Valentines Day 2014: The Zones Part 2

Posted: February 13, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Well hey Internet, and welcome back to the mystical, magical, article of zonery. We’ve been snowed in here in South Carolina for the last two days or so, which you may think sounds awesome but let me tell you it’s not all fun and games. Why just yesterday I had to… nah it’s actually fairly awesome. I’ve spent the last two days trapped in a house with my awesome wife and about six millions DVDs. Then again I do get paid by the hour so I may not be able to eat next month but hey live and let starve, right?

Anyway, moving on to something I don’t get paid for at all: relationship advice.

Zone 5: The Dating Zone 

Congratulations traveler, you’ve made it!! You’ve started dating young Bernice. Unless that is Bernice said no in which case your in another zone that I like to call: “The Super Awkward Zone of Death.” But that zone didn’t really warrant it’s own category. If you’re in that zone you’re not reading this blog, your sitting at home eating huge amounts mint chocolate chip ice cream and playing Assassins Creed 4. The Dating Zone is (as you may have guessed) the zone wherein you date. You’ve arrived, enjoy the view. Enjoy dating. It’s a great ride. It’s a majestical little boat ride on a lake filled with swans and moonlight and the occasional tidal wave that wipes out a small Japanese city and unleashes a huge, deadly lizard monster.  But on the whole it’s a great ride.

Dating everyone, it's a party.

Dating everyone, it’s a party.

Tips and tricks: a tip for the dating zone is just to make sure you follow along with the person your dating. Dating is a great thing but it’s SUPER important that everyone stay on the same page. Communication people. It’s not just a word that means… something. It’s a word that will save your relationship in ways that are deep, wide, and a fountain flowing… I think. Also, always remember that as you plan dating ventures and vultures don’t feel like you need to make everything a huge deal. I mean make a huge deal sometimes. But remember that dating is all about being comfortable with each other, learning to just hang out and appreciate the little moments.

Zone 6: The “Where is this going” zone. 

As you continue to date young Patrice Patterson or Bill Billfold you will find yourself gradually beginning to think of “THE FUTURE.” And when I say “you” I mean mostly “the woman.” As has been discussed previously on this blog men don’t really think about the future at all. For men the future is a place where they are bit by radioactive spiders or drafted by the San Francisco 49ers in the 3rd round. Men regard the future as this amorphous collection of events and consider those events an entirely unsolvable mystery, like the space time continuum or the plot of Twilight. Women on the other hand tend to be more plan oriented so generally there is a time when the woman sits the men down and says to him, “Man, where do you see this relationship going.” Once the man has regained consciousness he usually stumbles through some sort of awkward answer to the question involving words like “thinking” “planning” and “Scarlett Johansen.” After a while though (and several mint chocolate chip ice creams) the guy will come around to his senses and start thinking about the rest of his life. Or at least the rest of the week. Maybe next month. Regardless of all that though, at some point, some day. The man will come to a dramatic, life altering decision: he will buy an xbox. Ha ha, no, I kid. He already owns one of those. No no, he will decide to take things to Zone 7!! The legendary, epic, sweet sauced zone whose name I will come up with some time in the next few paragraphs.

Tips and tricks: Stay focused men. Stay calm, be cool. It’s very important that you don’t FREAK OUT!!  Men and women are very different but you guys really can come together on this! You can decide to be all that you can be in the army!! I mean– wait… something happened there that I did not intend. I mean you guys can come together, just think about it, take your time but… hurry up. A lot. Ha ha- I’m kidding. But seriously.

Zone 7- The Engagement Zone

So congratulations. You made it. You did it. You sir, are engaged. You madam, are engaged. You pet dog, are… well nothing really changes for you. Oh enviable hound.

This has nothing to do with anything.

This has nothing to do with anything.

Anyway though, being engaged is awesome. There’s the definite assurance that your both committed and on the same path. If you’re a girl there’s the wedding planning, and if you’re the guy there’s all the listening to the wedding planning. Being engaged is pretty awesome, it’s one of the only times you’ll get to use a french word to describe yourself. “Fiance” is just a weird word and it’s a great word to get to use to describe yourself.

Tips and tricks: Say fiancé as much as you can. You’re gonna get a very brief window here and you need to OWN it. Also if you’re the guy here always remember that it’s your job to say as little as possible and agree with everything possible. Weddings are awesome things and the reason they are is because men have VERY little to do with them. I made roughly two decisions for my wedding and those decisions were to wear Chucks and have a Tardis groomsmen cake. Now let me say one thing very clearly: I LOVED my wedding. It was awesome, best day of my life. And the reason it was awesome was because I only made those two decisions. When men plan parties it’s pretty much just pizza, video games, and a nagging sense of forlorn emptiness. When women plan parties there are like… themes. Music. Happiness. Stuff like that. Don’t take it personally, men. You just suck.

Zone 8- The Marriage Zone

Hey, you’re married!! Happy marriage. You’re wedding is over, you’re married and happy and in what could be truly called the greatest zone. It’s a happy place, a wondrous place, a glorious forest filled with magical creatures and great experiences, and some of those creatures will eat your ankles and scamper off into the woods but it’s all worth it! Marriage will change your life, it will make you a better person. Marriage takes all of the things you thought were important and turns them on their head. You find yourself committed to a new set of ideals, a new course of dreams and hopes and fears. Marriage can be horrifying and wonderful and incredible and just when you think you’re as much in love with a person as you could ever possibly be, you learn that you’ve only just begun to understand what love really is.

Tips and tricks: 

Ha ha. Yeah, I have no idea man. None. Remember, you’re wife is ALWAYS right. Even when you’re right. She’s right. In fact especially when you’re right. Don’t ask me how that applies, or what that means. I have no idea.

So there you go guys. And on that happy note I wish you all the happiest of Valentines days. The smoothest of frosties, and the blessings of St. Valen and his blessed flock of tines. Until next week I bid you all adieu.

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