovery channel is for.
2. 3 Days to Kill
Tee-hee… Kevin Costner as a spy. As hard a time as I have taking Costner seriously playing an action hero… or really at all. The reviews I have read have mostly said that the action in this movie is pretty good. Granted the rest of the movie is about as stale and uninviting as four week old bread sitting on the back of a hungry hippo but hey: action sequences!! There’s some weird thing with Costner and Costner’s daughter that goes on in here but frankly my care-o-meter has already dropped through the floor and is bouncing carelessly through the streets behind me so I’m just gonna stop thinking about this movie.
1. The Lego Movie
Celebrating its 3rd week at the top of the box office and a whopping 96 percent approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com, The Lego Movie continues to make critics make weird references to “Everything Being Awesome,” for some reason. No, I have not seen this yet but before you start judging me and my journalistic integrity there are two things you should know. First off: I have no journalistic integrity. Secondly: I actually really have wanted to. Unfortuinately, I currently have all the free time of a black hole busily sucking up the solar system, and (far more importantly) it’s taken me a long time to talk my wife into watching the movie with me. This is because my wife is a mature adult and I have all the maturity and fore thinking of a six year old… mollusk. But because she is, she is, the one who lays close to me (it’s a song… I promise) and in a huge display of how much she loves me, we will be watching the movie this weekend… maybe (once again the business thing.) So hopefully I’ll be reviewing this movie next week!!
And with that we drop the curtain on this particular blog. Thanks for reading everyone have a good weekend and I’ll catch ya on the flip side!