Winter Olympics 2014

Posted: February 3, 2014 by Micah in Sports
Tags: , ,

Well hey everyone, and welcome to Monday. A day that will wrap you up in the warm loving arms of its own sad, unbearable, hopelessness and make you forget that the weekend ever happened. Which, if you’re a Broncos fan, really isn’t that bad!! Ha ha, oh the sports jokes. Seriously though, I’m out of sports jokes, and as you may have gathered from the title of this article sports aren’t going to be referred to much at all in here. Sure, it’s a blog about the winter Olympics but let’s face it: I’m writing this.

The Winter Olympics are a lot like the Summer Olympics except immensely less entertaining. When the Summer Olympics happened (roughly… nine years ago I think) I released a list of some sports I liked and some I didn’t and what I thought could be done to improve those ones (in this case 5 I don’t like and a few that I do). Here’s a similar list, though (like the Winter Olympics themselves) it will probably be less entertaining then the summer ones.

1. Cross country skiing.

Cross Country skiing might not be saveable. It’s just a lot of people wandering around a forest wearing skis. Forever. I’m not sure what the actual runtime for  something like this is but it’s WAY too long. This sport is like the movie White Fang except without White Fang or dialogue or anything that made that movie at all interesting.

You could fix it by: Umm… releasing an angry white fang to pick off the stragglers??? Probably not huh?

Yeah, they're going uphill. It's kind of like someone took the worst part of skiing and made a sport out of it.

Yeah, they’re going uphill. It’s kind of like someone took the worst part of skiing and made a sport out of it.

2. Biathlon.

The Biathlon is (if possible) even more boring than cross country skiing. It’s basically the same long slow slog of people wearing skis and moving very slowly through forests, except in the biathlon they stop and shoot pieces of paper. And not like, cowboy style blasting away at the paper. No no no they take their TIME. TIME magazine style time. You could read TIME magazine in the time it takes them to shoot one target and I’m pretty sure they shoot more than one. I say “pretty sure” cause I’ve never actually waited long enough to see them actually shoot the target. For all I know they may just stand there and aim at the thing for five minutes before peacefully moving on. Fortunately there’s an easy way to fix the biathlon.

You could fix it by: having the contestants shoot at each other. Who loses here huh? You don’t even have to use real bullets here Hunger Games fans. Just give them paintball guns and turn them loose, first person to cross the finish line or last man standing wins! This, I would watch.

3. All the sledding things.

There is no shortage of people moving down hills at high speeds in the winter Olympics. You’ve got skeleton (stomach down, head first), luge (back down, feet first), and bobsledding  (Jamaicans.) And that’s not counting the eight varieties of bobsledding (couples, fourples, triples, double bass, mens, womens, and high school mixer.) All of these sports basically just involve people in a sled moving rapidly down a hill. My advice for watching these sports is just to wait until the last round and watch that. There is no point in wading through an hour of bobsledding only to have to come back the next day and watch the exact same thing happen again.

You could fix it by: umm… that’s a tough one. Mostly you could fix it by not watching it till the finals. It’s interesting enough, just not for long periods of time. Or maybe just do it like musical chairs. Instead of having a four person bobsled team and four seats why not have a four person team and three seats? At least that way there’s some drama each time.

4. All the skiing things.

And once again we find ourselves standing at the top of the hill, doing some stuff, and then being at the bottom of the hill. With skiing you have several varieties including downhill, the bumpy one, the one with the flags, and the jumpy one (easily the best one.)  Things such as this  are also probably best served just by watching the finals. They are slightly more entertaining than four people riding in a sled down a hill over and over again, but also not really entertaining enough to warrant you watching all five Swedish people run down the hill just to not qualify for the finals because they leaned imperceptibly to the left at one point.

You could fix it by: hmmm… I think what skiing really needs is to start letting adorable animals take over. I mean we have a puppy bowl right? Why not just strap some skis to a kitten and send it down a hill? People would watch that, and while it wouldn’t be as fast as humans I feel like the entertainment factor would be more appealing across the board.

The Canadian skier after a particularly nasty wipeout.

The Canadian skier after a particularly nasty wipeout.

5. Curling.

In curling one dude pushes a huge rock down a thing and tries to get it to stop in a circle. Meanwhile, other people are sweeping in front of the rock because… umm… Canadians really don’t have much else to do. Curling is easily the funniest Olympic sport but I feel there’s one obvious way to improve it.

You could fix it by: explosions. Instead of a rock just use a grenade. If the grenade stops in the blue circle it disarms if it stops anywhere else you have 5 seconds to clear out before it explodes. 5 seconds is a long time. No one would die in these explosions, they would just add a nice punctuation mark to the end of a failed curl (if that is in fact what that would be called), and everyone loves punctuation. Right?!.,;:’”[{]}??

And finally a couple sports that you should just watch.

Speed skating: speed skating is fairly awesome (though the longer races start to feel a little Nascar-ish.) There’s some legitimate strategy involved, the races usually aren’t that long, and there’s a constant risk of collision and death. It’s like watching hurdles except for sharper!!

Anything involving snowboards: snowboards are like skis except far cooler. I could sit here all day and debate which is harder but I feel there’s no debate that snowboarding is just more awesome. Sorry skiers of the world.

Figure skating: I know, I know. It’s not exactly the manliest thing on this list but I’m the guy who broke down in-depth, the best Disney song so hey, whatever. My wife watches figure skating because of the beauty and the glamor, and the sweeping majesty of the human spirit… or something. I mostly watch for the chance of wipe outs, the hilarious costume choices, and the faces people make when the judges announce their scores. It cracks me up.

Seriously though... whose idea was this?

Seriously though… whose idea was this?

So there you go guys. A nice prep column to get you all excited for the Olympics kicking off on Friday check back in on Thursday for a continuation of the party and be sure to tune in on Friday for the hilarious, existential, Russianness that are bound to be the opening ceremonies.

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