Hey everyone, happy Monday and welcome to the week before Thanksgiving, and to kick off our early week of celebrating our thanks and our givings here’s a list of the ten worst movie villains to remind us all how thankful we should be that they will no longer be on film.
It’s worth noting that these are in order from least repugnant to most repugnant. It’s probably also worth noting that I misspelled repugnant two different ways in that last sentence and Microsoft Word came to life and slapped me. That’s a side not though, now back to the main note.
The Ten Worst Comic Book Movie Villains
10. All of the ones from the old batman series.
The Penguin, Two-Face, Dr. Freeze, and so many other horrible horrible mistakes. Now the reason this is number 10 is that these are classic batman movies from back before we knew how to make good movies. Back when we thought putting George Clooney in a Batsuit with nipples was a good idea, back when we thought Sunny and Cher could be listened to un-ironically. Before the Red Sox had won a world series since 1918. And what a sad world it was. So how could we expect them to possibly understand what made a good movie villain? That would be like expecting Britney Spears to portray actual emotion, or people on Facebook to make non-biased social commentaries. Pardon me, I’m gonna go mop up all the sarcasm that dripped out of this paragraph.
9. Dr. Doom (“Fantastic Four” and “Fantastic Four: Who Paid for this Sequel?”)I’ve always found out slightly hilarious that Doctor Doom is such a big deal in the Marvel Universe. All that aside the movie version somehow pulled off being even lamer then the comic book version. He just sort of walks around growling ominously and talking about “sciency things” and then he gets defeated by being splashed with water after being hit with fire or something. Basically what I’m saying is that he was a slightly less threatening version of the Wicked Witch of the West.
8. Galactus (“Fantastic Four: No Really Did These People Watch the First Movie?”)
Galactus or “The World Eater” as Mommy Galactus used to call him doesn’t even get an actual body in this movie. He’s just this whispy collection of cloud that we’re somehow supposed to be afraid of. Granted this movie also ruined the Silver Surfer who, it should be noted, is AWESOME but having your big main villain be the London Smog’s older brother is probably not a great idea.
7. Parallax (Green Lantern)
Speaking of whispy clouds of things, how about Parallax? You’re probably wondering why Parallax (also a whispy cloud) was worse than Galactus’s whispy cloudness. The reason being that Parallax’s whispy cloud had the face of a Muppet. I don’t know which planning meeting they decided to make Parallax into a non-physical entity in but it was obviously filled with people who were at the meeting where they decided to kill Parallax by having the good guy punch him into the sun with a giant fist. And no, you didn’t misread that sentence. The main villain in this movie died when he was punched into the sun by a giant green fist. Man this was a bad film.
6. The Hulk’s Father (The Hulk)
Speaking of giant green fists let’s talk about the Hulk shall we? And I’m not talking about the great Hulk played by Mark Ruffalo in Avengers. Nor even the pretty good Hulk played by Edward Norton in “The Incredible Hulk.” Nope. I’m talking about the Hulk’s father in the original film “the Hulk.” Now I couldn’t remember the name of the Hulk’s father so I thought I would look it up on IMDB. You know what they have listed? “Father.” Yeah, not even IMDB could be bothered to re-watch this movie to try and remember what the Hulk’s dad was named. Anyway, the Hulks dad voluntarily exposes himself to lethal gamma radiation in the hopes of mimicking the Hulks powers but instead of gaining the Hulk’s powers he gains umm… other powers. Which were never defined at all. Something about super strength… and he could like—gel with other objects or something. Then he dies… somehow at the end, in one of the least clear endings ever in any movie.
5. Venom (Spiderman 3: Cry Like a Pre-teen)
Ah Spiderman 3. You knew this was gonna be on here somehow. Topher Grace isn’t actually a terrible actor so I have no idea how he was so terrible in this movie. But he was. Terrible. He hit the trifecta of over-acting, over-indicating, and SUPER annoying, a tri-fecta so hilariously terrible he single-handedly destroyed one of Spider-mans best villains. And that takes work.
4. Emma Frost (X-Men: First Class)
I really loved X-men first class. The story was great, the characters were interesting, and the acting was surprisingly good. That said Emma Frost was so hilariously terrible it almost crashed the whole film. I mean I get that her name was “Frost” and stuff but her face never EVER moved. Through the whole film. Ever. She also seemed to have a strong aversion to wearing clothing or thinking coherently or… acting like a living person.
3. Dark Phoenix
Speaking of women characters how about Dark Phoenix from X-men 3? Now don’t get me wrong: this was a terrible film for a lot of reasons.
But one of the landmark, benchmark, birthmark reasons for that was Dark Phoenix’s completely hilarious inability to speak words. Everything she said dripped with so much cheesy cheese villainy that I physically felt my cholesterol go up several points as the movie progressed.
2. The Sandman
And we’re back with Spiderman 3 again. Sandman goes down as one of the worst ideas for a movie villain ever. And I realize that he’s a comic book villain as well (he’s terrible there too) but his portrayal in Spiderman 3 was so laughably bad it somehow made Spiderman 3 even worse than it already was. That’s like making them movie “Red Riding Hood” worse by… yeah there’s no way that movie could have been worse.
Not only is Sandman a person “made out of sand” but they tried to give him this touching backstory by making his daughter sick so all of the subsequent bank robber and MURDER that he participated in would be okay. Now I’m all about a good backstory for a villain but when you get your villain backstory from the “Big Book of Cliché” you’re probably not gonna run into a ton of success.
1. Hector Hammond
Ah Green Lantern, we meet again. Hector Hammond wins this award with both hands held high above his giant massive head that swelled up for no reason we could ever understand. Between his (yet again) hilariously clichéd backstory, his inability to walk by the end of the film, and his lack of any sort of plan at all Hector Hammond goes down as one of the worst villains ever. It was a neck and neck race between the bottom five but Hector pulled it out by not only being a terrible, mustached, some not at all frightening villain, but by also trying so very hard to be the Joker that it only seemed fitting we slot him in at number 1.
Well there you go guys, another long days listing finished!! Best of luck to you and yours and check back on Thursday as we start the Thanksgiving festivities off early!!