Book Excerpt: Dating

Posted: January 13, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey Internet!! So remember when your parents first got facebook and all of the sudden you weren’t sure exactly how you felt about the whole thing? Well I’ve officially found a way that said situation could be more awkward. When your parent gets facebook and then doesn’t request you as a friend. After all don’t you kind of assume that the reason your parents get facebook is so they can mercilessly stalk you and make sure you’re not posting pictures of yourself wearing only live animals? Anyway, my plans to start posting more pictures to Facebook aside, let’s get to this weeks post shall we?

With the ringing in of the new year I went back through the annals of this blog and started poking around to see what people had looked at the most. Not because I am a total slave to the whims of a deranged public but because… no it’s actually pretty much that.  The three things I learned from my journey through history were that you guys still really like Disney posts (see the Prince, Princess, Villain, and Disney-song competitions we’ve had) Star War posts (now ironically also counting as Disney posts) and (very randomly) the couple excerpts from my yet untitled book. I don’t know why the third one is true, maybe your hoping it’s a book excerpt from someone else’s book or maybe you just show people it for your “how not to write a book classes” I don’t know. Regardless though who am I to stand in the way of the apparent wishes of a nation. So this week/next week I’m gonna be throwing up some posts from each of these three categories starting with the next chapter from my critically ignored, no seller.

Chapter 3: Dating

Let us now take a brief moment of my valuable page-time and spend some paper talking about dating. As you may have noticed from the beginning of the book we (the writers thereof) have no idea how to deal with women. Most of the time that would stop people from writing a whole chapter about dating; but, as you also may have noticed from the beginning of the book,  we won’t let a little thing like absolutely no knowledge on a topic stop us from insulting a ton of people.

Dating pre-high school

It’s a little known historical fact that one of we the writers was actually betrothed to someone from the moment he was birth borned into this world. He (being about four at the time) still thought girls had koodies and that marriage was something that stopped you from becoming a space-cowboy-ninja and was not interested in it at all. Still though sometimes two young children who have yet to understand the complex dating strata will decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend and make mud pies, or mud huts or mud… mud or something. This is (mildly) adorable and while pretty much every one of these relationships ends in heartbreak little kids have hearts made of silly puddy and regard a “break-up” with roughly the same amount of concern and sadness as they regard the end of an episode of Barney.

Dating in High School

Dating in high school is like trying to make a two tier wedding cake by making two separate cake batters, loading those batters into shotguns and then shooting them at each other from close range. It’s not that those two cakes won’t go together it’s just that they aren’t finished yet. High schoolers are the unbaked cakes of the dating world and (as in the previous illustration) relationships in high school tend to be sloppy messes that cover people in uncooked cake… that illustration may have got away from me at the end… unless we’re talking about two high schoolers who work at a cake factory… which we are probably not.  What are we talking about exactly? Oh right: high schoolers.

The problem with high schoolers is they haven’t really finished becoming the people they will become. We the writers of this book didn’t have the maturity of a four day old walnut in high school whereas now we—well we probably have the maturity of a four day old walnut… maybe. I’m not saying don’t date in high school, high school is a great time to make your first awkward attempt at asking someone out and then (very shortly afterword) your second slightly less awkward attempt at asking that girls best friends out. That way even if you get turned down or broken up with once you finish high school you will probably never EVER see that person again.

Dating in College and Beyond

College and beyond is when dating really turns serious. All the sudden people want to know things like “what is your five year plan” and “where do you see this relationship going.” Understand that when we say “people” in that last sentence we mean “women.” Men don’t care about a five year plan. Men are lucky if they have a five-minute plan and usually when they do have a five minute plan it’s because they’re planning on eating in the next five minutes.

Completely scientific studies have shown that the first answer that passes through the mind of most men when asked about their five year plan is as follows: “Umm… pizza?” Whereas most women could give you the exact square footage of the house they plan on buying and exactly how tall their four children will be five years from any given date. This is because women sit around thinking and talking about these things with one another in deep, deep detail as they plan their futures. The closest men get to planning the future with one another is when they talk about who the 49ers will draft with the first pick next season. Men don’t know what house they’ll be living in. Men view themselves as not needing a house because they plan on developing super powers at some point and living the rest of their lives saving the world from evil and the Green Bay Packers offensive line.

You can laugh at that ladies but we once played catch outside once a week for an entire semester and each time secretly hoped (despite having zero formal training) that a scout from the Red Sox would walk by and say “oh my goodness!! With a little work you could be the next Pedro Martinez!” and whisk us off to Fenway Park. We could find out for sure that other men think the same way but that would involve talking to them about their future plans which would be weird and unmanly.

How to Ask a Woman on a Date

There are three basic ways to ask a woman on a date. We know this because we have extensively researched this topic by thinking about for several minutes before starting to write this sentence. So here they are listed in absolutely no particular order.

Way 1: Playing it casual.

This is probably the most common way to do things and is (in fact) the way preferred by the writers of this sentence. This is one of those things you just sort of sneak out there in the midst of a conversation. Observe:

Girl 1: So I think it would be best if we went with the blue rabbit rather than the whale, due to obvious size restrictions.

Guy 1: That’s a valid point Girl 1, say, what would you think about maybe going out for dinner with me some time?

See how casual that was? This is best for low key people or people who are (by some translations) scared out their ever pickled brains by the idea of asking someone as sexy and well-scented as Girl 1 out.

A couple notes for the old casual styles: make sure you say the words “going out” and “with me” so she knows you’re asking her out and not just “making dinner plans.”

If Girl 1 says something like “absolutely” or “yes definitely” your next move should be to immediately set a date as to when you will be doing this. If she says something like “maybe” or “yeah we’ll see, I’ll have to check my schedule.” Then you sir need to GET OUT OF THERE!!! PULL UP!!! PULL UP!!! She’s not interested and is trying to turn you down as casually as you asked her out. Read the signs, smell the coffee, and make the donutes… or something. The ship of your relations, has sunk.

Way 2: Break Out the Big Guns

A guy who goes for this option is thinking a little more elaborately then guy 1. There are two basic reasons for that. Reason 1: He’s pretty sure the girl is going to say yes and just wants to do something big and nice to make it special. Or Reason 2: he’s pretty sure the girl is going to say no and is hoping to change her mind with a large romantic gesture that probably (and/or definitely) won’t work. Things like, fireworks displays or lights shows or some form of elaborate musical number. If you’re doing this for reason number 1, great! Happy dating to you. If you’re going for reason number 2 REALLY think about deciding to go for way 1. Girls minds are usually made up as to whether or not they will date a guy within the first minute of that guys life. Regardless of whether or not they have actually met that guy or not. Guys may think this is unfair but women over countless centuries of nerdy guys asking them out have developed finely honed instincts that enable them to instantly not give guys a chance based purely on their overall body odor and the ratio of emotional maturity to obscure star wars knowledge.

You could have Brad Pitt covered in her favorite cheeses show up and ask her out on your behalf and the girl wouldn’t even ask Brad for a cheese slice.

Way 3: Writing it out in a letter. 

Occasionally a guy feels like the best way to express himself is through the written word. He feels the only way to really say what he’s thinking is to write it out in a lovely flowing hand and dispatch her a letter filled with promises of his love. When this feeling captivates you, when you sit at your desk pen in hand to pour your heart out on paper remember these simple words: NEVER DO THIS!!! I don’t care if you’re Tolkien writing a love letter to a girl who spends most of her days dressed as Galadriel and hanging out in trees get up off your sorry back-portions and go ask the girl. The odds of her biting you are SUPER low… okay well moderately low. Regardless: don’t do this. If you want to ask her out, ask her out. Don’t write her out. No great love story ever started with the words “and he wrote her a letter to ask her out instead of doing it face to face.” That may well be the first time that sentence has ever been typed. Don’t do it gentlemen.

And that’s the end of today’s excerpt. Hopefully you enjoyed it, and if not come on back on Thursday for a not book excerpt! We’ll see you then!


  1. Fred Thompson says:

    I didn’t ask you to be my friend??? Did I really miss that or… was it really intentional? Here’s hoping you know me well enough to know the answer.

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