Star Wars Villains: The Top Ten

Posted: January 16, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Well hey guys, and welcome to the show! Today we’re going to continue my attempts to give the people what they want by doing some Star Wars rankings, something that probably none of you would actually ask for if you had the chance… but you don’t. So with my usual blind self assurance and hilarious lack of scruples. I shall carry on.

 As with most of my lists this is just a movie list. Yes I am a huge nerd and have read a sad amount of Star Wars books but just to try and relate myself somewhat to all the hip young kids patrolling the internet for something they can later plagiarize or post on Instagram or whatever I’m gonna keep it to the actual movies.

10. Jabba the Hut

 Let me tell you what, coming up with ten villains based on just six movies wasn’t easy. And yet (despite some of the people that I totally made up later on) I couldn’t think of a single villain worse than Jabba the Hut. Let’s list his accomplishments real fast: had Han Solo Fed-ex’d to him, dropped Luke down a hole, then attempted to drop Luke down another hole, and ended his routine by being strangled by his own slave-chain. Not exactly a huge list of accomplishments there huh? And speaking of huge: he’s a fatty. A big fat fatty mcfatterson from Tubby street in Fatville. And gross. A gross grossy gross gross from… well you get the idea. I don’t like Jabba.

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“Does this druel make me look fat?”

9. Those Whiny Alien Guys from Episode 1.

You know who I mean right? I mean sure I could look up their names but let’s face it were at number 9 here. Most people will just skip to the top 5 anyway so why should I click all the way over to another window just to google the names of these two guys that nobody liked. All these guys do is what the Emperor tells them to until it looks like they might be in a VERY small amount of danger at which point they surrender. These are the scared four year old girls of the Star Wars universe and that lands them firmly right above the sad, melted jello of the Star Wars Universe (the aforemention Jabba) but below our next contestant…

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“So should we surrender now just to get it over with or would you like to smack us around a little bit?”

 

8. Stormtrooper Who Hit His Head.

Definitely the most famous of stormtroopers this guy (in Episode 4) hit his head on the door frame and then… well we don’t know. He’s pretty much never heard from again. You’d think if you bang your head against a door someone would notice but none of his fellow troopers really seemed to care. Maybe he was like a lovable cluts and none of his friends really took him seriously? I don’t know. Nobody knows, but I like to think he made his way off the Death Star, though, and eventually settled down and lived a long happy life with his wife Mary and their child Benedict Cumberbatch.

7.   Grand Moff Tarkin

The guy “in charge” of the Death Star, Grand Moff Tarkin wins the award for “most evil cheekbones” which is really the only reason he’s this high on this list. Cause frankly the only thing he really accomplishes with his life is staring in a concerned fashion out of his window while people blew up his giant death ball of a ship. Plus, at one point  you know a piece of paper sat on the desk of this man that said “Death Star=completely indestructible… mostly.” And Tarkin signed off on that.

6. Count Dooku

Okay, now things start getting more serious as we have our first official lightsaber! Kind of…. Count Dooku carries some weird curvy typed lightsaber… thing. It has a curved handle so that the rest of the lightsaber will look and act EXACTLY like all the other lightsabers ever. Anyway, Count Dooku mostly seems to specialize in “being old” and “talking a lot before he fights.” Seriously, it’s like the guy has to charge up by talking about existential good vs. evil stuff before he can actually engage anyone in combat. Plus, he eventually gets murdered as part of some overly complicated scheme to make Hayden Christenson less whiny so… not a lot of points.

5. The Fetts

I’m putting Jango and Boba together here because… well why not? Plus putting Boba on terms by himself when you’re just talking about the movies doesn’t make him sound super great. I mean all he really did in the movies was stand behind Darth Vader, deliver Han to Jabba, get beat up by Luke, and then get murdered by Han who both didn’t mean to do it and was BLIND!! Now nerds like me (both of us) know that Boba doesn’t actually die there but… yeah. So I put him together with Jango who we know can fight because he narrowly escapes Ob-Wan (who may or may not have been letting him escape so they could track him) and then gets beheaded by Mace Windu. Man… maybe they shouldn’t be this high… But hey: cool helmet!

4. Emperor Palpatine

Most of you thought he was gonna be number 1 or 2 and I get that he lived in secrecy and overthrew the Jedi but… he’s old. And creepy. And in the end he gets murdered by a one-handed Darth Vader after one of the most obvious attempts at “subtle” subterfuge ever. I mean when your trying to turn someone from the light side to the dark side you usually don’t promise him you’ll murder all of his friends either way. He did pretty well with the whole “save Padme’ become evil” thing but over the years he apparently lost his touch. “Kill your dad and join me so we can murder your friends and blow up your sister” isn’t as great a sales pitch.

3. General Grievous

Sure he didn’t have a ton of screen time but look at the villains below him on this list and tell me you enjoyed them more. Grievous was a robot with a billion lightsabers and a propensity for murdering his underlings for no reason. I’ll give you that his voice-over work could have been much better but hey: billion lightsabers. Murder, death, and stuff. And he didn’t feel it necessary to try and convert anyone or deliver LONG diatribes on the nature of good and evil or the best treatment for his evening chills. Happy number 3, Grievous.

2.  Darth Maul

It was a tough call between one and two on this list. Darth Maul narrowly fell off the top spot because he is only in one movie and he technically doesn’t… ya know… talk. Still though: awesome double-bladed lightsaber, sweet makeup, and (in a weird positive and negative thing) he only has one line. People just send him places to muder things. He’s like a super violent kiss-o-gram. A death-o-gram. Which is awesome.

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“Hi, I’m Darth Maul with Death-o-Grams R Us. Is Billy here?”

1. Jar-Jar Binks

Ha ha no. I kid… mostly.

1. Darth Vader

Yeah, not a ton of surprise here but when you come right down to it; this is where it’s at. Vader has an awesome voice, lightsaber fighting sweetness, and a cool look. We’ll just ignore the fact that he was played by Hayden Christenson early on (though honestly the only time I didn’t want to light Hayden on fire was when he was being angry… and yes that was a “burned in lava” joke) and focus on the iconic awesomeness that Darth Vader represents. Though if we’re talking about weaknesses I will mention that he also killed a lot of underlings for reasons ranging from “stupid and petty” to “no real reason at all.” But regardless of that we must say, congratulations Vades, you da man. Roboman. Or whatever.

And there you go guys! Ten villains… sort of. Check on back in next week when I’ll do some Disney talking and maybe finally get around to writing up a full review of the Hobbit.

Comments
  1. Katrina says:

    Thanks to eighteen too many games of Star Wars Trivial Pursuit with my brothers, I automatically know one of the whiny aliens is named Nute Gunray. The other one is named…I have no idea. Probably because he is of no purpose other than being a backup singer to Nute Gunray.

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