Weekly Headlines: 12-9-13

Posted: December 9, 2013 by Micah in Weekly Headlines

Hey everyone, so if you were wondering yes I am somehow still sick!! This is like more than a week now that I have spent with a tiny and very angry badger living in my throat. Every time I speak said badger has a grand mal seizure (no idea how to spell that) and flails about with all claws out and his very expensive set of actual working collector’s edition pipe bombs detonating in my vocal chords. It’s been a joy. Anyway, now that I’ve used what is supposedly a professional website to gripe about my personal health let’s go ahead and dive into some headlines shall we?

In our lead story Miley Cyrus is rumored to be on the shortlist for Time Magazines “person of the year.” I always had this weird idea that the person of the year was an award given to a person who… ya know… did something. I mean what exactly are we saying Miley Cyrus accomplished this year? I mean the top two things that spring to mind are kissing a hammer and not wearing pants… ever.

The new Godzilla movie is launching a trailer tomorrow! Just further proof that there’s no idea so bad that Hollywood won’t throw money at it for no other reason than “some people will probably watch this and then remember how cheesy the old ones were and not like it.”

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“Sir we can now confirm that baby does indeed ‘have back.'”

Speaking of trailers one launched yesterday for a movie called “Pompei” which is the lava equivalent of “Titanic” but we can all rest safe in the knowledge that this movie will not be as long as that one. It’s much quicker then drowning.

The title of the next Metal Gear game was announced this week as the game was officially dubbed “Metal Gear: Ground Zeroes” just to further prove that the people making this game have completely stopped trying. I mean Ground Zeroes?? The only thing left for them on the “not trying” scale would be if they “digitally remastered” the original game and re-released it at full price. – Wait what? Oh they already did that… awkward.

And while we’re talking about people not trying: did you know they’re rebooting the Terminator? That’s right it wasn’t enough for them to make a mostly horrible prequel, they now feel the need to re-boot the series so they can make a new version that won’t be as good as the original because everyone is already wearing Arnold Schwarzenager colored glasses about that movie. Ladies and gentlemen: Hollywood 2013!

Topping the box office this week was Disney’s “Frozen” a movie that critics are calling “a Disney movie.” “adorable.” “cute.” “awesome.” And “great work by our future overlords!!”

Wonder Woman was recently confirmed as having an appearance in the upcoming “Batman vs. Superman” movie. Frankly, at this point, I don’t care. This is like the chef coming out and confirming that the water I was drinking had ice cubes in it. The movie is gonna be at best “kind of good” and throwing in a another semi-interesting slightly conflicted character into the mix won’t tip the scales too much either way. This movies best bet was to focus on Batman and let Superman show up every now and then to punch something and smile pretty but adding in Wonder Woman just means that she’ll have to occasionally sashay onto camera punch something and (much like Miley Cyrus) not wear pants. I’m not saying it will be a bad movie, I’m saying it won’t be great, might be (in a best case scenario) good, and that I don’t care what other gimmicks they add at this point to try and be like Marvel… I should probably end this paragraph at some point huh?

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Sorry Wonder Woman there’s a strict “pants to my taking you seriously as a literary character” scale that you fail badly on.

In other Batman related news while I was being horribly sick I played some more batman arkham city and folks: that is a great game. You should play that game. In fact, don’t go watch Batman vs. Superman, just play that game. You’ll thank me.

And finally: In the sports world several NBA teams are trying desperately to lose as many games as possible so that they can get the top pick in next years draft. I really think life should work like this, “well Brad the bad news is you had the lowest sales numbers in the entire company this quarter, the good news is we’re gonna go ahead and let you start selling things at 50 percent off from now on.” Or “well the bad news is you’re gonna be sick for the next week and a half or so, to compensate you for this we’re gonna go ahead and let you get paid per cough for the next few days.”

Thanks for reading everyone!! Come on back Thursday as I review the new Sound of Music and hey if you haven’t read it before be sure to check out the top five Holiday movies rankings over here!

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