Disney Sidekicks

Posted: January 30, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Well hey Internet!! How’s it going? No, really, how is the real you? The you underneath the petty, flesh prison that encircles your living soul? Go on. Tell me. Oh wait no that’s right… I don’t care. Anyway, I’m doing pretty well. And now that I’ve insulted 95 percent of my readership (Editor’s note: the other 5 percent just skips Micah’s awkward intros. We recommend this) let’s go ahead and get rolling with the latest in my long list of hilariously unmanly Disney themed lists! Namely:

The Ultimate Disney Sidekick Competition

Everyone knows Disney’s heroes, the princes, princesses, and principalities that make up our childhood dreams and whimsical  fancies. But as the old saying goes: “behind every great princess is an even greater wardrobe designer. And behind that wardrobe designer is some crazed maniac with a pencil who hasn’t seen his wife and children for several months.” I have no idea what that has to do with Disney Sidekicks but here’s a list of them anyway.

Moving chronologically through the list of Disney movies (skipping the ones I haven’t seen or (in some cases) wish I hadn’t seenm*cough* Cars *cough*) we find our first stop to be Disney’s very first animated adventure: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves… which didn’t have sidekicks. At all. I mean, unless you want to count the seven dwarves but they’re in the title of the movie. Surely they don’t count as sidekicks when you’re in the title right? So thanks Disney. Way to ruin my list.

Pinocchio- Ah, Jimminy Cricket. Disney’s first true sidekick and maybe even its best. I mean Jimminy isn’t just your friend, he’s your conscious. Constantly whispering in your ears about how you treat your neighbor, or not murdering your brothers pet zombie even when it’s on your side of the sarcophagus. Hang on… that might be kind of annoying. I mean I like my conscious as much as anyone but having it given an actual voice AND take on the form of a cricket? Not so much.

Jimminy Cricket is: at best a casual acquaintance. The sort of guy you see every once in a while and then remember you don’t like very much.

Dumbo- That SUPER annoying mouse. Nuff said.

Super annoying mouse is: sworn enemies. That guy who thinks you like him but who you avoid seeing at all costs.

Peter Pan- Tinkerbell. I have no stated problems with Tinkerbell but… she does sort of try and scare off Peter’s hotter, more size appropriate girlfriend and then almost gets him blown up. I’m not saying she’s a bad friend but she does seem sort of… um… psycho.

Tinkerbell is: that person who stalks you on facebook and constantly feels the need to post on EVERYTHING you do and make sure she gets the last word on anything that anyone else posts. Tinkerbell is the friends who grabs your phone and checks your text messages to see who you text more than her. She crazy.

"We'll be BFF's!!! (or I'll betray you to pirate and blow you up while you sleep)... tee-hee!!!"

“We’ll be BFF’s!!! (or I’ll betray you to pirate and blow you up while you sleep)… tee-hee!!!”

The Jungle Book- Ballou and Bagera. These are two great friends, Bagera who might be a little up-tight sometimes but who you know would launch himself into great physical danger for you; and Ballou the chill, cool, awesome guy who doesn’t take life too seriously and just wants to relax and hang. Two awesome friends who complement each other perfectly. And you know how Mogli thanks them? By abandoning them for a girl who he has never actually SPOKEN TO!! Ya jerk.

Ballou and Bagera are: two awesome friends who kinda get shafted. Seriously Mogli doesn’t even call, or invite them over to play hilarious video games. Just nothing. Women, man.

Robin Hood- Little John. Little John does get his name in the intro song but I guess he still counts as a sidekick. Of course he’s essentially just Ballou with brown fur but he still ranks pretty solidly on the pantheon of friendship and though Robin Hood does get married at the end of the movie you know he and Little John still get together on weekends for a couple rounds at the old archery range.

Little John is: just a solid friend. He’s not the funniest guy you know, but he’s just there. Not overly demanding of your time or personal space, he’s that guy you call on weekends who you know is gonna be able to get you in  for coffee or a quick favor.

The Little Mermaid- I guess Flounder? Maybe Sebastian?  Maybe that seagull? Too many sidekicks here, no one has that many sides on which to kick.

All those people are: a big list of people you hang out with but no one you can really talk to. No one who knows you for you. Just people… or seafood. Or whatever.

Mulan- Mushu!!! Yeah, you forgot about Mushu didn’t you? I know I did. I had entirely forgot that there was ever a time in my life that Eddie Murphy was actually funny!! But he was ladies and gentlemen, and here is the definitive proof. Mushu was hilarious, loyal, and even cooked!!!

And it's happy to see ya!!

And it’s happy to see ya!!

What a guy.

Mushu is: your friend for life. Mushu’s that guy who lives above your garage after you get married and while he never finds a ton of success in life scores CRAZY high scores where bro-dom is concerned. And really what more could you ask for from a friend?

The Emperor’s New Groove– Kronk!! Sure he was a sidekick to the villain but who exactly wouldn’t want Kronk as a friend? Kronk is funny, loyal, not really smart enough to challenge your opinions AND HE ALSO COOKS!!! What??? This whole thing just got intense!!!!

Kronk is: read the above paragraphs about Mushu but seriously who wouldn’t want to be friends with Kronk? He’s that nerdy guy who isn’t ashamed to do anything for the sake of a friend and while he may not be the brightest light in the harbor he’s definitely the warmest. — wow… that was awesome. And deep. That was the marianas trench of sentences right there. That needs to be on a card. Someone copyright that mess and let’s move on!!! (Editor’s Note: Copyright 2014 Thoughts We Might Have Had… I guess.)

Monsters Inc and Lilo and Stich: really no way to differentiate the hero and the sidekick here. Sorry Mike.

Finding Nemo: Dory. Everyone’s favorite forgetful fish, Dory is a great friend… assuming she can remember who you are that is and while she’s not the sharpest tack in the box, she’s certainly the pointiest… yeah, they don’t all work.

Dory is: Dory’s that super blond chick that your friends with. She’s fun to hang around and does two or three hilariously blond things an evening. You might not tell her all your deepest secrets but hey, she’d probably just forget them anyway… either that or accidentally post them on twitter. It’s a toss up.

Tangled: Again I think we’re looking at to many entries here. I mean you’ve got the horse and the chameleon and while they are both sidekicks I’m not sure you can make a strong case for either being on this list. Sorry, guys.

Frozen: Olaf. Ah, Olaf. The latest entry in he Disney friend strata and also the inspiration for this whole column! That said while Olaf is funny and comes with small parts that may be swallowed by children five and up. He does not cook.

Olaf is: a guy your pretty tight with. Granted you don’t always completely understand what’s going on in his head, and he is definitely an optimist but you like the guy. He’s solid, reliable, and just a little bit weird.

And the winner is:… KRONK!!!

Squeekin squueker good buddy. Squeekin squeeker.

Squeekin squueker good buddy. Squeekin squeeker.

In a narrow neck and umm… scale competition Kronk edges Mushu for the top spot. Not only does Kronk speak squirrel and cook but he also (as we all know) does his own theme music.

Thanks for reading everyone and come on back Monday!!

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