Five Movie Predictions for 2014

Posted: January 9, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

Hello internet, and welcome to something new,  something that has never been tried before (except for by just about everyone else on the internet.) But still, I feel I can promise you that this list is completely original in it’s utter lack of concern for things like: facts, research, and the basic laws of grammar.

Let me assure you that some of these predictions will definitely be wrong, some of them there will be no way to actually tell if it was right,  but at least one of them I guarantee you will be right… because there is no conceivable way it could be wrong, and since I am nothing if not eager to be right, let’s start with that one!

The Rock wins the battle of the Hercules… Herculi??

“Hercules: The Legend Begins” and “Hercules” both come out this year. “Hercules” stars Dwayne (don’t call me the Rock) Johnson and “Hercules: The Legend Begins” stars some slab of flesh that no one has ever heard of. Both movies were originaly scheduled to come out some time this summer but a few months ago “the Legend Begins” decided that it wanted to come out in January in the hopes that people would come and watch it thinking it was Not the Rock’s movie. I haven’t seen a single piece of video from The Rockulese but I promise you it will be better than “The Legend Continues.” “The Legend Continues” bears all the earmarks of another cheap 300 knock-off starring someone who can’t act and written by a ham sandwich’s pickle.  The (totally not) Rock’s version of the film probably won’t be a classic for the ages or anything like that, but I’m at least expecting a competent writer to have (at one point or another) glanced at the script over drinks. The Rock will be big and punch things and the movie will be one of those weird, fun things that you enjoy and then forget about. Which will be preferable over “The Legend Begins” which will be one of those terrible things you want to forget but can’t.

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This is a perfect example of a little movie that couldn’t.

Godzilla wins the Battle of re-boots that no one asked for.

And there are a lot of them this year. Robocop, Transformers 4 (technically not a re-boot but when you get an entire new cast together and try and pretend the first movies didn’t happen that totally counts), Ninja Tutles and even Annie are all getting kicked with the re-boot this year and most of them probably won’t recover. Robocop is working from a VERY tired premise, Ninja Turtles and Transformers are both helmed by Michael Bay who is on an unprecedented streak of letting down both fans of the original material AND people who have no idea what the material is about and Annie has been re-made, re-booted, re-told, and re-wound so many times no one actually has any clue what the difference between one version or another might be. Maybe we could combine all of these re-makes and have Annie be an orphan Ninja Turtle who lives in an orphanage run by RoboCop until she’s adopted by Optimus Prime. I would  totally watch that movie.

Anyway, Godzilla seems to be going for a little bit of a grittier, more realistic feel (judging from the 30 seconds of trailer I’ve watched) so at the very least we’re probably looking at a slightly above average monster movie told from a new angle. Once again, I’m not saying this is gonna be a great movie. Saying Godzilla wins the battle of the unwanted re-makes this year is like saying that the cut nearest my pancrease won the battle for the best of my stab wounds. It’s a competition you just hope to avoid.   

Theater nerds hate on Into the Woods for no reason.

This is a pretty safe bet (though not as safe as the Hercules one, that bet is the “looking both ways several times before crossing the street” of predictions.)  Into the Woods looks like a really good movie adaptation of a great play but… wait a second… what was that?? Oh, it’s Hugh Jackmen reminding us that the hardest audience to please isn’t comic fans, it is (in point of fact) theater nerds. And I know these things… I am one. I can tell you all the things I hated about Romeo + Juliet, or talk about how I didn’t like the cutting of David Tennant’s Hamlet, but even I cannot hold a candle to the sub-SUB-category of theater nerds: musical theater nerds.  If you listen closely you can hear them sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches as they get ready to criticize Johnny Depps singing voice, or James Corden’s handling of the third octave’s fourth peninsula or something. They’re pretending to be excited right now but don’t believe it. At all. They’re just building the sandcastle higher so that it will be more fun to smash it later.

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Musical Theater people are busily composing a brief musical number about why they hate this poster.

Batman vs. Superman, the Avengers, and Star Wars will all release trailers and end the world as we know it.

Yeah, all three of those movies come out in 2015 and if you don’t think Marvel/Disney/DC will advertise the pants off of these you may want to check your trousers… Disney probably has them. Star Wars fans are in such a frenzy right now that if Disney releases a 30 second trailer of Benedict Cumberbatch holding a red lightsaber and Harrison Ford’s zombie corpse (all that’s left at this point) wearing his Han Solo costume in the background, nerds the world over would be LINING UP to sell them their collective souls. Marvel will, at the very least, tease the next Avengers in Guardians of the Galaxy and Captain America and I’d be surprised if they didn’t stick a teaser trailer in front of the December run of movies. As far as DC goes “Batman vs. Superman vs. Wonder Woman vs. Anyone else we Think People Will Pay to See” is all they have going on right now and if you don’t think they’ll start parading a trailer around the minute they have enough footage to make one you obviously haven’t been paying attention.  

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Women and nerds alike just joyfully squeeled all over their dignity.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. My call for the top grossing movie of the year!!

The number 1 grossing movie will be: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Yup, I’m calling it. My most anticipated movie was Interstellar but the crazy train for Guardians is gonna be WAY bigger. Plus, when Marvel announces it’s attaching a first look at the Avengers villain at the end of the movie it’s gonna be even bigger. Captain America will be great but will only fan the interest in a whole new class of Super Heroes in a whole new crazy location. People will be lining up to check it out and everything I’ve heard about the movie so far points to it meeting and (dare we say it) exceeding expectations. The curiosity factor alone will draw people in like moths drawn to a sexy, dancing, mint scented candle. Brace yourselves.

So there you go guys! Predictions and stuff! And that pretty much wraps up the year end/year ahead coverage here on Thoughts We Might Have Had! Thanks for another great year, Internet! Check back here Monday for more random weirdness, and more vague insults that probably reflect more on me then on anyone else.

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