The Bottom Ten of 2013

Posted: January 2, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Internet!! Happy 2014 my friends and welcome back to my annual year-in-review bunch of columns! Pull up a chair, have a seat, and prepare to throw things angrily at the screens when I hate on your favorite movies!!

Micah’s Bottom Ten of 2013

Per usual for this column I’m actually dividing this list up into two lists. The first five are my bottom five i.e. the worst five movies that I actually watched this year. I try to make a point of avoiding terrible movies so as such a lot of the actual worst movies of the year I don’t watch. So these are more the five most disappointing movies, or “the five movies I most thought would be good but weren’t” but that’s a far less catchy title.

5. Ender’s Game

Sneaking in at number five this year was Ender’s Game. It’s not even that I didn’t like Enders Game it was just that there was so much that this movie left on the table that could have made it great. The editing was poor, the pacing was wacky, and the last ten minutes or so veered so far away from the awesome ending it could have had that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. The fifth slot on this list is always my hardest to fill and if nothing else for the raw amount of “what could have been” Ender’s Game slunk… slunked?? in here and grabbed the spot.

4.  Man of Steel

 Man of Steel was one of those movies that the more I thought about it the worse it got. Plot holes popped up from this movie like ambitious moles pop out of arcade games, and the movies attempt to “take things seriously” just led to a long humorless slag through people punching other people in more and more ridiculous ways. In the time since I wrote my original review I’ve thought of about four million more reasons to dislike this movie and the possibility of them dragging Batman into this uncooked fiesta platter of a franchise gets me more and more depressed by the day.  

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“A Hero Will Rise… and then get punched again… and again… and again.”

3. The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was frankly just a movie that wasn’t ever sure what it wanted to be. Part of the time it was a comedy, part of the time it wanted to be taken seriously, part of the time it wanted to be a weirdly themed western-horror movie, and the other part of the time it was laughing at Johnny Depp’s facial expressions and wasn’t sure why it ever pointed the camera anywhere else. It was a movie with ADHD, turrets, and OCD and it was never really sure where which medication it should be on so it alternately took none of them, and all of them at the same time.

2. The Host

The first three movies on this list (in particularly 4 and 5) are here because they could have been good but weren’t. These last two though were just bad. If the first three movies were a decent pizza with a burned crust then these last two movies are a pizza that caught fire, burnt your house down, and then stole your dog. These: were not good films. The weirdest thing about the Host is that it’s actually not a bad book. It’s written by Stephanie Meyer (the author of Twilight and the screams of a thousand boyfriends) but it’s actually pretty good. I mean it’s not great but it’s actually pretty good. Unfortunately the Host was made by Twilight fans. Twilight fans who had never actually read the Host and thought it would be really great if we could just make this movie as much like those movies as possible. And they succeeded. Succeeded  like a naked mole rat succeeds in being ugly, or like a vat of acid succeeds in melting your face off. Thanks “The Host” for reminding us all how much we hate Twilight.

1. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

But the grand master of stench this particular year, the harbinger of horrible, the bringer of baditude, the carrier of the caricatured, was Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Not only was this a horrible terrible movie of such epic terribleness that small children and large beavers alike both cried at the mere mention of it, but it also somehow trapped Jeremy Renner in it. The saddest thing about this movie wasn’t the fact that the script was written by a caterpillar actively inside of a chrysalis, or the fact that the main characters repeatedly proved themselves to be terrible witch hunters, rather it was fact that you could practically see the pain in Jeremy Renner’s eyes during every scene of the movie. If I was instantly transported to an all tone deaf presentation of the play Les Miserables I would have the exact same look in my eyes that Jeremy Renner had in this film. It was just depressing.

And now moving on to the second bottom Five of the column, the five worst movies of 2013 that I didn’t watch. I get these from various critics and websites and from the fact that even watching the trailers for these movies leaves a deep burning scar in my brain.

5. After Earth

A movie from the creator of “The Happening” and “Avatar: The Worst Child-Actor,” “After Earth” proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can make a movie starring Will Smith crash landed on a futuristic planet Earth boring and pretentious. Two words that should never be connected to Will Smith. Ever. Ya jerk.   

4. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

In a year that featured a slew of incredibly unremarkable comedies The Incredible Burt Wonderstone stands out only for its terribleness. It makes me a little sad that Steve Carrel left the Office early to hang out and make bad movies with other less funny people. He didn’t even get the cursory “first couple movies before you run out of good ideas” few movies before he started being in terrible things.

3.  RIPD

To think there was a time I was excited about this movie. Then someone took all of the good ideas for this graphic novel adaptation fed them to a pigeon and then set that pigeon loose in ancient Pompeii. What we were left with was a bland, poorly visualized project in which Jeff Bridgers seemed to be deliberately ruining every line he could… which was all of them. I can’t even add this to the list of bad Ryan Reynolds movies because he seemed to be not actively on set most of the time anyway for all the actual acting he did.

2. The Smurfs 2

The first of our sequels that oozed their way down to the bottom of this particular cinematic pit the Smurfs 2 was the sequel no one asked for to the movie that no one liked. It’s as if Hollywood doesn’t completely pay attention to the box office but just sort of hands out checks to people in the hopes that maybe if they try the same idea again it will work better because of… reasons. But as bad as Smurfs 2 was and as much as no one wanted it to be a thing, we must now step bravely forth and observe for just a few short horrifying moments the steaming cesspool of awful that was this year’s worst movie…

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Cause nothing says good idea like this…

1. Grown Ups 2

Uh… just talking about this movie makes me a little queasy. But, let’s recap real fast here: people felt like Grown Ups 1 was a thinly plotted excuse for a lot of people who used to be famous to get together and try and be famous. They felt like it was immature and stupid and dumb and nobody really actually watched it. So obviously  the way to fix this problem wasn’t just to, ya know, pretend the first one never happened. No no no. The answer was to make ANOTHER movie!! That even less people  would watch, and invite even more people who used to be famous but aren’t and who thought they were funny but weren’t!! If they make a Grown Ups 3 I’m officially just not going to talk about it. At all. I don’t care if it’s a cinematic marvel that wins an Academy Award. I will not talk about it. I don’t care if I am physically IN the movie, I wont’ talk about it. At all.

And there you have it friends! The very worst of 2013. I don’t know about you but I feel like I need a nice long shower… and a thin mint. Anyway, now that were done with the depression check back in on Monday for a nice optimistic look ahead at the most anticipated movies of 2014! Until then stay warm (physically), stay cool (culturally), and happy new year.

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