Valentines Day 2014: The Zones

Posted: February 11, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey everyone and welcome to Valentines Day 2014!! Or (more accurately) three days before valentines day 2014 but that’s just less catchy. I’m gonna give all the panicked husbands/boyfriends a chance to  freak out about the fact that Valentines day is this week and they totally forgot about it until just now a few minutes to recuperate. It’s okay guys, you’ve got three days!! UPS express was literally designed for Valentines day which is (let the record show) the sneakiest of the major gift giving holidays. And that’s not an accident men, women do that deliberately. Christmas is just way to big to miss. If you somehow forget Christmas you’re probably in a  coma or one of the writers of the Smurfs 2 (bu-dum-chi.) Birthdays are usually easier to remember (especially with Facebook reminding you every fourth minute that some other person you hate was born in the next fortnight or so). Which just leaves us with Valentines day. A day that’s advertised but only in stealthy ways after commercials filled with things we don’t usually care about and thus have already tuned out. I mean I usually only watch a commercial long enough to see if there’s someone famous I like, someone funny that I like, or something cool that I want to buy. If it hasn’t met that criteria  within roughly the first two seconds I stop paying attention.

Anyway, now that I’ve eased the minds of all the men back into their usual state of dull semi-awareness let’s talk about relationships. More specifically the ZONES OF RELATIONSHIPS!! Some of these zones you have heard of, some you have not, but I promise you that you have been in all of them.

Zone 1: The “oh I know who that is” zone. 

This is one of the earliest zones there is. This is that zone where if you’re a girl you know who the guy is and have maybe casually asked your friends “hey do you know Bob Bilgerat?” You’ve also probably looked him up on Facebook, maybe glanced at his linked-in profile, or tumbled through his tumblr. You have (as I shall call it) lightly stalked him. If you’re a guy at this point in the relationship you have seen this girl and thought: “Oh she’s kinda cute” and then moved on with your life.

If you like stalking. Facebook likes you.

If you like stalking. Facebook likes you.

Tips and pointers: this is a zone filled with potential. Anyone could be anything coming out of this zone. It’s the crisp dawn on a summers day. The warm splash of coffee being poured into a hand made ceramic mug. It’s the first headshot on a zombie killing spree. This could go anywhere from here and your feelin’ (as the old song says) some good vibrations.

Zone 2: The “stuck in a boat” zone. 

Believe it or not the “stuck in a boat” zone can happen anywhere, it’s not strictly confined to nautical settings. Being “stuck in a boat” is just my wonderful, literary way of describing that first time that you and Bob get stuck with one another and are forced to make one on one conversation. You are (metaphorically) stuck in a boat and only through smooth, casual, light hearted conversation can you take that boat and row it gently down the stream.

Tips and pointers: If you’re a guy or a girl and you’re interested in the guy or the girl that you are stuck in said boat with the first thing you need to do is NOT PANIC. That’s right DON’T PANIC!! If you PANIC you could DESTROY this WHOLE THING. PANICKING will END this RELATIONSHIP and you will be ALONE FORRRREEEVVVVEEERRRRR!!! Ha ha ha. I joke. (seriously though: you could be alone forever.) Just remember that you don’t have to make some big diatribe here okay? The world does not work like How I Met Your Mother. No one expects you to come up with some hilarious anecdote or cool story. If you’re a guy interested in the girl across from you the best thing you can do is (and listen carefully here) (no seriously. listen carefully)(Hey!! Pancho!! Listen up) not talk about you. That’s right. Not. You. Girls (especially girls not actively in love with you) really don’t want to hear about what you did in Call of Duty last night. They aren’t super interested in your ability to hit a High G+ during Beethovan’s third symphony. The best thing for you to do here is just talk about her. And when I say “talk about her” I mean “let her talk about her.” This is not the time for you to talk about how her glowing green eyes remind you of the sun rising over the dewy meadows of Hobbiton. Because that time, is never. This is the time for questions like: “so where did you grow up?” “have any siblings?” “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Wouldn’t you say Han shot first?”… Okay so never that last one either.

Cause we all know the answer anyway, Mr. Lucas.

Cause we all know the answer anyway, Mr. Lucas.

Zone 3: The Hang Zone 

This zone (as you may have garnered using your keenly honed intellect) is where you guys can just sort of hang. No real pressures or concerns, you’re past the awkward parts where you don’t know what to say. You’re friends but not “friends” or FRIENDS, just two people who enjoy each others company. That’s all we’re talking about here. You’re dwarves headed merrily towards a dragon, Muppets on a trip to Hollywood, you are a group of coriol and a group of effect just hanging out (editor’s note: I’d like to apologize to science as a whole for Micah’s “Coriolis effect” joke. Micah making science jokes is like a tractor trying to dance Swan Lake.)

Tips and tricks: no real tips or tricks here. Just enjoy the hang zone. Don’t be in too much of a rush to get out of it. So far the relationship between you and your beloved Clementine has been nice and a relatively stress free experience. But buckle in Sparky. Make sure your seat back is in the locked position and your tray is stowed because the road is about to get bumpy, and things are about to get AWKWARD!!

Okay so from here we have several different paths your relationship can take and most of them (to put it mildly) suck. The first option is, of course, just staying in the Hang zone. Sometimes you both just want to be friends and that’s awesome. Good for you! But for those of you looking to take things to the next level. You little fleas hoping to join circus, here is the good, the bad, and the ugly of what goes down from here.

Zone 4A: The FRIEND zone. 

“I really just see you as a friend” words that no person ever wants to hear. The FRIEND zone occurs (somewhat ironically) when one of you has decided that you want to be more then friends and the other has decided that she would rather have hand replaced with a live iguana then do that thing that you want. Usually it’s not anything personal. Maybe they’re interested in someone else, or maybe they’re…. nah they’re totally interested in someone else. That’s what the FRIEND zone was made for. Everyone you like to hang out with but who doesn’t compare to the lavish, muscular, heap of a man that you call only by his sacred name “Captain Sexy Face.”

Tips and Tricks: If you’re stuck in the friend zone the best thing I can tell you is: be patient. Most time Captain Sexy Face is already interested in someone else and it won’t work out between him and (as you call her) the Mistress of Hotness. Just wait, be a friend. There may come a time for drastic romance movie style action but that time is probably/definitely not right away. Just wait for it. When she starts making plans to movie to Picipsy or whatever that is the time for dramatic gestures. Her just being interested in Brock Hunkybuns is no reason to flip out and confess your undying love forever. Be cool man. Be cool.

Zone 4b: the “friend” zone. 

The “friend” zone is very different from the FRIEND zone. The “friend” zone is when both of you are “friends” but you also both know you want to be more then friends. It’s like if in the old west two cowboys were all set to have a duel but then couldn’t remember how to count all the way up to three. They got 1 and then they got 2 but couldn’t really get to that next number… they knew they wanted to shoot each other. They just couldn’t remember how to get there. The “friend” zone is when you know you want to go to the next level and there are fairly obvious signs that the other person wants to go to the next level but you just can’t quite bring yourselves to push things up to the next level.

Tips and tricks: no real tricks to speak of here guys. Just go for it. Do it to it. Black and blue it. And other stuff. Take a chance and do a dance and wear some pants and get out there!! Rock it out.

So there you go guys. We’ve taken a relationship from it’s meeting to it’s RELATIONSHIP in just 1500 words. For more on zones check back on Thursday (valentines eve) and we’ll just keep the zone talk rolling.

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