So, hey everyone and welcome to the launching of a brand new series! A series that not only promises to be mildly insulting but that also will be based on absolutely ZERO actual financial evidence. We’re gonna go ahead and get started on this train with something that I know very little about but will spend the next thousand or so words basically making up a bunch of facts about.
In “What are they Worth” we take a list of people (in this case the Disney princesses) and rank them from poorest to richest. Let it be made very clear that this list is comprised of the princesses estimated gross income at the end of the movie (at the beginning most of them are in some form of abject poverty). In Disney’s case we’re looking at 11 princesses so we’re gonna go from least rich to most rich once again based on absolutely NO research.
Snow White – (completely unknown and therefore disqualified)
Who exactly IS the Prince that Snow White marries? I mean isn’t it distinctly possible that that he’s just some random dude who wandered into the palace wearing a stupid hat and a mini-skirt? The only thing we know for sure is that he has a horse… or stole a horse, and then kissed a dead girl. Is that REALLY something a rich dude does to a girl he met once? I say no. That’s the sort of thing a crazy homeless person does. I’m disqualifying Snow White based on the completely unknown nature of her fate at the end of the film.
Mulan- Number 11
At the end of Mulan (I’m not counting anything that happens in dumb, unnecessary sequels that no one has watched) Muland is (at least mostly) married to Chang. This gives her a grand total property of two houses. Not too shabby where normal people are concerned but as far as Disney princesses go owning two houses is like having a particularly large refrigerator box on the side of the road. I mean I’m about to spend the next several hundred words trying to estimate the value of castles!! Two houses in China aren’t exactly dropping anyones jaws regardless of how many hilarious fire dragons may reside inside.
Total assets: two houses, a dramatic pool to sing at, and one Eddie Muprhy dragon.
Pocahontas- Number 10
I’m gonna endeavor to be at least slightly less offensive then normal here but at the end of Pocahontas all Pocahontas has to be in charge of is a tribe of Indians. Ignoring the gross historical inaccuracy of even calling Pocahontas a “princess” laying claim to some long cabins and a canoe or ten doesn’t exactly rank you among Disney’s rich and famous. Sure you can paint with all the colors of the wind but is anyone buying those wind paintings??? Nope. I mean, it is better than two houses to be sure, but better than a castle? Or (dare we say it) TWO castles? Ha. I think not.
Total assets: several houses, nice property spread, worthless wind paintings and a DEFINITE drop in property value due to the presence of the creepy, haunted, old-lady tree.
Tiana- Number 9
At the end of the Princess and the Frog Tiana is a “princess” only in the sense that she owns a restaurant called “Tiana’s Castle” or something like that. Granted Mulan isn’t a princess at all but Tiana’s total assets aren’t exactly jumping off the page. Still it is New Orleans which is a nice set-up and also prime real estate so I’m ranking her above Mulan’s two houses and Pocahontas’s forest of living creeper trees.
Total assets: One castle themed restaurant and a musky frog scent.
Belle- Number 8
Okay so from here on out I’m essentially just comparing a bunch of super-rich people so the science is gonna get sketchier (editor’s note: yeah cause the science before this has been SUPER solid.) Near as I can tell all Belle gets out of her marriage with Captain Hairy is a castle. Now I’m not decrying the ascertation of a castle but I don’t think she actually gets a kingdom. I mean sure the Beast is called a “prince” but he’s been locked in that castle for a long time. If he ever did rule a kingdom I’m assuming someone else took over while he spent his days fighting fleas and cleaning his litter box. Plus the castle she gets is located in the middle of a horrifying forest, I mean the wolves aren’t gonna just move out because the Beast is all warm and squishy and stuff. In fact you could say that now that they don’t have to worry about the beast the wolves will actually get worse!! So it’s a nice house and all but kind of a bad neighborhood.
Total assets: A castle, some surprisingly musically apt servants, and a bunch of neighbors anxiously waiting to eat her.
Ariel- Number 7
Ariel drops down this low through sheer ambiguity. What exactly is Eric the prince of? I mean I assume it’s some sort of seafaring nation but now that Ariel is in power is she really going to allow commercial fishing? Wouldn’t that be an important part of the nation’s economy? I’m not saying Ariel killed the economy in her new husbands kingdom I’m just saying it’s a distinct possibility. Plus, Eric’s house is nice and all but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “a castle,” sure his parents might live elsewhere but I have no idea where that is. It’s also distinctly possible the rest of the kingdom has been take over by zombies and Eric is the last surviving human in the entire place! Kind of like “I am Legend” except with a FAR more annoying dog.
Total assets: mostly unknown. Either a fishing based kingdom on the brink of collapse or a zombie infested wasteland… though I forget how I came to that second conclusion.
Jasmine- Number 6
Jasmine is an Arabian princess who marries a street urchin (two movies later) so while she doesn’t gain anything through her marriage she is still the princess of an Arabian kingdom. An Arabian kingdom where it’s “hotter than hot”a place where “they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face” and where “a fool off his guard could fall and fall hard out there on the dunes.” I’m not saying it’s not a great place to the be the queen of but at the very least there seems to be a SERIOUS crime problem. As far as I know, marrying a street urchin and professional thief isn’t exactly gonna cut down on that problem.
Total assets: one palace, one crime infested kingdom with a serious temperature problem.
Merida- Number 5
Merida inherits a kingdom in Scotland. Now, Kingdoms in Scotland are awesome and she does have a pretty cool castle but it’s cool in a rustic sort of sense. You don’t really get the feeling Merida is rolling in the dough in that castle. Plus, apparently bears are a problem and there are fair to decent odds that her siblings will burn down the house. So, while being the princess of a castle in Scotland is awesome (I have Scottish relatives) it’s not exactly the most lucrative place to be when compared to certain other castles/kingdoms that reside in magical kingdoms.
Total assets: one castle, a bear filled kingdom, and sweet sweet archery skills (no actual value)
Rapunzel- Number 4
At the end of Tangled, Rapunzel is reunited with her mother and father and inherits (or will inherit) the magical kingdom of Whats’it. Not only that, but she has also done a decent job of cutting down on crime by convincing the local criminal element to convert to more peaceful activities (such as figurine collecting… or something.) We know very little about her kingdom but we can at least assume they’re gonna save some money by not holding state-mandated candle light vigils once a year.
Total assets: One kingdom filled with pyromaniacs.
Anna/Elsa- Number 3
I’m bunching these together even though one is technically a queen. It’s not like the rest of this process has been tightly regulated anyway. So they both rule their tiny island kingdom which (it seems) is kind of a trade center or something? I mean there’s not a ton of real estate out there but the kingdom seems to be rocking and rolling. At the end of the movie they do break ties with their number 1 trade partner but let’s remember that the Queen of this country has the ability to CREATE LIFE!! I mean the cost of manufacturing things is about to plummet if nothing else. I mean we’re trying to figure out how to cope with robot workers in this country but in the magical kingdom of Whatever-ton they have fully functioning SENTIENT snowmen who require no food or sustenance. That’s gonna do something for your economy. The only reason this Kingdom isn’t number one is that apparently Elsa is more focused on ice-skating rather than Economic growth.
Total assets: one kingdom, a thriving sea trade, and the ability to create an undefeatable home defense force from the ether of un-reality.
Cinderella- Number 2
I know this seems kind of high for Cinderella but let’s all remember the size of the castle she’s moving into after getting married. Plus, the party she was at certainly didn’t seem to be the product of a struggling economy. Plus doesn’t that look exactly like the castle in every Walt Disney movie? I mean the royalties that Cinderella much get for letting Disney use her castle must be colossal.
Total assets: one MASSIVE castle. A kingdom filled with apparently magical mice capable of human speech. A fairy godmother able to intercede on her behalf whenever she feels like it.
And finally our number 1 richest princess…
Aurora- Number 1
Think about this: at the beginning of the movie Aurora is a princess and at the end of the movie she is marrying a prince from a different kingdom. She is now therefore the sovereign of two entirely separate kingdoms who (as far as we can tell) are at least moderately equal in strength. I mean Phillips father doesn’t look like he’s hurting for cash. So while the rest of this list is full of people who get Kingdoms one way or another; Aurora is the only one who gets TWO kingdoms by the end of her movie. Making her (as far as my completely unscientific scientific process goes) the clear winner.
Total assets: one kingdom, another kingdom, three phenomenally annoying fairies, and a gaping hole in the country’s ability to create its own thread.
So there you go guys!! A list that no one asked for with no actual economic science behind it! Got more ideas for What They’re Worth? Comment or PM with lists that you’d like to see!! Thanks for reading and we’ll see you next week for the start of my usual Valentines day festivities.